rockdale80
12-20-2004, 07:21 AM
Thought this was funny....figured ya'll might too...
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the (fill in the blank)
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand
grenades..now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one
busted condom.
21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where that's been"
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the (fill in the blank)
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand
grenades..now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one
busted condom.
21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where that's been"