Rhoids!

[Cam]

I know this is a touchy subject...but has anybody had issues with hemorrhoids?.....my arse has been kinda hurtin' lately and I don't know why!....At first I thought it was the last time my wife literally "kicked" me out of the house!....but that's been over 3 weeks ago!.....guess I better get to a doctor cause I'll bet not a single one of you will post on this thread!! :spitlol:......yeah sure, your arses are perfect....no problems whatsoever!....the perfect rectumbilious!!...

.....which reminds me.....shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid instead?.......:crazy1:


is it football season yet?

....don't touch that finger!....you don't know where it's been!.....but I'll bet I know where my doctor's finger is going real soon!.......I can't wait!

[44INAROW]

not sure why there weren't any replies Cam - cause I know there are some a$$es on here for sure ;):evillol:

"which reminds me.....shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid instead?....... "

I've wondered this for many years......

[Tejastrue]

.....which reminds me.....shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid instead?.......:crazy1:



Should be. Don't they form around ur-anus

[Cam]

not sure why there weren't any replies Cam - cause I know there are some a$$es on here for sure ;):evillol:

"which reminds me.....shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid instead?....... "

I've wondered this for many years......

....finally!....someone with some guts!!...:clap:

[BEAST]

I also feel the term "Hemorrhoid" is sexest. What happens when a female has them? Why arent they call "Herorrhoids"? Is this insinuating that a male caused her to have them?




BEAST

[Cam]

Should be. Don't they form around ur-anus

.....I don't rightly know where they form....but I'll bet the doctor will tell-a-scope to go up my a$$ and find out!......"get up in there dammit....gosh darnit Cam, can you loosen up a bit?!.....and please stop grindin' your teeth!"

[Tejastrue]

This could get serious if the doc decides to really explore but before it gets to that just try some 'Tucks'.

http://ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4515459076785074&pid=15.1

[defense51]

I couldn't resist so here it goes:

Q. What is Uranus' favorite video game?
A. Call of dooty...

Q. What do you think of Uranus as a (w)hole?
A. I think it needs to be wiped out

[Tejastrue]

Okay defense51..now you started it...



What does the Enterprise and Toliet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.


Thanks to scientist, Ben Dover for his discovery, we can all look up at URANUS now..


Oh yeah, this just in..there's a crack in Uranus.

[Cam]

....Such vulgarity!.....I am deeply appalled!.......

and tejastrue.....not only is there a crack in Uranus....that's a mighty deep crater too!....:doh:

[Cam]

The sensors on the Mars rover, Curiosity, have detected some pretty foul methane odors on the surface of the planet, but according to scientists at NASA, it's not as bad as URANUS!.............:crazy1:

[refereedoc]

:1omg!:Have you ever considered stand up comedy? You make me pee my pants laughing every day!

[Cam]

I also feel the term "Hemorrhoid" is sexest. What happens when a female has them? Why arent they call "Herorrhoids"? Is this insinuating that a male caused her to have them?




BEAST

.....Herorrhoids???....first off, there's just too many "r's" in there....I tried to pronounce it and my tongue cramped up!.....secondly, you and I both know women don't get these things unless of course, they claim them by pregnancy...which answers your last question with a "YES"!.............and even then, if a woman has herrrrorrhoids, she'll only admit to them as larger than normal sweat pimples!....:ack!:.......who started this ridiculous thread anyway?......oh wait, that would be me.....but I was tryin' to be serious and ya'll just messed it up!....dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a.....(Star Trek)

[BEAST]

.....Herorrhoids???....first off, there's just too many "r's" in there....I tried to pronounce it and my tongue cramped up!.....secondly, you and I both know women don't get these things unless of course, they claim them by pregnancy...which answers your last question with a "YES"!.............and even then, if a woman has herrrrorrhoids, she'll only admit to them as larger than normal sweat pimples!....:ack!:.......who started this ridiculous thread anyway?......oh wait, that would be me.....but I was tryin' to be serious and ya'll just messed it up!....dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a.....(Star Trek)

Last question on the herrrrorrhoids, do you roll the "r" like its a spanish word?




