View Full Version : Joke for the day.....
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"........:crazy1::smoker:
panfan
01-21-2014, 08:42 AM
:fnypost: Good one!!!!
bobcat1
01-21-2014, 12:12 PM
Old one but still a good one.:clap:
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/800x600q90/10/h6fl.jpg (https://imageshack.com/i/0ah6flj)
:doh:
This one's just for 1st and Goal!....
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f*** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
an oldie but goodie!....
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
refereedoc
01-30-2014, 10:22 AM
Good one Camster! Bluck Bluck Bluck
Good one Camster! Bluck Bluck Bluck
It sure is isn't it Prof?.........and speakin' of roosters, my boy and I have been taking care of my neighbors animals.....cows, dogs, goats, chickens, etc......He's got the nastiest dang rooster I've ever encountered!......this is the second time that thing attacks me in the last year!......wouldn't let me get to the chickens with feed......I tried bluffin' him by charging him.....didn't work!...He charged me right back!.....I actually felt an adrenaline rush when I realized this was a serious altercation!.....that rooster was tryin' to kick my ass!!.......I was actually intimidated!.....thank goodness I had jeans on cause those talons are something else!....my neighbor might not find that rooster when he gets back!......:foul:
refereedoc
01-30-2014, 11:09 AM
It sure is isn't it Prof?.........and speakin' of roosters, my boy and I have been taking care of my neighbors animals.....cows, dogs, goats, chickens, etc......He's got the nastiest dang rooster I've ever encountered!......this is the second time that thing attacks me in the last year!......wouldn't let me get to the chickens with feed......I tried bluffin' him by charging him.....didn't work!...He charged me right back!.....I actually felt an adrenaline rush when I realized this was a serious altercation!.....that rooster was tryin' to kick my ass!!.......I was actually intimidated!.....thank goodness I had jeans on cause those talons are something else!....my neighbor might not find that rooster when he gets back!......:foul:
I grew up on a hog farm and we had chickens too. I had the same experience happen to me, but it hacked me off. Bad news for the rooster. I grabbed that sucker by the throat after he tattoed me about 3 times with his spurs and rung his freakin neck. Then, I fed him to the hogs. What great memories :)
I grew up on a hog farm and we had chickens too. I had the same experience happen to me, but it hacked me off. Bad news for the rooster. I grabbed that sucker by the throat after he tattoed me about 3 times with his spurs and rung his freakin neck. Then, I fed him to the hogs. What great memories :)
ref...you're scarin' me!.....violent tendencies perhaps??......:thinking:
refereedoc
01-30-2014, 12:32 PM
If a fella can loaf a 250 lb. Hog in a truck when he doesn't want to go a rooster giving a few taps on the leg is just a piece of paper hitting you. Actually I am just about 160 lbs and thin but the old adrenaline gets flowing and out comes the hulk. Lol
Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
refereedoc
01-30-2014, 01:22 PM
Load not loaf
Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
Load not loaf
Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
you had me scratchin' my head on that one....I was wonderin' if "loafin" a hog in a truck was something I really don't want to know about!!.....
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
HOW TO START A FIGHT...although some of us don't need assistance
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching who "Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' "No," she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=571510316268550
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.  Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.  The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
A man walks into a bar with an octopus...
...he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have." The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartender to pay up. "Hold on" says the bartender and hands over a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up. "Just a minute, I think I've got something else here." The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar. The octopus moves around it, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, "what's wrong? Can't you play it?" The octopus says, "play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!"
A pirate walks into a bar....
He has a ship's wheel right on his crotch. The bartender asks:
"What's the wheel for?"
The pirate reply's:
"ARRRRRGH, It's drivin' me nuts!"........:doh:
two guys were chatting in a bar.....
They talk about their families, work, sports, and then they get onto the topic of hobbies.
The first guy says, "For a hobby I study spiders. I love spiders, I read about them, collect them, breed them"
"Well I'm not so sure that's a great hobby" says the second.
"You'd be surprised, they are fascinating, You can even train them"
"No way! You cannot train a spider" says the second....
"You can, watch this" says the first, as he reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a match box, opens it and places a spider on the bar. "Watch this", turning to the spider he commands "Spider walk" and the spider starts to walk down the bar.
"Spider Stop" and the spider stops.
"Spider return" and the spider returns.
"Well that's amazing" says the second guy
"You have not seen the best bit yet" says the first, and picking up the spider he pulls all it's legs off and then places it back on the bar.
"Spider Walk" says the guy, but the spider stays still
"Spider Walk" the guy shouts, yet the spider still doesn't move
"SPIDER WALK" he screams, but the spider remains motionless
He turns to he companion and says, "For 25 years I have been studying spiders, and I am convinced when you pull their legs off they go deaf!"
thatdude
02-13-2014, 09:39 AM
two guys were chatting in a bar.....
