Some weekend humor

[Farmersfan]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Low and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test.

The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car

[Farmersfan]

REASONS IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* Movie nudity is virtually always female.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* Monday Night Football.
* You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
* Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
* Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
* When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* All your orgasms are real.
* A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
* Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
* You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
* You understand why Stripes is funny.
* You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
* Your last name stays put.
* You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
* When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
* You can kill your own food.
* The garage is all yours.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* You never have to clean the toilet.
* You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
* The National College Cheerleading Championship
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
* You can write your name in the snow.
* You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers fix everything.
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
* You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
* You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* Foreplay is optional.
* Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
* Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
* You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
* You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
* You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
* The world is your urinal.
* You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
* You get to jump up and slap stuff.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* One mood, all the time.
* You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
* You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
* You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
* Same work....more pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
* With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
* You don't mooch off others' desserts.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* The remote is yours and yours alone.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* ESPN's sports center.
* You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
* Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
* You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
* You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
* You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
* If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
* You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
* If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
* Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
* You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

[Farmersfan]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? ***
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but
the benefits....
Sincerely,
The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely,
Joseph

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely,
Waldo

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care
benefits.
Sincerely,
Canadians

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, > Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
*** are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells
you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti ,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours
Sincerely,
Gay Men Of America

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,

Sarah Palin