BEAST

[Cam]

:1omg!:Have you ever considered stand up comedy? You make me pee my pants laughing every day!

Well refereedoc, actually no......Couple of reasons:
1) I'm too lazy to stand up....hence the possibility I might have roids sittin' on my arse all day and the reason for this thread!
2) I'm way too shy and boring...
3) I mumble when I speak...just ask Greendawg!
4) ....and my wife doesn't find me humorous....now that beach.....that beach is crazy!!....

:thinking:.....peed your pants huh??....have you considered gettin' that checked?........

3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.

Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

3rd Grader: Really?


:crazy1:

[Tejastrue]

:1omg!:Have you ever considered stand up comedy? You make me pee my pants laughing every day!

Considering the title of this thread, my guess is he's standing up more often these days.

[Cam]

Last question on the herrrrorrhoids, do you roll the "r" like its a spanish word?




BEAST

.....no, it's just easier to go ahead and say it in Spanish: "almoranas" ........it is a little known fact that Pancho Villa suffered from these things immensely......which is why he was so pissed by the time he got to his raids!.......He shot his horse once for trottin' too hard!.....His middle name was "Al" for almoranas!........Pancho "Al" Villa........quite the character indeed.....

[bobcat1]

You know it's bad when your hemorrhoids look like a stringer of dead crappie.

[defense51]

Here's your cure Cam! 597

[greendawg84]

Well refereedoc, actually no......Couple of reasons:
1) I'm too lazy to stand up....hence the possibility I might have roids sittin' on my arse all day and the reason for this thread!
2) I'm way too shy and boring...
3) I mumble when I speak...just ask Greendawg!
4) ....and my wife doesn't find me humorous....now that beach.....that beach is crazy!!....

:thinking:.....peed your pants huh??....have you considered gettin' that checked?........

3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.

Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

3rd Grader: Really?


:crazy1:

He does mumble when he talks , but man can he roll them rrrrr's ! :evillol:

[Cam]

You know it's bad when your hemorrhoids look like a stringer of dead crappie.

:eek:.....another bobcat1 Downlow visual.......

[Cam]

Here's your cure Cam! 597

uhh....maybe I'll stick to my Preparation H!....Hey Greendawg, ya think ya can help me insert a suppository?....My wife won't do it and my fingers are all full of toxic ink drawn little faces!.......

[greendawg84]

uhh....maybe I'll stick to my Preparation H!....Hey Greendawg, ya think ya can help me insert a suppository?....My wife won't do it and my fingers are all full of toxic ink drawn little faces!.......


Ummmmm , no thanks count me out on that ! Maybe panfan will help you with that ????

OK boys your on your own , I am gone on vacation to the Frio !

[FB-fanatic]

To go along with my Barnes and Noble story, mayor Rhoids flare up 5 years ago, at 45, a few days before being told i needed to take a trip to France... 8 hours on a plane, one way...major 'ouch'! Plus miserable the whole time in Europe. Came home, went to doc. Now, why does everyone else's stories end with 'they snipped them and never had trouble again'. Not me. No more beer, almonds, hot sauce, kraut, beans, or anything else fun. I have learned though, while at the butt doctor, to never complain about anything, no matter how curious. Because when you ask, i have discovered that always leads to a probe... let me describe it like this: you know mechanics have that tool, when they drop something, they press a button and 4 wire prongs jut out to pick it up... that is 'the probe'. "No doc, things are great!"

[Cam]

To go along with my Barnes and Noble story, mayor Rhoids flare up 5 years ago, at 45, a few days before being told i needed to take a trip to France... 8 hours on a plane, one way...major 'ouch'! Plus miserable the whole time in Europe. Came home, went to doc. Now, why does everyone else's stories end with 'they snipped them and never had trouble again'. Not me. No more beer, almonds, hot sauce, kraut, beans, or anything else fun. I have learned though, while at the butt doctor, to never complain about anything, no matter how curious. Because when you ask, i have discovered that always leads to a probe... let me describe it like this: you know mechanics have that tool, when they drop something, they press a button and 4 wire prongs jut out to pick it up... that is 'the probe'. "No doc, things are great!"

