BIG19
09-10-2004, 12:00 PM
Here is a checklist that we develpoed to get people ready for a deployment here. Thought I would share it with the masses.
The following checklist should prepare you in making a smooth transition to your deployment:
- Sleep in a cot in the garage
- Replace the garage door with a curtain
- Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/husband/significant other) whip open the curtain and shine a flashlight in your eyes, repeat every two hours
- Leave the lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level
- Have the paperboy cut your hair
- Make up and post your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your pantry or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
- Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking
- Invite 185 people you don't really like because they have strange personal hygiene habits to come and visit for a few months
- Raise the thresholds on your front and back door so that you trip over it every time you pass through one of them
- Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also bring a weapon and a flashlight
- Announce to your family they have mail and have them report to you, then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
- Wash only 20 items of laundry a week. Roll up the clothes in a ball and place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage. Later, unroll them and without ironing, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look like
- Go to the worst crime-infested place near you. Go heavily armed, wearing a flak vest and Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the locals that you are there to help them.
- Demand each family member be limited to fifteen minutes per phone call. Enforce this with your teenage child.
- Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance
- Fire off fifty cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 0300. When startled neighbors appear, tell them it's okay - you're just registering mortars
The following checklist should prepare you in making a smooth transition to your deployment:
- Sleep in a cot in the garage
- Replace the garage door with a curtain
- Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/husband/significant other) whip open the curtain and shine a flashlight in your eyes, repeat every two hours
- Leave the lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level
- Have the paperboy cut your hair
- Make up and post your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your pantry or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
- Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking
- Invite 185 people you don't really like because they have strange personal hygiene habits to come and visit for a few months
- Raise the thresholds on your front and back door so that you trip over it every time you pass through one of them
- Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also bring a weapon and a flashlight
- Announce to your family they have mail and have them report to you, then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
- Wash only 20 items of laundry a week. Roll up the clothes in a ball and place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage. Later, unroll them and without ironing, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look like
- Go to the worst crime-infested place near you. Go heavily armed, wearing a flak vest and Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the locals that you are there to help them.
- Demand each family member be limited to fifteen minutes per phone call. Enforce this with your teenage child.
- Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance
- Fire off fifty cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 0300. When startled neighbors appear, tell them it's okay - you're just registering mortars