Post a GOOD joke here....

[AP Panther Fan]

Since I don't have any good ones and could use a grin or giggle this morning.....:D

[LH Panther Mom]

When wr!t!ng someth!ng, always use an exclamat!on po!nt where there !s a lower case "i" to make !t look as though you are wr!t!ng !t ups!de-down.
*
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
*
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
*
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
*
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
*
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
*
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or mailto:Elvis_the_King@companyname.com>
*
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
*
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
*
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
*
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
*
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
*
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.
*
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc. in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
*
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
*
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
*
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
*
Practice making fax and modem noises.
*
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
*
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
*
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
*
Dont use any punctuation
*
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
*
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
*
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
*
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
*
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
*
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
*
Honk and wave at strangers.
*
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
*
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
*
type only in lowercase.
*
"What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
*
Sing along at the opera.
*
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
*
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(May have been posted before.)

[HighSchool Fan]

i think this has been on here before (http://media.ebaumsworld.com/iraqreport.wmv)

[AP Panther Fan]

Thanks LHPM!:D

Here's one all of the "multiple" moms should be able to relate to.

Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

[CHS_CG]

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.


do you know how many people REALLY do that. When I worked at McDonalds people did that all the time. You answer the intercom thingy "thank you for choosing mcdonalds how can i help you?" and you get, "I need to put an order to go." you just wanna say DUH ITS THE DRIVE THRU! lol:rolleyes:

[pirate44]

Hillareous. SPF25 is gonna love these AP

[CHS_CG]

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy


haha.. NOT.. i hate maternity clothes...

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by pirate44
Hillareous. SPF25 is gonna love these AP


Watch out, Pirate44 Jr. may be an only child!:D

[HighSchool Fan]

Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a b!tch called back."

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
haha.. NOT.. i hate maternity clothes...

LOL...just save them and remember....


-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.


:evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh

[TheDOCTORdre]

A wife walks in the kitchen and sees her husband holding a fly swatter. She asks him, "Why are you holding the fly swatter?" The husband says, "I'm killin' flys." She asks, "Well, have you killed any yet?" He says, "Yep, three males and two females." The wife, puzzled, says, "How can you tell what sex they are?" The husband replies "Well, three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by HighSchool Fan
Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a b!tch called back."


LOL:clap: :clap: :clap:

[CHS_CG]

Originally posted by AP Panther Fan
LOL...just save them and remember....


-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.


:evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh


2nd one is A LONG time away.. probably wont be a 3rd.

[District303aPastPlayer]

Originally posted by CHS_CG
2nd one is A LONG time away.. probably wont be a 3rd.

you do know that Old Navy has some maternity clothes.. i bet that they would look nice... ive never seen em though

[Bubba-Joe]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.. ."

[44INAROW]

Originally posted by AP Panther Fan
Thanks LHPM!:D

Here's one all of the "multiple" moms should be able to relate to.

Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

so true so true.. then the flip side is.. my older boys are 29 and 27 and my 3rd one is 17 - the older boys call the 17 yr old "the golden child" "we didn't get a truck when we turned 16" "we didn't get cell phones when we were 16" I jokingly tell them that if it makes them feel better that since we paid for their college education when the 17 yr old graduates from college, we'll present him an INVOICE for 4 years of tuition, books, room and board.. (of course we wouldn't do that :rolleyes: ) but it shuts them up long enough for a family meal :D

[Ranger Mom]

If a woman's place is in the home...why am I always in my car?:thinking:

[HighSchool Fan]

At the Grave

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"


The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[HighSchool Fan]

Trick Question

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[AP Panther Fan]

Lesson in Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."





http://www.1funny.com/images/puke.gif

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by HighSchool Fan
But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

:p :D

[LH Panther Mom]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[HighSchool Fan]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[big daddy russ]

Originally posted by LH Panther Mom
Honk and wave at strangers.
I don't know if this one will work. Here in Texas they'll just wave back.;)

[HighSchool Fan]

Drinking, Gambling, and Golf
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

[HighSchool Fan]

Crafty Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own

[HighSchool Fan]

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[LH Panther Mom]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."