Attention: I Am A Male Chauvinist Pig. Just ask YA YA

[PPHSfan]

Well since I made fun of soccer, and Mia Hamm, on another thread, I have now been dubbed with the moniker Male Chauvinist. This time however, rather than get into another pissing match with the ladies down in Bandera, I have decided to just act the part, rather than bother trying to defend my good name. Therefore, for the next few days, I will be sharing my favorite ‘jokes’ making fun of the opposite sex. I challenge all of you that have an extra Y chromosome to do your best to come up with jokes to make fun of me in return.

Let the games begin.

Question: What is the most painful part of a sex change operation, when changing from a Man to a Woman?

Answer: When they stick the vacuum cleaner in your ear, and suck out half of your brain.

[Phil C]

THE SPURS WON THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP IN 2003 BY BEATING THE NEW JERSEY NETS!

BEST NBA SERIES WE EVER HAD! :)

[Bandera YaYa]

....just showing your true colors, I see! Bring it on!! But I'll be laughing AT you, not with you!! Again, what school hatched you??

[Bandera YaYa]

(I think Phil C is adorable!!) wink wink

[3afan2K3]

PPHS,
That was one of the LAMEST jokes i have ever heard.

--------------------

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: 3afan2K3 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

Question: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

Answer:A women who won't do what she's told. :p

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

Question: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Answer: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

[turbostud]

Did you hear about the blonde that thought a quarterback was a refund!

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: turbostud ]</small>

[sinton66]

Disclaimer: Just because I found these on the net, doesn't mean I subscribe to them.
wink

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?

A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

Question: Why do women have smaller feet then men?

Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[Matthew328]

wow

[sinton66]

Disclaimer: Just because I found these on the net, doesn't mean I subscribe to them.
wink

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Bandera YaYa]

Ya'll make me sick. Do you have daughters...wives?? I hope you show them more respect than this......second thought, I'm sure you don't.

[sinton66]

If that was real money you were betting, you'd LOSE!

[PPHSfan]

My wife and my daughter both find this stuff very funny. However instead of getting upset and trying to imply that I am sans-couth, they have told me some pretty funny male jokes instead. You really should lighten up and give it a try.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[Matthew328]

BanderaYaYa I hope you realize most of this stuff is being posted to get a rise out of you.....lighten up some....

[PPHSfan]

Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?

Answer: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
:p

[Bandera YaYa]

...oh...OK. Sorry,I guess I misunderstood all the jokes.

[bearcat1]

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.


and now my personal favorite....

How to change your oil - Mars and Venus style

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in backyard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil on gasket first
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because the wrench hits the Miss December(1992) poster on the wall.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. 36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

bc

[sinton66]

SEE Ya ya, THAT's how it's done! Way to go BC!!!

[PPHSfan]

OK Bearcat, now the gloves are coming off.

:D

His and Hers ATM Machines

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake :p

[Bandera YaYa]

Now that's funny!!!!! :)

[sinton66]

LMAO!!!!! Tooooo Funny! Where's RangerMom, I'm sure she has some good ones!

[sinton66]

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10) Cats' facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1) Other women.

[CHS_CG]

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you??
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!

Q: What is it called when one blonde blows into another blondes ear??
A: Data transfer!

Q: Why did the blonde wear green lipstick??
A: Because red means stop!

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant
A: Is it mine

I have a poster with a bunch of blonde jokes on them and thats where I got them!

[bearcat1]

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in:
BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That's right, in just six terms you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn a degree.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc.

Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An A*hole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important (1)

Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important (2)

Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

bc

[BULLDOGFAN]

Sorry Matthew if this get's out of range. I tried to clean them up.

Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Cajun were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questionably.

"That was my pager,” he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang; the Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.

The Cajun felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his a$$, the others raised their eyebrows and stared at him, the Cajun finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[Bandera YaYa]

bearcat..you rock! :)

[Jacket2000]

Your wife's screaming at the front door and your dog's barkin' at the backdoor. Which do you let in first?
The dog, of course, b/c he'll shut up once you let him in.

How do you know when a woman is about to say somethin' smart?
She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

I married Miss Right; I just didnt realize her first name was Always

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I dont like to interupt her.

What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Women will never be equal to men untill they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think that they're beautiful

J2K

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Jacket2000 ]</small>

[Bandera YaYa]

Why Jacket....those are pretty good, I must admit.
Sadly,you have them all backwards!! LOL!!

[sinton66]

SEXIST SHORTS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after

[Ranger Mom]

sinton66:


A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I love that one!! It is SO true!!
:D :D