Headlines

[44INAROW]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Tastes like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

(Can You Believe This?)