OK Boys...The gloves are off!!

[Ranger Mom]

If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

Equality is a myth - woman are better!

All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!

The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain? A: A widower!

[Ranger Mom]

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have ba**s to scratch

Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

Whate the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Ranger Mom ]</small>

[Ranger Mom]

Why do only some men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a rugby game.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to Instruction Manuals+ACI-.
Why do men need instant re-plays on TV sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.

Where can you find a man who is truly committed?
In a mental hospital.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

[sinton66]

I must be psychic. That's some funny stuff there.
Now I gotta go search! wink

[sinton66]

Gender Science

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Ranger Mom]

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and an ass to pay for it all.

How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on Friday night.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable,
while the other is just having a baby.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind them and throw rice.

Husband: Want to try a different position tonight?
Wife: Sure. Why don't you stand over by the ironing board, and I will sit on the sofa and &@#% (pass gas).

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Look who's drinking them.

Q: How does a man buy lingerie for a woman?
A: He throws it on the floor to see if it looks good.

How are men like a used car?
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable...

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: Ranger Mom ]</small>

[Ranger Mom]

OOPS, I didn't review the above very closely before I posted it, some of the jokes I meant to take off first. (OFF-COLOR!!)

Sorry if I offended anyone who read them before I edited!!

[Bandera YaYa]

RangerMom...you are my hero!!!!

(Ilove picking on these lame-brains...they think they are really getting to me...as if!)

Ya Ya!!

[Ranger Mom]

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

~~~~~

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

~~~~~

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

~~~~~

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

~~~~~

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

~~~~

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

~~~~~

When would you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

~~~~~

Why are men like guns?
Keep one around long enough, and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

~~~~~

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.

~~~~~

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

~~~~~

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

~~~~~

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

~~~~~

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

~~~~~

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

[sinton66]

Women are like......

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

[PhiI C]

I am so happy that the Spurs are the NBA champions this year. I am gonna wear my Spurs cap to the football games again this year.

BEST NBA SERIES WE EVER HAD!

[sinton66]

RangerMom, you're getting really good at this. I had a hard time trying to keep up! Funny stuff! I just knew you were lurking about somewhere just waiting for the invite! wink

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Ranger Mom]

This is all in fun, but as I was searching for jokes I came upon a site called ihatemen.com and looked there for jokes. These people have a message board and everything. I read a few things and left, they were SCARY!!!

[Ranger Mom]

sinton66:
RangerMom, you're getting really good at this. I had a hard time trying to keep up! Funny stuff! I just knew you were lurking about somewhere just waiting for the invite! wink Now 66, you know I don't EVER wait to be invited. I just didn't get on until late tonight - and when I read PPHSFAN's topic, I was rarin' to go!! :p I actually planned on posting on the same link, but I read some more topics and forgot to go back into the thread to post!!

[sinton66]

Well, I'm glad you made it. That was some funny stuff! I'm gonna have to have a talk with PPHSfan, he gets this stuff started then goes off to bed and leaves me hanging. :D

[Ranger Mom]

Well...actually that is where I am headed also. After reading all the male/female bashing jokes, I suddenly have the urge to kick my husband out of bed and tell him to sleep in his recliner he seems to love so much!! :D :D

Not really!!

[eye of the tiger]

Ranger Mom. Nicely done. I admit to the one about raising my legs for the vacuum. And now that I am fessing up, I have been know to suck in my stomach on the beach a time or two. Didn't help much though. :cool:

[sinton66]

Yeah, she NAILED me a couple of times too! :D :D

[PPHSfan]

That is some good stuff MOM. However I wish you Gals would do like I did on my thread and post one joke at a time, instead of cutting and pasting so many. The challenge of finding the really quality stuff and posting it a little bit at a time is what makes it so much fun. :D

[Phil C]

Two men were riding in an airplane.

Unfortunately one of them fell out.

Fortunately there was a haystack down below.

Unfortunately there was a pitchfork in the haystack.

Fortunately he missed the pitchfork.

Unfortunately he missed the haystack.

[Phil C]

One bright day in the middle of the night.

Two crippled men stood up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other.

Drew their swords and shot each other.

The fight was reported by the deaf man who heard the shots.

Now friends if you don't believe this lie is not true,

Just ask the blind man - he saw it too.

[Phil C]

Sheriff to Justice of the Peace Judge "Your honor this defendant is charged with vagrancy."

Judge to Defendant "Do you work?"

Defendant "Now and then."

Judge "Where do you work?"

Defendant "Here and there."

Judge "What do you do?"

Defendant "This and that."

Judge "I find you guilty. I sentence you to jail."

Defendant "When am I going to get out Judge?"

Judge "Sooner or later."

[Phil C]

I keep trying to pay my taxes with a smile but they keep insisting on money. :)

[Ranger Mom]

PPHSfan:
That is some good stuff MOM. However I wish you Gals would do like I did on my thread and post one joke at a time, instead of cutting and pasting so many. The challenge of finding the really quality stuff and posting it a little bit at a time is what makes it so much fun. :D Hey, give me a break here. I didn't log on until after 10:00 and had to get as many in as possible before bedtime!! (I had some catching up to do, and it seemed like the scales were tipped in the men's favor) BESIDES....You can't start a thread like that and expect us women to play by YOUR rules!! :rolleyes: :p :rolleyes: :p :rolleyes:

[PPHSfan]

LOL