Finally, someone who admits that the planet Uranus has given him troubles!!....For that, I give the courage award to FB-fanatic!......I'm curious, how come almonds are a no-no?.....Dang, I buy cans of those things!!

which reminds of some more Pancho Villa history......Pancho "Al" Villa had 4 major hemorrhoids. At first he actually enjoyed the itch they provided him and he spent countless hours scratchin' em'...Historians say he let his left index fingernail grow to abnormal lengths just so he could have a scratchin' tool.....but that came at the expense of him not being able to play his guitar...that C chord became impossible!:doh:..so he gave up the guitar and became an accomplished trumpet player instead.....anyways, Pancho gave all his rhoids names. He had 2 on the left side, Pancho Jr. and little Carlos, one that went right down the middle, he called that one little Armando. And the rhoid on the right that he gave a special name, Krause (which ironically means "curly haired" and giving a possible clue about Krause's horrible living conditions). Historians believe Pancho blamed a half-Swedish half-German fellow named Sven Vonhausenschmidt for forcefully developing little Krause. The story goes Pancho met Sven at the local 24 Hour Fitness Center in Dilley, TX. From there they took their friendship to the local cantina where they over-indulged on tequila and the house specialty, giant stuffed jalapenos! According to the townspeople, Pancho was rescued the next morning in a hotel room after employees heard his screams. He was found tied down to the bed face first!......Pancho spent the rest of his life pursuing Sven with guns a-loaded, but he went to his grave never seeing him again!...However, that never stopped Pancho from lovin' and itchin' his illegitimate rhoid, Krause....and that's what I was learned in college!.....:evillol:

[refereedoc]

Finally, someone who admits that the planet Uranus has given him troubles!!....For that, I give the courage award to FB-fanatic!......I'm curious, how come almonds are a no-no?.....Dang, I buy cans of those things!!

which reminds of some more Pancho Villa history......Pancho "Al" Villa had 4 major hemorrhoids. At first he actually enjoyed the itch they provided him and he spent countless hours scratchin' em'...Historians say he let his left index fingernail grow to abnormal lengths just so he could have a scratchin' tool.....but that came at the expense of him not being able to play his guitar...that C chord became impossible!:doh:..so he gave up the guitar and became an accomplished trumpet player instead.....anyways, Pancho gave all his rhoids names. He had 2 on the left side, Pancho Jr. and little Carlos, one that went right down the middle, he called that one little Armando. And the rhoid on the right that he gave a special name, Krause (which ironically means "curly haired" and giving a possible clue about Krause's horrible living conditions). Historians believe Pancho blamed a half-Swedish half-German fellow named Sven Vonhausenschmidt for forcefully developing little Krause. The story goes Pancho met Sven at the local 24 Hour Fitness Center in Dilley, TX. From there they took their friendship to the local cantina where they over-indulged on tequila and the house specialty, giant stuffed jalapenos! According to the townspeople, Pancho was rescued the next morning in a hotel room after employees heard his screams. He was found tied down to the bed face first!......Pancho spent the rest of his life pursuing Sven with guns a-loaded, but he went to his grave never seeing him again!...However, that never stopped Pancho from lovin' and itchin' his illegitimate rhoid, Krause....and that's what I was learned in college!.....:evillol:

In the words of Ronald Reagan, "There you go again". LOL LOL LOL

[bobcat1]

Finally, someone who admits that the planet Uranus has given him troubles!!....For that, I give the courage award to FB-fanatic!......I'm curious, how come almonds are a no-no?.....Dang, I buy cans of those things!!