They talk about their families, work, sports, and then they get onto the topic of hobbies.
The first guy says, "For a hobby I study spiders. I love spiders, I read about them, collect them, breed them"
"Well I'm not so sure that's a great hobby" says the second.
"You'd be surprised, they are fascinating, You can even train them"
"No way! You cannot train a spider" says the second....
"You can, watch this" says the first, as he reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a match box, opens it and places a spider on the bar. "Watch this", turning to the spider he commands "Spider walk" and the spider starts to walk down the bar.
"Spider Stop" and the spider stops.
"Spider return" and the spider returns.
"Well that's amazing" says the second guy
"You have not seen the best bit yet" says the first, and picking up the spider he pulls all it's legs off and then places it back on the bar.
"Spider Walk" says the guy, but the spider stays still
"Spider Walk" the guy shouts, yet the spider still doesn't move
"SPIDER WALK" he screams, but the spider remains motionless
He turns to he companion and says, "For 25 years I have been studying spiders, and I am convinced when you pull their legs off they go deaf!"
Haha keep em comin.. I always crack up readin em
One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, "What do you have there boy?" The boy says, "I got me some chicken wire, I'm going to catch me some chickens!" "I don't think it works that way, son." said the old man and the boy continued on. Sure enough a few hours later the boy walks by with a bunch of chickens attached to the chicken wire. The old man finds this quite baffling, but lets the boy continue on. The next day the old man sees the boy walking by again carrying a roll of duct tape. "What do you have there boy?" asked the old man. "I got me some duct tape, I am going to go catch me some ducks." Replied the boy. "I don't think it works that way." said the old man. The boy continued on and sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a bunch of ducks attached to his roll of duct tape and once again the old man is baffled by this. The next day the boy walks by again with a long rod and fuzzy thing at the end. "What do you have there boy?" asked the old man. "I got me a pussy willow." replied the boy. The old man looks at the boy and says, "Wait right there, let me go get my hat."
A lady was walking to work and passed a pet shop when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" This made the lady very angry, but she ignored the parrot and continued on her way.
On her way home from work later that day, she passed by the pet shop again, and yet again the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store to talk to the manager, threatening to go to the police.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot never said that again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the pet shop to see if the manager had kept his promise. "Hey, lady!" the parrot said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A guy woke up with 3 balls one morning, so he went to see the doctor. But then he was too embarrassed to tell the doctor directly so he was like "hey doctor, me and you together, we have 5 balls." and the doctor was like... "WHAT?! you have 4 BALLS?!"
Eventually, the guy manages to explain to his doctor what the problem is. The doc takes a look, and explains it's not a testicle, but a tumor. The guy will have to be put under for a biopsy.
After the procedure, he comes to in recovery with a nurse by his side. Oxygen mask on, he looks at her and asks "Nurse, are my testicles black?" She's familiar with his situation, and figures this is a reasonable concern. So, trying to be professional, she lifts his gown, moves his pecker out of the way and thoroughly examines his scrotal sac. Finishing, she replaces his gown and says "Sir, you'll be happy to know your testes are fine...no discoloration at all!" The guy removes his mask and says "That's good to know, but what I asked you was - 'Are my test results back?'".......:doh:
Tejastrue
02-14-2014, 09:50 PM
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Tejastrue
02-14-2014, 09:52 PM
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
defense51
02-15-2014, 01:50 AM
HOW TO START A FIGHT...although some of us don't need assistance
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching who "Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' "No," she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
On our first anniversary, my wife asked me to take her somewhere she'd never been before. I took her to the kitchen...
That's how the fight started
A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap ?.."
defense51
02-17-2014, 05:34 PM
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you." The screwdriver looks puzzled and says "you have a drink name Murray?"
defense51
02-17-2014, 05:38 PM
What do you call a Bohemian that gets thrown out of a bar?
A bounced Czech...
Laurel & Hardy dancin' to ZZ Top!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLRD6gfZlhc
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."......:doh:
panfan
02-19-2014, 10:39 AM
Wyoming Sheep Joke - theres a bunch o sheep in Wyoming
Couple old timers and a young feller were out tended their sheep in the big wyoming grasslands. Sitting around the fire that night, the young feller asked the old timers, Hey, what do ya'll do when ya'll get lonely out here. One of the old timers, grinned and said, ya see all that sheep out there, we just go grab one. The young feller replied, Ohhh.... Man I just don't think I could do that. A couple of weeks pass, the guys are sittin around the fire and the young feller asks again. What do ya'll dow when you get lonely out here. One of the old timers just pointed this time, out to the flock. The young feller stood up, and said, oh what the hell, and headed out to the flock. a bit later, the young feller comes trottin back into the camp, and the old timers are busting a gut. He said WHAT!!! One of em pipes up.. Out of all them sheep, you went and picked the ugliest one.!
