stxfootballfan
11-29-2006, 07:37 PM
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
>>to
>>convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
>>those
>>who
>>hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
>>dump
>>at
>>work.
>>
>>CROP DUSTING:
>>
>>When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
>>not in
>>your
>>area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
>>from. Be
>>careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
>>expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
>>your
>>pants.
>>
>>FLY BY:
>>
>>This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
>>and
>>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
>>leave
>>and
>>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
>>People
>>may
>>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
>>bathroom
>>
>>ESCAPEE:
>>
>>This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>>forcing a
>>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
>>Pretend
>>it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
>>urinal,
>>pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>>uncomfortable
>>for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
>>feel
>>uneasy.
>>
>>JAILBREAK:
>>
>>When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
>>This is
>>usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>>happen, do
>>not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>>bathroom to
>>spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>>
>>COURTESY FLUSH:
>>
>>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
>>This
>>reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
>>bathroom.
>>This
>>can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>>
>>WALK OF SHAME:
>>
>>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
>>just
>>stunk
>>up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>>someone
>>walks
>>in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
>>smell
>>does
>>not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the
>>use of
>>the
>>COURTESY FLUSH.
>>
>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
>>
>>This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
>>will
>>often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
>>newspaper or
>>magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for
>>the
>>Out of
>>the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>>
>>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
>>
>>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
>>goes off
>>without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
>>whereabouts
>>of Out
>>of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>>
>>SAFE HAVENS:
>>
>>A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
>>where
>>you
>>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
>>the
>>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
>>entering
>>the bathroom.
>>
>>TURD BURGLAR:
>>
>>This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>>tries to
>>force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>>vulnerable
>>moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
>>remain
>>in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
>>avoid
>>all
>>uncomfortable eye contact.
>>
>>CAMO-COUGH:
>>
>>A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
>>you
>>are in
>>a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
>>WATERMELON,
>>or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
>>effective
>>when
>>used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>>
>>ASTAIRE:
>>
>>An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
>>Burglars
>>that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
>>the
>>stall
>>is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
>>immediately so
>>the
>>pooper can poop in peace.
>>
>>WATERMELON:
>>
>>A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
>>the
>>toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
>>a
>>Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>>
>>HAVANA OMELET:
>>
>>A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
>>toilet
>>water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
>>with
>>an
>>Astaire.
>>
>>UNCLE TODD:
>>
>>An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
>>forever.
>>This
>>person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
>>or
>>sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
>>while on
>>the
>>crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
>>empty.
>>This
>>benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
>>to
>>convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
>>those
>>who
>>hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
>>dump
>>at
>>work.
>>
>>CROP DUSTING:
>>
>>When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
>>not in
>>your
>>area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
>>from. Be
>>careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
>>expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
>>your
>>pants.
>>
>>FLY BY:
>>
>>This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
>>and
>>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
>>leave
>>and
>>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
>>People
>>may
>>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
>>bathroom
>>
>>ESCAPEE:
>>
>>This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>>forcing a
>>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
>>Pretend
>>it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
>>urinal,
>>pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>>uncomfortable
>>for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
>>feel
>>uneasy.
>>
>>JAILBREAK:
>>
>>When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
>>This is
>>usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>>happen, do
>>not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>>bathroom to
>>spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>>
>>COURTESY FLUSH:
>>
>>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
>>This
>>reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
>>bathroom.
>>This
>>can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>>
>>WALK OF SHAME:
>>
>>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
>>just
>>stunk
>>up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>>someone
>>walks
>>in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
>>smell
>>does
>>not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the
>>use of
>>the
>>COURTESY FLUSH.
>>
>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
>>
>>This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
>>will
>>often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
>>newspaper or
>>magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for
>>the
>>Out of
>>the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>>
>>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
>>
>>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
>>goes off
>>without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
>>whereabouts
>>of Out
>>of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>>
>>SAFE HAVENS:
>>
>>A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
>>where
>>you
>>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
>>the
>>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
>>entering
>>the bathroom.
>>
>>TURD BURGLAR:
>>
>>This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>>tries to
>>force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>>vulnerable
>>moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
>>remain
>>in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
>>avoid
>>all
>>uncomfortable eye contact.
>>
>>CAMO-COUGH:
>>
>>A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
>>you
>>are in
>>a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
>>WATERMELON,
>>or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
>>effective
>>when
>>used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>>
>>ASTAIRE:
>>
>>An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
>>Burglars
>>that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
>>the
>>stall
>>is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
>>immediately so
>>the
>>pooper can poop in peace.
>>
>>WATERMELON:
>>
>>A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
>>the
>>toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
>>a
>>Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>>
>>HAVANA OMELET:
>>
>>A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
>>toilet
>>water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
>>with
>>an
>>Astaire.
>>
>>UNCLE TODD:
>>
>>An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
>>forever.
>>This
>>person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
>>or
>>sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
>>while on
>>the
>>crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
>>empty.
>>This
>>benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.