Ranger Mom
06-17-2005, 10:55 PM
.Disclaimer: To some of the "less astute" posters on the board...DO NOT TRY THESE....THEY ARE ONLY A JOKE!!!!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Oldies to Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.
ALWAYS be nice to anyone serving you food.
And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need
them to empty your bedpan
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Oldies to Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.
ALWAYS be nice to anyone serving you food.
And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need
them to empty your bedpan