Matthew328
12-17-2005, 12:24 AM
I saw this on theoldcoach.com and I thought it was hilarious....so I figured I'd share.....I love coaches sense of humor..
HOW TO POOP AT WORK---SURVIVAL GUIDE
WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE...THIS IS FUNNY
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the
instant th! e poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work
and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the wherea! bouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are
in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you! are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK---SURVIVAL GUIDE
WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE...THIS IS FUNNY
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the
instant th! e poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work
and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the wherea! bouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are
in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you! are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.