Joke

[Gsquared]

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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting hammered. A man came in and asked the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some
things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the
man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting
by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied
it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it
to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore
rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail
to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . .

[District303aPastPlayer]

thats just wrong

[Bullaholic]

LoL..This reminds me---know any Aggie jokes G2?

[onfirebball05mustang]

That's omg that's just not even cool! lol...let's not get all aggie/horn now...

[onfirebball05mustang]

OK I'll play nice...

There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"

[District303aPastPlayer]

once again, too funny..

[onfirebball05mustang]

There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
''How did you get that?'' they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot a buck.'' Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
''How did you get that?'' they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot an elephant.'' Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I got hit by a train."


There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go. The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go. The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go. The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in it will work better."


An Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater were all prisoners. They were lined up for execution by gun. The Aggie was smart and when the executor yelled "ready...steady..." he yelled "TORNADO". Everyone looked around and the Aggie escaped. The Longhorn followed his example and when the executor yelled "ready...steady..." he yelled "FLOOD". Everyone looked around and the Longhorn escaped. The Bug Eater had it all planned. When the executor yelled "ready...steady..." He screamed at the top of his lungs "FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bug Eater: Gone but NOT Forgotten


Little Johnny quit his school's baseball team and his best friend asked him why.
"Well, you see, the coach really hates me."
"Why do you say that Little Johnny?"
"Well, whenever I reach third base, the coach always yells 'GO HOME LITTLE JOHNNY, GO HOME'"


Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every bunker, water hazard and piece of rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is the proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those girls to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back.
"I can't do it," he said, "one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world!"


Two elderly, lifelong friends and avid golf players were sitting on a park bench discussing the possibilities of life in the hereafter and Heaven. They agreed that the first one to pass on would try to contact the survivor.
A few months later, the eldest, John, died. His friend, Bill, was disconsolate, but a week after the funeral, he was awakened in the middle of the night by John, standing at the foot of his bed.
'Bill,' he said, 'I've got good news and bad news about Heaven. First the good news. The whole place is one tremendous golf course that changes every time you play it! The fairways are ideal, very few roughs, challenging bunkers, great food and drinks at the 19th hole, pretty ladies to date, palatial homes, and eternal youth!'
Bill got very excited. 'Great,' he replied, 'but what could possibly be the bad news?'
John said, 'You're due to tee up at 1:00 PM on Saturday.'


The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."


A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[Ranger Mom]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[onfirebball05mustang]

There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Ranger Mom]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I takeBelle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog at the end of the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

[onfirebball05mustang]

ok. trying this again.....

Redneck Love Poem
(you can use this one Bubba-Joe!)

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

[NSUTrumpet08]

These are all great jokes! Keep em comin! :)

[onfirebball05mustang]

will do NSU! (lol that rhymes a little) :doh:

[Gsquared]

I stole this one A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullsh**ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[onfirebball05mustang]

Top Ten Reasons Computers are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

[Gsquared]

Originally posted by onfirebball05mustang
Top Ten Reasons Computers are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.
Wait, size DOES matter? Uh oh, I was hoping that was just a myth. :eek:

[onfirebball05mustang]

Originally posted by Gsquared
Wait, size DOES matter? Uh oh, I was hoping that was just a myth. :eek:

:doh:

[onfirebball05mustang]

another computer one...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug Warning: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[onfirebball05mustang]

Bad Day

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

[pirate44]

Originally posted by onfirebball05mustang
Bad Day

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"
i never thought anyone could turn beastiality into humor.

[onfirebball05mustang]

hey it got a guy 2 triple scotches! lol it's sick, and yet funny

[Gsquared]

Kind of like the guy who said, man, I got way too drunk last night and now im ashamed of myself. His buddy goes, why feel ashamed, everybody has gotten drunk. "Yeah, but I blew chunks" His buddy once again says , well , "Everyone has throwup at some point in time" He responds, "No, you dont understand, my dogs name is Chunks"

[pirate44]

theres more of those jokes out there than i thought :hairpunk:

[onfirebball05mustang]

Originally posted by pirate44
theres more of those jokes out there than i thought :hairpunk:

kinda shows the way the world is headed sometimes don't it?

[pirate44]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[onfirebball05mustang]

i was debating on posting that one!:D

[pirate44]

Originally posted by onfirebball05mustang
i was debating on posting that one!:D
me too:D seemed like it was too long to keep peoples attention.

[onfirebball05mustang]

Originally posted by pirate44
me too:D seemed like it was too long to keep peoples attention.

some of us need to work on our ADD problems!:crazy:

[AP Panther Fan]

Originally posted by pirate44
me too:D seemed like it was too long to keep peoples attention.

I liked it! :D No attention deficit here!

[rockdale80]

Subject: Good Ole Baptist
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on
the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the congregation said, "amen."

[AP Panther Fan]

LOL! Good one ... reminds me of another little old lady in church joke. I'll have to see if I can find it.:)

[Gsquared]

Find it?