Something to offend everybody

[CHS_CG]

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... a recipe.

and...


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***..."

[garageoffice]

OMG CHS_CG...that's not fair!! I laughed til tears streamed down my face!

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by CHS_CG

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


:evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by CHS_CG


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes



I don't understand :confused: :confused: :D :D :D :D :D :inlove:

[Ranger Mom]

An oldie but always a goodie!!:)

[eagles_victory]

Originally posted by CHS_CG


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Thats incorrect because no one person has the same DNA im not sure but twins might have the same DNA but West Virginia isnt full of twins so he doesnt reallly have a reason to move to West Virginia unless hes a Mountaineers fan. Your half right Rm about it being an oldie :D

[Pmoney]

hahaha thats hilarious:clap: :D

[DaHop72]

Originally posted by eagles_victory
Thats incorrect because no one person has the same DNA im not sure but twins might have the same DNA but West Virginia isnt full of twins so he doesnt reallly have a reason to move to West Virginia unless hes a Mountaineers fan. Your half right Rm about it being an oldie :D It's a joke.:crazy: :crazy:

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by DaHop72
It's a joke.:crazy: :crazy:
zzoooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by 44INAROW
zzoooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :) great! now i have that mazda commercial in my head!! :doh: zoom, zoom, zoom.... :weeping:

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by 44INAROW
zzoooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)

Do you remember the show "ZOOM" back in the day??

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
Do you remember the show "ZOOM" back in the day??

ut oh, must have been in "those foggy years" :D :D who was in it?

[DaHop72]

Originally posted by 44INAROW
ut oh, must have been in "those foggy years" :D :D who was in it? :smoker: :smoker:

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by 44INAROW
ut oh, must have been in "those foggy years" :D :D who was in it?


LOL!! I don't remember...it was in the 70's. I just remember they all wore striped shirts and sang!!



http://images.amazon.com/images/P/6305048924.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

[AggieJohn]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
LOL!! I don't remember...it was in the 70's. I just remember they all wore striped shirts and sang!!



http://images.amazon.com/images/P/6305048924.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg ranger mom is showing her age

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by AggieJohn
ranger mom is showing her age

Have I ever tried to hide it??:confused:

[garageoffice]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
Do you remember the show "ZOOM" back in the day??

My sisters were always wanting to watch it...I couldn't stand it! It was pure torture!

:weeping:

[Ranger Mom]

I just remember there was some guy I thought was hot on there!!:inlove:

Well actually, at that time, I probably thought he was "groovy" or "swell"!:kiss:

[DaHop72]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
Have I ever tried to hide it??:confused: "Old Timer":devil: :devil: :kiss:

[garageoffice]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
I just remember there was some guy I thought was hot on there!!:inlove:

Well actually, at that time, I probably thought he was "groovy" or "swell"!:kiss:

Aaahhhh!!! I knew is MUST have been something like that! LOL

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by pirate4state
great! now i have that mazda commercial in my head!! :doh: zoom, zoom, zoom.... :weeping:


it could be worse







I'm a pi-ra-na. They're in the Am-a-zon.

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
it could be worse







I'm a pi-ra-na. They're in the Am-a-zon.

HEY!!! What in the heck have I done to YOU today?????:mad: :mad: :mad:

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by garageoffice
OMG CHS_CG...that's not fair!! I laughed til tears streamed down my face!

glad you liked it.. i get all kinds of crazy emails from my coworkers in different branchs. the sunday morning church one i got from them.. if you havent read it go search for it and read it... it killed me!

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
HEY!!! What in the heck have I done to YOU today?????:mad: :mad: :mad:


nothing... that just made me thing of that!

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
nothing... that just made me thing of that!

Rita doesn't remember that part of the movie....do you??

Lord knows we watched it enough!!!:D

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
Rita doesn't remember that part of the movie....do you??

Lord knows we watched it enough!!!:D

heck yes i do.... the dentist takes nemo out of the tank and puts him in the bag with water... he tired to roll out but it didnt work so then he pretends to go 'belly up' and shen darla comes in he says "lets see those pearly whites" and darla bites at him and goes I'm a pirana. They're in the Amazon. and he goes thats right and a pirana is a fish just like your present and she gets all excited and the dentist goes to get nemo and hes "acting" and he tells darla "musta left it in the car and goes to flush nemo but then that damn bird comes on and marlin is like GO IN THERE and they start flying around in there and crap and nemo gets dropped on the tray...


i think i remember it! lol

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
heck yes i do.... the dentist takes nemo out of the tank and puts him in the bag with water... he tired to roll out but it didnt work so then he pretends to go 'belly up' and shen darla comes in he says "lets see those pearly whites" and darla bites at him and goes I'm a pirana. They're in the Amazon. and he goes thats right and a pirana is a fish just like your present and she gets all excited and the dentist goes to get nemo and hes "acting" and he tells darla "musta left it in the car and goes to flush nemo but then that damn bird comes on and marlin is like GO IN THERE and they start flying around in there and crap and nemo gets dropped on the tray...


i think i remember it! lol

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Exactly!!:clap: :clap:

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Exactly!!:clap: :clap:


Told ya i remembered!



here's another joke


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
Told ya i remembered!



here's another joke


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

LOL!! Okay....now THAT was funny!!:D

[CHS_CG]

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

[CHS_CG]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
Rita doesn't remember that part of the movie....do you??

Lord knows we watched it enough!!!:D I didn't remember it at first :smoker: but I did, eventually!!! :D

I guess since Darla was annoying I blocked out her scene!! LOL!


Originally posted by CHS_CG
heck yes i do.... the dentist takes nemo out of the tank and puts him in the bag with water... he tired to roll out but it didnt work so then he pretends to go 'belly up' and shen darla comes in he says "lets see those pearly whites" and darla bites at him and goes I'm a pirana. They're in the Amazon. and he goes thats right and a pirana is a fish just like your present and she gets all excited and the dentist goes to get nemo and hes "acting" and he tells darla "musta left it in the car and goes to flush nemo but then that damn bird comes on and marlin is like GO IN THERE and they start flying around in there and crap and nemo gets dropped on the tray...i think i remember it! lol

I got it T, but thanks for the recap! ;) :D

[DaHop72]

Originally posted by pirate4state
I didn't remember it at first :smoker: but I did, eventually!!! :D

I guess since Darla was annoying I blocked out her scene!! LOL!



I got it T, but thanks for the recap! ;) :D [/B] "It's okay now, I'm here" :devil: :devil:

[CHS_CG]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by DaHop72
"It's okay now, I'm here" :devil: :devil: and this thread has officially strayed off topic!!! :evillaugh :evillaugh :D :kiss:

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by pirate4state
and this thread has officially strayed off topic!!! :evillaugh :evillaugh :D :kiss:

hey im still posting jokes!

[CHS_CG]

ROFLMAO

[CHS_CG]

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
ROFLMAO



:eek: :eek: :eek:

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
ROFLMAO



OMG........ :nerd: :nerd: :nerd: :nerd: :nerd: :p

[DaHop72]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" Pardon me while I clean the ice tea off my screen.:thumbsup: