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pirate4state
02-13-2007, 04:28 PM
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.


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New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?


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New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.




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New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.




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New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.




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New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.




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New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.


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New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.




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New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


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New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.


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New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."




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New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.




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New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.




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New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.




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New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.




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New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.




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New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"



:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

stangGirl2007
02-13-2007, 04:33 PM
:clap: :clap: hahahaha

44INAROW
02-13-2007, 04:36 PM
I bow to you George Carlin ;)

BuffyMars
02-13-2007, 04:40 PM
Originally posted by pirate4state


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
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I cannot relate to this one. :doh:

Blastoderm55
02-13-2007, 04:42 PM
Carlin made the same list of rules for 2006. (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp) :p

Personally, I prefer his Unwritten Book of the Road. :cool:

pirate4state
02-13-2007, 04:45 PM
Originally posted by Blastoderm55
Carlin made the same list of rules for 2006. (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp) :p

Personally, I prefer his Unwritten Book of the Road. :cool:

Guess they didn't take the first time. :p

OMG .... Eddie Murphy's Delirious is out on DVD finally!!!! :cool: woo hoo

"vivian can not use the phone"

Gobbla2001
02-13-2007, 04:50 PM
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

THANK YOU...

BuffyMars
02-13-2007, 04:52 PM
Originally posted by Gobbla2001
THANK YOU...

Agreed...maybe its cause I do not have kids...but geez...after 12 mos...you can use years. :rolleyes:

Txbroadcaster
02-13-2007, 04:55 PM
Sorry..while funny..this was NOT Carlin...Bill Maher wrote those
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Gobbla2001
02-13-2007, 04:57 PM
Originally posted by BuffyMars
Agreed...maybe its cause I do not have kids...but geez...after 12 mos...you can use years. :rolleyes:

well I can understand using all of the months in between a year and two years, 'cept for 18 months...

but after that it just makes me think too hard...

BTW... two days ago I turned 286 months :p

Blastoderm55
02-13-2007, 04:58 PM
Originally posted by Txbroadcaster
Sorry..while funny..this was NOT Carlin...Bill Maher wrote those
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Be subtle. P4S hates Snopes. That's why I disguised the truth as a link. :p

Txbroadcaster
02-13-2007, 04:59 PM
Originally posted by Blastoderm55
Be subtle. P4S hates Snopes. That's why I disguised the truth as a link. :p

HAHA..Subtle is not a word I know..Buffy can attest to that

BuffyMars
02-13-2007, 05:02 PM
Originally posted by Txbroadcaster
HAHA..Subtle is not a word I know..Buffy can attest to that

Now why did you have to spoil all the fun!

BuffyMars
02-13-2007, 05:03 PM
Originally posted by Txbroadcaster
Sorry..while funny..this was NOT Carlin...Bill Maher wrote those
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

By the way...by viewing that link I got bombarded with 5 pop-ups. :mad:

Buccaneer
02-13-2007, 05:04 PM
George quit being funny about 1975.

Blastoderm55
02-13-2007, 05:05 PM
Originally posted by BuffyMars
By the way...by viewing that link I got bombarded with 5 pop-ups. :mad:

:D

pirate4state
02-13-2007, 05:22 PM
Originally posted by Txbroadcaster
Sorry..while funny..this was NOT Carlin...Bill Maher wrote those
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

So sue me. I'm just passing on funny stuff. This place is just dead, dead, dead....excuse me for not checking snopes.com. :p :p

pirate4state
02-13-2007, 05:22 PM
Originally posted by Blastoderm55
Be subtle. P4S hates Snopes. That's why I disguised the truth as a link. :p

LOL! :( :( :(