Joke Contest

[smustangs]

lets have a 3adownlow joke contest

[Adidas410s]

well since I get all of my jokes from here I wont win

[smustangs]

you can post jokes until 11:59 pm thursday at that time no more jokes will be accepted. then we can take nominations for the top 5 jokes until saturday at 11:59 pm at that time i will post a poll containing the top 5 and you can vote till monday at 11:59 pm

[District303aPastPlayer]

My Emotions...

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing that point of satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[smustangs]

thanks

[STANG RED]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I head her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanon, Corvallis, OR



6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."



Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY!!!..........This is the best!!!!!!!......



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams to cover my
embarrassment; I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener'!".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[CHSWR07]

yo momma so fat they threw her a party for turning all the way around

yo mommas teeth so yellow when she smiles everyone slows down.

yo momma so dumb she sold her car for gas money

yo momma so dumb she got hit by a parked car

PICK ONE

[NHSRattler60]

Priceless. Effed up, but priceless none-the-less.

[NHSRattler60]

Yo momma's so fat the polo horse on her shirt is real.

Yo momma is so ugly even Dr. Pepper wont treat her.

Yo Momma smells so bad she alone is a level 3 ozone alert

Yo momma is so big that Bin Laden hides in her belly button

Yo Momma is so poor her piggy bank died of starvation.

Yo momma is so stupid she thought the electric slide was a ride for death row inmates.

[Ranger Mom]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

[AP Panther Fan]

LOL Ranger Mom! I cringed through most of the joke, but loved the punch line.:D

[Ranger Mom]

Originally posted by AP Panther Fan
LOL Ranger Mom! I cringed through most of the joke, but loved the punch line.:D

I am still wondering if it may be a little too "risque" for this board.

My dad told me that joke and I about fell in the floor laughing!

[pirate4state]

Originally posted by Ranger Mom
I am still wondering if it may be a little too "risque" for this board.

My dad told me that joke and I about fell in the floor laughing! Worse has been implied. ;) :D :D

[lostaussie]

yo momma so fat, she was playing hide and seek with the kids and they found her behind texas:D

[District303aPastPlayer]

yo mama so fat, she threw a gang bang on the Hebrews :)

[smustangs]

ttt

[smustangs]

gettin close to time to cut off entries and start nominating yall better hurry