God's Questionnaire

[JasperDog94]

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery


2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Yoweh
__ Jehova
__ Jesus
__ Alah
__ Satan
__ God
__ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
__________________________________________


4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes
__ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ Appolo
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ A burning cabbage
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Bill Clinton
__ Other: ________________


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Television
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Dianetics
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ ESP
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Lottery
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Ann Landers
__ Bill Clinton
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ None
__ Other: _______________


7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?


8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

B. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5


9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

[Wildcat81]

Originally posted by JasperDog94
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
_x_ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery


2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Yoweh
__ Jehova
__ Jesus
__ Alah
__ Satan
__ God
__ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
_x_ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:


4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Needed a life change

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes
_x_ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ Appolo
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ A burning cabbage
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Bill Clinton
__ Other: ________________


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Television
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Dianetics
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ ESP
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Lottery
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Ann Landers
__ Bill Clinton
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
_x_ None
__ Other: _______________


7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

(a.) More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?


8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 (5)
famine 1 2 3 4 (5)
earthquake 1 2 3 4 (5)
war 1 2 3 (4) 5
pestilence 1 2 (3) 4 5
plague (1) 2 3 4 5
SPAM (1) 2 3 4 5
AOL (1) 2 3 4 5

B. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 (5)
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 (5)
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 (5)
crying statues 1 2 3 4 (5)
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5


9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): Can not change something perfect.

[JasperDog94]

Originally posted by Wildcat81
Can not change something perfect.
True, but in our society most people want God to do things the way they think it should be done. Myself included at times. I just thought this was funny and would share it.

[Gilmer Buckeye]

I had a near-death experience on Nov. 9, 2003. If I had not already been a believer beforehand, that definitely would have made me into one.

I was walking along the side of a road. A lady driving a Chevrolet Suburban lost control of it, ran off the road and hit me head-on.

An eyewitness estimated she was going at least 40 mph. This was in Gilmer near the high school. I had walked about five miles on a Sunday afternoon and was about a mile from making it back home.

I had a couple of seconds to see and realize that this SUV was going to plow into me. I prayed in the next few moments only that God's will be done. I thanked Him for my life and for His mercy. I didn't specificallly asked that He spare my life. I remembered scripture saying "he who seeks to save his life will lose it" and so I just basically told God that I was okay with whatever was about to occur and would trust in Him. I am not a young man anymore, so I was thinking maybe I wouldn't even want to survive this considering that I would probably be a paraplegic or worse.

However, even as I was bouncing off the windshield of that SUV and especially after I landed in a ditch after flying about 80 feet through the air, I was taken to somewhere else besides this earth. I immediately felt a great sense of peace in my spirit letting me know that I was not only going to survive, but that I would make a full and complete miraculous recovery and was to be a witness of the power of God after He did heal me.

It's been six months and three weeks and I am fully recovered. In fact, I was more or less recovered by mid-December. I was able to walk on my own on Dec. 13, in spite of having broken my pelvis in three places. I also broke a number of ribs, both collarbones and had a collapsed lung. I had surgery on my right hand, which I had put up in front of my face to shield me as the grille approached. (I am left-handed, so it was an instinctive thing to sacrifice my weak hand like that.) I lay there in that ditch for over an hour before the helicopter got there. I had a couple of good Samaritans tending to me as we waited. I had extensive lacerations on my face, but no injuries to my head or neck otherwise, which is another miracle in itself.

I also got the clear message from whatever entity this was (it could have been an angel, I don't know, or even the Lord Himself) that it was not my time, but that the only thing that survives beyond this life is pure love. And I got the impression that during the rest of my days here I must better practice this kind of love. It seems like I saw a city with people in the distance and I knew that they had "made it" so to speak and were in Paradise.

It just confirmed everything I had ever read in the Bible. There really is an afterlife. In the days and weeks after this happened, I would just uncontrollably cry tears of joy, as much for the confirmation of my faith as for the fact I had survived. To God be the glory. May you all experience His love and mercy as I have, although I would hope you wouldn't have to go through this kind of ordeal. But if you do, keep the faith.

[JasperDog94]

Thanks for sharing that wonderful testimony! I got chills from reading it.

[Wildcat81]

that was an awsome story.