Funny, Stupid things people say

[sinton66]

We all have a favorite story about stupid things people say. Here's a thread to share yours. My favorite was related by comedian David Brenner on the Tonight Show years ago.

Brenner was in New York and found himself riding on a subway car. He just happened to be sitting on a newspaper. Someone came up and asked "Are you reading that?". He replied "yes", stood up, turned the page, and sat back down.

[sinton66]

Anybody else got one?

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[zeke]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
constantly from morning till night (and sometimes later). She was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began bellyaching at him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs and caught her smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute and nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, and then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
After the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer. He asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Old Cardinal]

Maybe there is a message hear; more than a joke?... A farmer was out hoeing around some plants on day, when he looked up in the sky and saw a cloud that formed a distinctive "P". Well the farmer, bought a new suit and a big tent and set out to preach revivals. After four years, with little success, he came back to the farm, quite discouraged. A teenage boy down the road came to visit and the farmer related the story about seeing the "P" formed in the sky. The kid thought for a moment and said, "Maybe HE meant for you to PLOW?"

[20dawgz05]

my sister once said hey look mom easters on a sunday this year... and i said the same about thanksgiving well i asked what day it was on.... we arent the brightest crayons in the box!!! :p

[PPHSfan]

I once overheard a girl in a restaurant tell the waiter that had offered her the beef tongue special, that "she would never eat anything that had been in a cow's mouth" and for him to "bring her scrambled eggs instead".

[lepfan]

My sister in law brought "snowman poop" to my mom and dad's Christmas Eve...for those of you who do not know what this is it is chocolate dipped marshmallows...when someone made the comment they were good...she responded..."Do you want me to give you the recipe?" Duhhhh, like that is a hard one to figure out...of course we could not let that one pass with out a lot of "duhhhh" comments and laughing.

[therealbulldogs]

I was at work the other day and this girl I worked with was calling another girl for a ride. Well, the girl I worked with didn't have the number but someone else did. So the girl called the home of the other girl and when the other girl answered the girl I worked with asked, "Are you at home? Oh wait, you are." I could not stop laughing at her!

[20dawgz05]

therealbulldogs:
I was at work the other day and this girl I worked with was calling another girl for a ride. Well, the girl I worked with didn't have the number but someone else did. So the girl called the home of the other girl and when the other girl answered the girl I worked with asked, "Are you at home? Oh wait, you are." I could not stop laughing at her!haha...ive done that

[slpybear the bullfan]

Back in High School Days... My sister comes home and tells Mom that in Home Economics, she has to bake a scratch cake.

The next day, she goes to the grocery store to buy a scratch cake mix....

True.

[bearcat1]

I went to Whataburger drive through the other day, and I ordered cheese fries. She said, "oh, we don't have cheese fries". "OK well it says here on the menu 'cheese 50c extra'". "Well yeah, we can get you some fries and put cheese ON them, but we don't have actually cheese fries"........

Hmmmmm.

bc

[lepfan]

bearcat1:
I went to Whataburger drive through the other day, and I ordered cheese fries. She said, "oh, we don't have cheese fries". "OK well it says here on the menu 'cheese 50c extra'". "Well yeah, we can get you some fries and put cheese ON them, but we don't have actually cheese fries"........

Hmmmmm.

bcshe has obviously reached her capacity in life...we have one like that here at our Whataburger...I have a similar story...wait maybe this WB employee travels from town to town just to spread the stupidity...LOL...

This post is not intended to offend any fast food workers or their families...

[SintonFan]

My dad, god love him, could never spell very well.
When I was a young teenager he always left lists for us to do everyday.
One day he left me a message that read,
"1. Put the cut grass in the garage, 2. Take out the garage."

[Ranger Mom]

My uncle was waiting in a long line at Dunkin Donuts many years back to get some "Dunkin Sticks" . Their cash register had broken down and they were having to take all orders by hand. The cashier was asking each person what they wanted (she was still behind the counter) and everyone was yelling their order to her. When she got to my uncle, I guess his dyslexia got the best of him, he yelled back to her that he needed six "Stunkin Dicks!!"

[pirate4state]

Maybe this is one of those, "you had to be there" type of funny things, but here you go...

Me & 2 of my cousins are hauling butt to try & catch a movie...so cousin #1 asks cousin #2 "what time is it?" and cousin #2's response is, "it is a minute to NOW" at which point we all started laughing... :D

[Cat22]

Ranger Mom:
My uncle was waiting in a long line at Dunkin Donuts many years back to get some "Dunkin Sticks" . Their cash register had broken down and they were having to take all orders by hand. The cashier was asking each person what they wanted (she was still behind the counter) and everyone was yelling their order to her. When she got to my uncle, I guess his dyslexia got the best of him, he yelled back to her that he needed six "Stunkin Dicks!!"That's really funny. How embarrassing!

[pero chato]

I borrowed a music cd from a very attractive co-worker. Unfortunately the name of the group was "Naked". I finished listening to it in my office and had planned on returning it to her. But before I could return it, I saw her in the break room, crowded of course, and just as everyone went silent for a second, blurted out "Don't forget to get Naked in my office." Took a while to live that one down.

[Old No. 7]

pero chato:
I borrowed a music cd from a very attractive co-worker. Unfortunately the name of the group was "Naked". I finished listening to it in my office and had planned on returning it to her. But before I could return it, I saw her in the break room, crowded of course, and just as everyone went silent for a second, blurted out "Don't forget to get Naked in my office." Took a while to live that one down.LOL. :D

[Wildcat81]

When i was about 10 we were all in the car.I have
2 brothers and 2 sister .Our mother telling us when get to our grandmother about that time oldest
brother started making alot noise. and my mother
said when get out to your grandmother she said oh
sh-t scott. We all started laughing.

