Has anyone heard of this comedian

[Old Tiger]

Steven Wright? He is really funny

[SWMustang]

you're joking, right? :)

[Blastoderm55]

Um, sounds familiar.

[Underwater Basketweaver]

The best there is. he is hilarious

"My friend put in a circle drive....now he can't get out"
-Steven Wright

[Old Tiger]

"I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone."

[PurpleFreddy]

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were driving?"

Steven Wright: "No."

Cop: "You were going 95 miles per hour."

Steven Wright: "I wasn't planning on being out that long."

[Old Tiger]

Introduced


Audience applauds



"Thanks"



lol

[Crimestick]

He's a legend.

[STANG RED]

Steven Wright is dry as dirt, and funny as hell. One of my favorites! Been around for quiet a while though. Cant believe your just now hearing of him.
Wasnt he on Seinfeld a few episodes?

[Old Tiger]

Sorry I'm young! I saw a special he had on Comedy Central the other night.

[LH Panther Mom]

Every time I see him, I'm rolling on the floor laughing! :D

[BTEXDAD]

He is very dry and funny.
Couple more from him.

You're in a spaceship going faster than the speed of light. What would happen if you turn on the headlights?

And my favorite that I still use personally all the time.

Guy stops at convenience store that says 'Open 24 hours".
Manager is just locking up. Guy says to manager, "but your sign says open 24 hours".

Manager says "Well, not in a row."

[carter08]

Whats the speed of dark?

[super1]

The World According to Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

[infamous]

my older brother told me once about him...he's not all that funny really

his humor is quite boring...but alas, I suppose those who lack any type of personality would probably find him to be "oh so hilarious"

[lepfan]

Originally posted by infamous
I suppose those who lack any type of personality ....look who is talking....you have to have a personality to understand... :)

maybe you should listen to your brother more often....????

[STANG RED]

Originally posted by infamous
my older brother told me once about him...he's not all that funny really

his humor is quite boring...but alas, I suppose those who lack any type of personality would probably find him to be "oh so hilarious"
And those who lack the intellect to understand his jokes all say “his humor is quite boring”. But alas, maybe they just lack any sense of humor to begin with. Either way, I feel sorry for such sad people.

[wimbo_pro]

My favorite Wright quote:

I have a map of the world...it's to scale.

[wimbo_pro]

Gee infamous...if you dont like him, just say so. No need to attack others who disagree with you. And by the way, if you need someone to explain the jokes to you, I'm sure Steven Wright has a "Jokes for Dummies" book for you.

[Txbroadcaster]

Originally posted by STANG RED
And those who lack the intellect to understand his jokes all say “his humor is quite boring”. But alas, maybe they just lack any sense of humor to begin with. Either way, I feel sorry for such sad people.

I love His humor, but to say that someone lacks intelligence or a sense of humor if they dont like him is a bit arrogant. Maybe their sense of humor just does not mesh with his style.

[STANG RED]

Originally posted by Txbroadcaster
I love His humor, but to say that someone lacks intelligence or a sense of humor if they dont like him is a bit arrogant. Maybe their sense of humor just does not mesh with his style.

My post was simply a response to his attack on anyone (including you) who likes him. Did you not read his post???
I'm just the type that shoots back with a bigger gun when shot at. Arrogance had nothing to do with it!

[GS#17]

He's easily one of my favorites. After seeing this, I pulled up a few of his routines on YouTube.com. Even though I've heard a bunch of his material a lot of times, it's always funny to me.

[Old Tiger]

In my spare time I like to waste time.

[infamous]

I didn't attack him.

And you guys take things too personally...I could have just been sarcastic...but alas it's through text I doubt you'd be able to tell the difference. In other words don't get offended over just a comedian...

I mean seriously...don't let an online message board poster push you over the edge... :p

[Old Tiger]

Originally posted by infamous
I didn't attack him.

And you guys take things too personally...I could have just been sarcastic...but alas it's through text I doubt you'd be able to tell the difference. In other words don't get offended over just a comedian...

I mean seriously...don't let an online message board poster push you over the edge... :p QUIT ATTACKING US!!!!:( :D :p

[infamous]

Originally posted by Tiger WR
QUIT ATTACKING US!!!!:( :D :p

awww luff <3

[carter08]

GET A ROOM :mad: :mad:

vBulletin Message
Sorry! The administrator has specified that users can only post one message every 30 seconds.:(

[infamous]

Originally posted by carter08
GET A ROOM :mad: :mad:

vBulletin Message
Sorry! The administrator has specified that users can only post one message every 30 seconds.:(

awww carter, u r luff' too

[Old Tiger]

:eek: :confused: wtflip?

[infamous]

luff