Jokes

[MagicMan]

Does anyone have any new jokes?

[bullfrog_alumni_02]

THIS MAY OFFEND SOME CATHOLICS, BUT ITS A JOKE....IF IT DOES PLEASE SCROLL PAST.




























A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat
it for it is my body." He did not say, " Eat me."
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

[NSUTrumpet08]

I remember that from an email years back...

[SwtwtrMstngs04]

Funny stuff right there.

[Holmes_Fans]

Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?









































Because he was to chicken

[pirate44]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"

[pirate44]

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[00Sinker]

lol:clap:

[onfirebball05mustang]

Originally posted by pirate44
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

:eek: ouch!:D lol

[superslyguy06]

so there's these 2 muffins sitting in an oven.
one muffin looks at the other and says,"MAN, IT'S HOT IN HERE!
"
the other muffin looks at him and screams, "AAAAAAAAAHHHH, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

hahahaha

[pirate44]

Originally posted by superslyguy06
so there's these 2 muffins sitting in an oven.
one muffin looks at the other and says,"MAN, IT'S HOT IN HERE!
"
the other muffin looks at him and screams, "AAAAAAAAAHHHH, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

hahahaha
i love that kind of humor!:D :clap:

[BlackSmith]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?



















He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

[pirate44]

thats just wrong!:mad: