HighSchool Fan
11-01-2005, 04:26 PM
A Texas Chili Contest
>>
>> Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
>> loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
>> to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better.
>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They
>> actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It
>> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city
park.
>>
>> The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
>> was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
>> chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment
>> and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured
>> by
>> the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that
>> spicy
>> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting,
>> so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is
Judge
>> #3)
>>
>> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway.. Took me two beers to put
>> out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>>
>> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
>> I'm
>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
>> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>> they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
>> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
>> like
>> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my
>> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from
all
>> of the beer...
>>
>> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish,
>> or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
>> Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
>> That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
waste
>> I' m
>> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
>> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me
>> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that
>> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding
>> by
>> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
>> lips off.
>> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks.
>>
>> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
>> balance of spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>> garlic. Superb.
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>> gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
>> worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
stand
>> behind me
>> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt
>> with
>> a snow cone.
>>
>> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
>> chili
>> peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing
>> uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
>> slid
>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt.
>> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to
>> stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen
>> anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my
>> stomach.
>>
>> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold,
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild,
>> nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed
>> out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
>> reacted to really hot chili?
>>
>> Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
>> loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
>> to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better.
>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They
>> actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It
>> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city
park.
>>
>> The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
>> was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
>> chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment
>> and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured
>> by
>> the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that
>> spicy
>> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting,
>> so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is
Judge
>> #3)
>>
>> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway.. Took me two beers to put
>> out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>>
>> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
>> I'm
>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
>> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>> they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
>> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
>> like
>> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my
>> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from
all
>> of the beer...
>>
>> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish,
>> or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
>> Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
>> That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
waste
>> I' m
>> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
>> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me
>> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that
>> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding
>> by
>> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
>> lips off.
>> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks.
>>
>> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
>> balance of spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>> garlic. Superb.
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>> gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
>> worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
stand
>> behind me
>> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt
>> with
>> a snow cone.
>>
>> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
>> chili
>> peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing
>> uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
>> slid
>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt.
>> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to
>> stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen
>> anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my
>> stomach.
>>
>> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold,
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild,
>> nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed
>> out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
>> reacted to really hot chili?