[Ranger Mom]

Wildcat81:
When i was about 10 we were all in the car.I have
2 brothers and 2 sister .Our mother telling us when get to our grandmother about that time oldest
brother started making alot noise. and my mother
said when get out to your grandmother she said oh
sh-t scott. We all started laughing.Wildcat, I don't know if it is you or me...but I don't have a clue what you just said!!
http://kit.netpoets.net/shrug.gif

[Wildcat81]

Ranger Mom:

Wildcat81:
When i was about 10 we were all in the car.I have
2 brothers and 2 sister .Our mother telling us when get to our grandmother about that time oldest
brother started making alot noise. and my mother
said when get out to your grandmother she said oh
sh-t scott. We all started laughing.Wildcat, I don't know if it is you or me...but I don't have a clue what you just said!!
http://kit.netpoets.net/shrug.gifMy brother was making alot of noise when my mother was trying to talk. She oh sh-t scott but i think she meant to say oh shut up scott.

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 05:40 AM: Message edited by: Wildcat81 ]</small>

[Leopard213]

My family was moving out of a house one Saturday and we had lots of help.....furniture in the front yard....u-haul backed up to the front door and a guy drives by and says "Ya'll Movin'".............Here's your sign.

[jason]

Wildcat81:

Ranger Mom:

Wildcat81:
When i was about 10 we were all in the car.I have
2 brothers and 2 sister .Our mother telling us when get to our grandmother about that time oldest
brother started making alot noise. and my mother
said when get out to your grandmother she said oh
sh-t scott. We all started laughing.Wildcat, I don't know if it is you or me...but I don't have a clue what you just said!!
http://kit.netpoets.net/shrug.gifMy brother was making alot of noise when my mother was trying to talk. She oh **** scott but i think she meant to say oh shut up scott.you might wanna edit that...

[Leopard213]

lepfan:

bearcat1:
I went to Whataburger drive through the other day, and I ordered cheese fries. She said, "oh, we don't have cheese fries". "OK well it says here on the menu 'cheese 50c extra'". "Well yeah, we can get you some fries and put cheese ON them, but we don't have actually cheese fries"........

Hmmmmm.

bcshe has obviously reached her capacity in life...we have one like that here at our Whataburger...I have a similar story...wait maybe this WB employee travels from town to town just to spread the stupidity...LOL...

This post is not intended to offend any fast food workers or their families...Be careful Lepfan...I now have a fast food worker in my household.

[poncho]

The Effects of Beer

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phyto-estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn't drive.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Had to sit down while urinating.
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

NO FURTHER TESTING WAS CONSIDERED NESSARY. :cool: :D

[crzyjournalist03]

I was watching TV a couple of months ago, and I saw a guy say one of the stupidest and funniest things I've ever heard. He said:

"My name is Howard Dean, and I'm running for President!"

:D :D :D

[PPHSfan]

I saw an add on eBay today that read "we will ship within 48 hours unless it is the weekend, then we will ship on Monday."

Last time I looked 48 hours from Saturday was...Monday.

[Bulldog92]

Well...a few years back, I was dating this girl who was constantly worried about her weight (even though she had no reason to be) and everyone she knew was aware of it. Anyway...we were hanging out at her mother's on the holidays with a houseful of people and she came over and sat on my lap. Of course, I said the first thing that came to mind..."Don't worry. This isn't as painful as it looks." :D

[onfirebball05mustang]

The Effects of Beer

That's true about guys even when they don't drink beer!

Thank Goodness the tests confirmed it!

[Old No. 7]

A friend was showing off a picture of a Nice 10 point buck he had killed. The antlers were tall and almost grew together. One guy looking on said " what's wrong with that deer in the picture?" After a short pause ,my friend said" he's DEAD!" :D I thought I was going to die. I guess you had to be there.

[Old No. 7]

A co-worker raise a hog to put in his freezer. After having the hog processed, he had a cook out. He came to work bragging on how good those porkchops tasted. He said " those porkchops were so good, next time I'm going to have the whole hog made into porkchops". :D :D

[slpybear the bullfan]

Old No. 7:
A co-worker raise a hog to put in his freezer. After having the hog processed, he had a cook out. He came to work bragging on how good those porkchops tasted. He said " those porkchops were so good, next time I'm going to have the whole hog made into porkchops". :D :D LOL, that is great!

[sinton66]

Another one I heard was about a guy who came outside of a store and saw a man fumbling with a coat hanger through the window of a car. He walked up to the man and said "Locked your keys in your car?" The man replied, "No, I just washed it and I'm about to hang it up to dry!"

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Bull's-eye]

We recently had an exchange student from France. I was amazed at how many people asked her if France celebrated Thanksgiving or July 4th.

[Wildcat81]

Old No. 7:
A co-worker raise a hog to put in his freezer. After having the hog processed, he had a cook out. He came to work bragging on how good those porkchops tasted. He said " those porkchops were so good, next time I'm going to have the whole hog made into porkchops". :D :D Now thats Funny.

[crzyjournalist03]

Bull's-eye:
We recently had an exchange student from France. I was amazed at how many people asked her if France celebrated Thanksgiving or July 4th.That reminds me of my history class last year...my teacher liked to give quizzes that meant absolutely nothing when he didn't have a lesson planned or there were several students absent...on one of those quizzes, he asked, "Do they have the fourth of July in England?"...when going over the answers, when he asked the question again, everbody except for me and like one other person responded "No...duh." :D :D :D