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just crapped my pants."
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant!.....:doh:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever beeches.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these assh*les. They have come to steal your land."
People over 34 should be dead!: Here's why:
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ...and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-! Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends!
We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents.
No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, ! Nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovationand new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success! And responsibility,and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before anyone including the government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!
People under 34 are WIMPS !
coach
02-26-2014, 02:01 PM
People over 34 should be dead!: Here's why:
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ...and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-! Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends!
We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents.
No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, ! Nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovationand new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success! And responsibility,and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before anyone including the government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!
People under 34 are WIMPS !
That sucks if you are 33
A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him:
"Do you wanna drink?"
And the man replies with:
"Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night i was blowing Chunks all night!"
And the bartender says:
"Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk."
Then the man says:
"No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks."...........:doh:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
"What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."
"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it"
"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."
coach
02-27-2014, 02:07 PM
Obama is the 5th rated president in our history.
From a total of 44 us Presidents, Obama rated 5th best president ever.
The Democratic publicity release said, " After a little more than 5 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."
The details according to the White House Publicist:
Reagan and Lincoln tied for 1st.
23 presidents tied for 2nd
17 others tied for 3rd
Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
Obama came in 5th
BB BULLS
02-27-2014, 02:10 PM
Obama is the 5th rated president in our history.
From a total of 44 us Presidents, Obama rated 5th best president ever.
The Democratic publicity release said, " After a little more than 5 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."
The details according to the White House Publicist:
Reagan and Lincoln tied for 1st.
23 presidents tied for 2nd
17 others tied for 3rd
Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
Obama came in 5th
ok coach this is the best one yet. Cam you need to bring on the good stuff
ok coach this is the best one yet. Cam you need to bring on the good stuff
if I really brought in the "good stuff".....I'd be banned from the Low for life!......but keep em' coming fellas!.....
D'Highlander
02-27-2014, 03:00 PM
Jerry Jones is a good GM.
BB BULLS
02-27-2014, 03:21 PM
Jerry Jones is a good GM.
now that is a very good one also
BB BULLS
02-27-2014, 03:41 PM
Boudreaux & Thibdeaux going fishing so they stop at bait store to get bait Boudreaux goes inside
Boudreaux: store keeper i need bait.
while he waits on his bait he is looking around look up and spots something on the topshelf
Boudreax: store keeper whats dat shinny ting up dar on the top shelf
Store keeper: dat a thermos Boudreax
Boudreax: what dat thermos do
Store keeper: dat thing keeps cold tings cold and hot tings hot
Boudreaux: oh i got have dat ting
so he gets thermos and he is gone. now they out on the lake fishing
Thibdeaux: what dat shinny ting you got dar Boudreaux
Boudreaux: well you dummy dat's a thermos
Thibdeaux: well what does dat thermos do
Boudreaux: man that dat ting keeps hot tings hot & cold tings cold
Thibdeaux: well what you got in dat thermos
Boudreaux: well got to cups coffee and two popsciles
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Jerry Jones is a good GM.
....did you just make that one up??.....
Farmersfan
03-06-2014, 04:41 PM
Here is how I learned to mind my own business. I was walking past a large privacy fence when I heard a bunch of people on the other side chanting "13, 13, 13, 13".... My curiousity got the best of me so I found a knot hole in the fence to see what was going on. When I put my eye up to the fence someone poked me in my eye. the chant changed to "14, 14, 14, 14".......
A old man was stopped by a cop at 2am. The cop asked the man what he was doing out so late and the man said he was going to a lecture on drunk driving, illegal drugs and the wear and tear on a body from staying out late a partying. the cop kind of frowned and asked "who would be giving a lecture like that at 2am"? The old man said: "My wife"!
There is a new trend going on at the office these days! People are starting to put names on food in the company refrigerator. Just today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin!
refereedoc
03-07-2014, 11:05 AM
Obama is the 5th rated president in our history.
From a total of 44 us Presidents, Obama rated 5th best president ever.
The Democratic publicity release said, " After a little more than 5 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."
The details according to the White House Publicist:
Reagan and Lincoln tied for 1st.
