Womennnnnnn

[BILLYFRED0000]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do
to him legally."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar
dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives
know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and
down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[DU_stud04]

haha great post.

[99IHSMustang]

Those were funny

[Blastoderm55]

Originally posted by BILLYFRED0000


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

My favorite one. :D

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by Blastoderm55
My favorite one. :D

Mine too!!

It just shows how quick we women are!:p

[BILLYFRED0000]

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Did I leave anything out?????

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


:D :D :D

[BILLYFRED0000]

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart.

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. ! O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to
jail."

[BILLYFRED0000]

Woman on a bad day........
>
>
>> Dear Tide Company:
>> >I am writing to say what an excellent product you
>> have!
>> >
>> >I've used Tide throughout my married life; my Mom
>> always
>> >told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties,
>> I find it even
>> >better!
>> >In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
>> on my new white
>> blouse.
>> >My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
>> berate me about how
>> clumsy
>> >I was.
>> >One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with
>> a lot of his
>> blood on
>> >my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a
>> bargain
>> detergent,
>> >but it just wouldn't come out.
>> >
>> >After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
>> >liquid Tide with bleach
>> alternative; and to my
>> >surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
>> out!
>> >In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives
>> who came by
>> yesterday
>> >told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
>> negative, and then my
>> attorney
>> >called and said that I would no longer be considered
>> a suspect in the
>> >disappearance of my husband.
>> >
>> >What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
>> without being a
>> murder
>> >suspect!
>> >I thank you, once again, for having such a great
>> product.
>> >
>> >Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty
>> bag people .
>> >
>> >
>>
>
>
>

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by BILLYFRED0000
Woman on a bad day........
>
>
>> Dear Tide Company:
>> >I am writing to say what an excellent product you
>> have!
>> >
>> >I've used Tide throughout my married life; my Mom
>> always
>> >told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties,
>> I find it even
>> >better!
>> >In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
>> on my new white
>> blouse.
>> >My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
>> berate me about how
>> clumsy
>> >I was.
>> >One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with
>> a lot of his
>> blood on
>> >my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a
>> bargain
>> detergent,
>> >but it just wouldn't come out.
>> >
>> >After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
>> >liquid Tide with bleach
>> alternative; and to my
>> >surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
>> out!
>> >In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives
>> who came by
>> yesterday
>> >told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
>> negative, and then my
>> attorney
>> >called and said that I would no longer be considered
>> a suspect in the
>> >disappearance of my husband.
>> >
>> >What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
>> without being a
>> murder
>> >suspect!
>> >I thank you, once again, for having such a great
>> product.
>> >
>> >Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty
>> bag people .
>> >
>> >
>>
>
>
>

This is funny, but silly. No way a REAL woman incriminates herself this way. :nerd:

[BILLYFRED0000]

The Hormone Hostage



The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other !

DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one ...

13. Potential Murder Suspect



Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks ..... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

[BILLYFRED0000]

Originally posted by pirate4state
This is funny, but silly. No way a REAL woman incriminates herself this way. :nerd:

Yes unless she was blonde maybe???????

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by BILLYFRED0000
Yes unless she was blonde maybe??????? True, good thing I'm not a blonde. ;)

[BILLYFRED0000]

FBI Job Opening



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all
the background checks, interviews and testing were

done, there were 3 finalists . Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter

what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your

wife sitting in a ch air. . "Kill Her !!"



The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never

shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for

this job. Take your wife and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He

took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet

for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried,

but I can't kill my wife."



The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take

your wife and go home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun

and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after

another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on

the walls.



After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened

slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her

brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said,

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[espn1]

I've always said you better not ever teach sheep to do the laundry and dishes.:D :D :D

[Ranger Mom]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.

[Blastoderm55]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.

I read that one a few years back. Its great! :D