Buccaneer
02-06-2006, 10:43 PM
DARWIN AWARDS FOR 2005
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
here they are.
The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are given
each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until these
events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The
accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley
and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into
a tower.
It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who apparently was being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked
him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related
to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go
off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his
mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off,
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday, with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from
the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men in Grants Pass, Oregon.)
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre to the
left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died
instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on
his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but
the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall; he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a
holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his
pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in
considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to
find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and
dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in
his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed
from the gene pool.
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
here they are.
The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are given
each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until these
events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The
accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley
and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into
a tower.
It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who apparently was being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked
him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related
to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go
off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his
mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off,
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday, with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from
the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men in Grants Pass, Oregon.)
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre to the
left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died
instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on
his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but
the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall; he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a
holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his
pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in
considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to
find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and
dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in
his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed
from the gene pool.