Add your joke here......

[AP Panther Fan]

...if you have received any good ones lately.:D



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

"They will in a minute."

:D :D :D

[Phil C]

Very good AP!!

I remember once when my 12 year old was three years old and he had a coloring book and he colored a man in the book green then he gleefully exclaimed "Mr. Green!!! "

:D

[BTEXDAD]

Students came in for a major test at A&M in a large freshman biology class.

On each desk was a plaster of paris block with the foot print of a bird in it. Instructions were to look at the bird's footprint and write everything they could tell about the bird. How big it was, its migration habits, its markings, what kind of nest it built, how many offspring it had in a year, etc.
Students all looked around with puzzled looks. Several made comments to professor that they were in a freshman biology class not some type of zoology or ornithology class.
Professor had no pity and told them they were wasting test time. Finally most of the aggies started working on the test as best they could.
But one guy in the back(I think he was from Sinton), started muttering and grumbling. "This is stupid! There's no way we could know anything about the bird just from a foot print! I'm not wasting my time with this test!"
He stood up and walked to front of room and laid his test on professor's desk and started to leave.
The class was very large, so the professor didn't know all the students and wasn't sure who this guy was.
"Wait a minute, young man," the prof said, "You need to at least write your name on the test paper so I can give you your F."
The student looked at prof, then took off his sandals and dropped them on professor's desk. "If you're so damn smart, you figure it out!" He said.

[Phil C]

Good one BT! Smart Student!

[RBARKER]

Here is one I received from a lady in my office. My Wife enjoyed it, but I still don't get it :confused: :thinking: :D

Subject: NEW! Evening Classes for Men!



NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!
Starting this month!!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

3: DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by BTEXDAD
But one guy in the back(I think he was from Sinton)


:D :D :D

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by RBARKER

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.



TOO FUNNY

[Pmoney]

One day down in this mystical forest a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog never laid eyes on another animal. But today, he saw this bear chasing a rabbit for dinner.

He tells them to stop and says,"yall are the first animals ive seen so i will grant yall each 3 wishes." Bear you can go first...The bear says "I wish all the bears in this forest, besides me, were female. So they are. The frog then wishes for a helmet.

The bear then decides he wants all the bears in the next forest were females also for his 2nd wish. Then the rabbit wished for a motercycle. The bear was shocked over the rabbits idiotic wish.

For his final wish, the bear wishes that every bear in the world, besides him, was female.

Then the rabbit says, "I wish this bear was gay."

[HornetMom]

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.!
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[AP Panther Fan]

LOL...here's one I just got.:D




A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a$$! Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it
float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbi*** who pushed me in the pool!:D

[RBARKER]

Read these questions very carefully, because some are trick questions designed to throw you off.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the Southern States Professional Engineer Licensing Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 9000 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[District303aPastPlayer]

Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

[JHS_c/o_06']

Originally posted by BTEXDAD
Students came in for a major test at A&M in a large freshman biology class.

On each desk was a plaster of paris block with the foot print of a bird in it. Instructions were to look at the bird's footprint and write everything they could tell about the bird. How big it was, its migration habits, its markings, what kind of nest it built, how many offspring it had in a year, etc.
Students all looked around with puzzled looks. Several made comments to professor that they were in a freshman biology class not some type of zoology or ornithology class.
Professor had no pity and told them they were wasting test time. Finally most of the aggies started working on the test as best they could.
But one guy in the back(I think he was from Sinton), started muttering and grumbling. "This is stupid! There's no way we could know anything about the bird just from a foot print! I'm not wasting my time with this test!"
He stood up and walked to front of room and laid his test on professor's desk and started to leave.
The class was very large, so the professor didn't know all the students and wasn't sure who this guy was.
"Wait a minute, young man," the prof said, "You need to at least write your name on the test paper so I can give you your F."
The student looked at prof, then took off his sandals and dropped them on professor's desk. "If you're so damn smart, you figure it out!" He said.


YESS!!!......THAT WAS AWESOME!

[GreenMonster]

Aggie John was cruising the downtown sidewalks of College Station one day and saw a sign that read "Wet Cement," so he did.

[AggieJohn]

A*M doesn't have sidewalks they have pasteurs(sp?)

[HornetMom]

Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South
Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what
he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and
you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial attorneys in the United States and, if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the
Coyote "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Coyote Three Kick
Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute
occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and
then you kick me three times and so on back and
forth until someone gives up"

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the
old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted
the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours
when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him
face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck.

[BTEXDAD]

Originally posted by RBARKER


10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Great stuff, barker, but this last one made me lol for some reason.
Wonder why it is that no C&W singers are ever born in Dallas or Houston, (or New York City for that matter)?

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by HornetMom
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck.


:D Love it! Great way to start my Friday! Thanks!