anybody know any good clean jokes?

[bullfrog_alumni_02]

the board is so slow, and im really bored, so if you got a good joke, please post if here.

[bullfrog_alumni_02]

ill start us off...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[sinton66]

Confucius says, "War doesn't determine who is right. War
determines who is left."

[sinton66]

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she
thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home,
she finds her husband in bed with a another woman. The
blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it
at her own head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
shoot.

The blonde replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

[sinton66]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can
you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts
carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'


The interviewer tries
another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you
tell us your height, please?'


The young lady stands up
and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five
foot two!'


This isn't looking good so the interviewer
goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?'


The blonde bobs her head
from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'




The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your
counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?'


'Ohh that!',
replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

[D. R. Hooks]

I heard this at work today:

Did you hear the one about the TV antennaes? They got married today.

The wedding was terrible, but at the least the reception was great!

[Chief Woodman]

A seven year old Dallas boy was at the center of a courtroom drama
this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have
custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
parents so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed
that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have
custody of him. Custody was granted to the Dallas Cowboys this
morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of
beating anyone.

[Keith7]

A guy walked into a bar full of Texas A&M students in College Station and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some yankee sissy.

The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?“

The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”


Dang, Keith. Buy your books, send you to school.....

[sinton66]

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

[sinton66]

Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

[cat dog horse]

i dont have any clean joke but i got a dirty one....

a white horse fell in the mud

[bullfrog_alumni_02]

an ad in a local news paper:
"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
im a very good looking girl who loves to play. i love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. candle lit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. rub me the right way and watch me respond. ill be at your front door when you get home from work--wearing only what God gave me. Kiss me and im yours. call 770-555-1357 and ask for daisy.

over 150 men found themselves talking to the local humane society about an 8 week old black labrador retirever!

[pirate44]

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[bullfrog_alumni_02]

before going to europe on business, a man drove his rolls royce to a down town ny city bank and went in to ask for an immediate $5,000 loan. the loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "well, then, heres my rolls royce," the man said. the loan officer promptly gave him $5,000. two weeks later, the man walked through the banks doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "that will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said, "while you were gone i learned that you were a millionaire. why in the world would you need to borow $5,000?" the man smiled, "where else could i park my rolls royce in manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[pirate44]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."