23 presidents tied for 2nd
17 others tied for 3rd
Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
Obama came in 5th
:fnypost:
defense51
03-13-2014, 01:58 AM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
panfan
03-13-2014, 09:44 AM
An old fisherman is in the grocery store, picking up something for dinner. His wife Martha had recently passed away. On top of all this, he had recently decommissioned and scrapped his beloved fishing boat (also Martha). An old lady acquaintance approaches him and says, “I’m so sorry to hear about Martha, did she go to rest quietly.” The old fisherman replied in his crusty fisherman voice, ”O thanks, she was a hell of a gal. Nope, she went down making all kinds of noises, the rusty old bucket. Road her hard and put her up wet many a night”. The old lady gasped. He continued, “But in the end, she just couldn’t keep up no more, her bottom was rotten, smelled like fish, and I had to put her down and let her go.” The lady fainted. A crowd gathered, and the old fisherman says, “Don’t know what happened, one minute I’m telling her about my old trusty Martha and next minute she’s on the floor.”
BLOND MAN JOKE!
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
An old fisherman is in the grocery store, picking up something for dinner. His wife Martha had recently passed away. On top of all this, he had recently decommissioned and scrapped his beloved fishing boat (also Martha). An old lady acquaintance approaches him and says, “I’m so sorry to hear about Martha, did she go to rest quietly.” The old fisherman replied in his crusty fisherman voice, ”O thanks, she was a hell of a gal. Nope, she went down making all kinds of noises, the rusty old bucket. Road her hard and put her up wet many a night”. The old lady gasped. He continued, “But in the end, she just couldn’t keep up no more, her bottom was rotten, smelled like fish, and I had to put her down and let her go.” The lady fainted. A crowd gathered, and the old fisherman says, “Don’t know what happened, one minute I’m telling her about my old trusty Martha and next minute she’s on the floor.”
my grandma once told me that same joke!....crazy ol' woman!.....
A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.
He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'"........
:doh:
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/ssss.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/ssss.jpg.html)
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/sarge.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/sarge.jpg.html)
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."................:doh:
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
YA'LL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! I'M OFF TO CANYON LAKE FOR TRACK MEET.......
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/fog.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/fog.jpg.html)
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/bug.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/bug.jpg.html)
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"
Most of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up.
"Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?"
Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been *intimate* with a ghost?"
One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?"
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought you said goat!"
Redneck vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.
Q: What's the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
A: Two test tickles.
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"
The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"
Q: Why do Scottish people wear kilts?
A: Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/dog.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/dog.jpg.html)
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/funny-cartoon-pictures-10.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/funny-cartoon-pictures-10.jpg.html)
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/paris.jpeg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/paris.jpeg.html)
If ya ever catch one of Nina Conti's shows, avoid the front row unless you enjoy the spotlight! She'll take your arse up on stage!....Here she is doing her ventriloquist act on two folks she picked out of the crowd...Hilarious!....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADGMYpUa6I
coach
04-30-2014, 09:16 AM
Come on Cam, we need some more jokes!
Come on Cam, we need some more jokes!
well heck coach.....I keep waitin' for you guys to humor me!!....Ya'll so quiet!....
THE SOUTH:
Florida:
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out
of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
THE SOUTH...AGAIN:
Georgia –
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana –
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi -
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina –
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee –
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas –
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North........:2thumbsup
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the dang ship?"
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."
One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
DIAPERS
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs," "Huggies," and "Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called "Depends." Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies mess in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em andPamper 'em. When old people mess in their pants, what happens next "Depends" on who's in the will.
Glad I was able to get that straightened out for you.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?" Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."
regaleagle
05-18-2014, 08:44 PM
Now that one is funny, hahaha. I'm still chuckling as I write,hahaha.
A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."
The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Phantom Stang
05-21-2014, 02:20 PM
From David Letterman's trombone player......
Did you hear about the man who was caught having sex with an ATM machine? He came into some money.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, "Sonny, I'm too old to fight. Just follow me around, and I'll show you the place." The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house...then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.
All of a sudden, there came a loud "Bang!" and there stood the farmer, muttering "Dangit, that's the third gay rooster I've had to kill this month."
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
I saw her standing there and I told her she had three beautiful children. She didn't have to get all angry and threaten me with Islamic Jihad.....geez.....I feel like such an infidel......:bigcry:
It was an honest mistake!!!......:doh:
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/image001.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/image001.jpg.html)
....this is all Greendawg's fault!.....
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
...too funny!...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG2dV2Z9OeI
http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j347/burnet2/dog.jpg (http://s1081.photobucket.com/user/burnet2/media/dog.jpg.html)
:spitlol:
CLASSIC!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk92O0SEjXc
....and more bathroom humor...I'm thinkin' of gettin' me one of these!!....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPAWeckn38
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