CalallenWildcat
09-14-2006, 06:26 PM
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in
the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,
waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain
Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary -
that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20, 000
people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20, 000
people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make
the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete
with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the
ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the
ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting
list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're
going to the game, because they have classes on
Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because
they don't want to see the few hung-over students
that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University
opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin
arriving on Wednesday for the weekend
festivities. The really faithful arrive on
Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch
ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for
breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is
broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it,
listening to local radio station with truck
tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up
at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance
by "Dave Matthews' Band, " who comes over during
breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you
find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On
game day it becomes the state's third largest
city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to
the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the
home team's mascot on it, filled less than
halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for
Captain Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less
than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100, 000 fans, all standing, sing along in
perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain
Morgan/Crown.
Commentators:
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and
break his legs!"
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and
break his legs!"
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the
fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is
so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game
ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in
the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,
waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain
Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary -
that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20, 000
people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20, 000
people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make
the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete
with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the
ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the
ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting
list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're
going to the game, because they have classes on
Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because
they don't want to see the few hung-over students
that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University
opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin
arriving on Wednesday for the weekend
festivities. The really faithful arrive on
Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch
ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for
breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is
broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it,
listening to local radio station with truck
tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up
at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance
by "Dave Matthews' Band, " who comes over during
breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you
find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On
game day it becomes the state's third largest
city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to
the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the
home team's mascot on it, filled less than
halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for
Captain Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less
than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100, 000 fans, all standing, sing along in
perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain
Morgan/Crown.
Commentators:
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and
break his legs!"
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and
break his legs!"
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the
fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is
so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game
ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.