which reminds of some more Pancho Villa history......Pancho "Al" Villa had 4 major hemorrhoids. At first he actually enjoyed the itch they provided him and he spent countless hours scratchin' em'...Historians say he let his left index fingernail grow to abnormal lengths just so he could have a scratchin' tool.....but that came at the expense of him not being able to play his guitar...that C chord became impossible!:doh:..so he gave up the guitar and became an accomplished trumpet player instead.....anyways, Pancho gave all his rhoids names. He had 2 on the left side, Pancho Jr. and little Carlos, one that went right down the middle, he called that one little Armando. And the rhoid on the right that he gave a special name, Krause (which ironically means "curly haired" and giving a possible clue about Krause's horrible living conditions). Historians believe Pancho blamed a half-Swedish half-German fellow named Sven Vonhausenschmidt for forcefully developing little Krause. The story goes Pancho met Sven at the local 24 Hour Fitness Center in Dilley, TX. From there they took their friendship to the local cantina where they over-indulged on tequila and the house specialty, giant stuffed jalapenos! According to the townspeople, Pancho was rescued the next morning in a hotel room after employees heard his screams. He was found tied down to the bed face first!......Pancho spent the rest of his life pursuing Sven with guns a-loaded, but he went to his grave never seeing him again!...However, that never stopped Pancho from lovin' and itchin' his illegitimate rhoid, Krause....and that's what I was learned in college!.....:evillol:

Now that right there is funny. Poor Poor Pancho.

[BEAST]

Viva la Krause




BEAST

[Cam]

Well....here's this thread again!.....it's been a few weeks and all I gots to say is them Preparation H suppositories don't work!.....Plus, they taste terrible!...........Then my wife caught this subtle error on my part and corrected it!.....They still don't work!.....Woke up in the morning and found the waxy thing stuck to the wall bout 3 feet away!..........:doh:

[Tejastrue]

I never know when to take you serious but if this is a real issue would suggest Anurex. It is a suggested remedy in the book 'Prescriptions for Natural Healing' by James Balch. It's basically applying ice to your arse. lol.. it works. Also if you sit in a chair all day at work would suggest switching to a different style. Something with a little more cush to the tush.

[refereedoc]

Well....here's this thread again!.....it's been a few weeks and all I gots to say is them Preparation H suppositories don't work!.....Plus, they taste terrible!...........Then my wife caught this subtle error on my part and corrected it!.....They still don't work!.....Woke up in the morning and found the waxy thing stuck to the wall bout 3 feet away!..........:doh:
OMG what a visual! When my son was little we swore we could throw his underwear on the wall and they would stick, but suppositories WOW!

[Cam]

I never know when to take you serious but if this is a real issue would suggest Anurex. It is a suggested remedy in the book 'Prescriptions for Natural Healing' by James Balch. It's basically applying ice to your arse. lol.. it works. Also if you sit in a chair all day at work would suggest switching to a different style. Something with a little more cush to the tush.

Well Tejastrue, as far as I know, I got no rhoids......but I do have some sort of pain going on in my lower gut, so I'll be seeing my doc tomorrow to check it out......I'll probably get the ol' finger trick by my lovely female MD.....I may just start gyrating back and forth just to embarrass her!!........Thanks for the ice advice...may try it anyway just out of curiosity!:eek:.....Good point about the chair thing...two of us here at work just ordered some stand up desks along with some nice foot pads.....that way, we're not always sittin' all day.....Sitting too much is bad for the ol' prostrate..or so I hear......

[panfan]

Well....here's this thread again!.....it's been a few weeks and all I gots to say is them Preparation H suppositories don't work!.....Plus, they taste terrible!...........Then my wife caught this subtle error on my part and corrected it!.....They still don't work!.....Woke up in the morning and found the waxy thing stuck to the wall bout 3 feet away!..........:doh:

sounds like an ass ter roid - you know they go shooting by and don't know where they will land.

[Cam]

Well.....I just got violated by my doc this mornin'!......as I waited patiently in the doctor's room I got nervous and started playing with them black ear probe covers....had two of em' up my nostrils when the cute young nurse walked in!.....I told her it prevented me from sneezin' and something I had discovered about 10 years ago.....I don't think she believed me....Anyway, she took my vitals and walked out....I think my blood pressure went up just a tad when I noticed they only had XXL gloves on the wall!.....So when my lady doc walked in I immediately asked her if those gloves were for her hubby (who is also a doctor there)......Of course, she didn't answer me.....As she was looking at my records I kept tryin' to size up her middle finger in anticipation of what was to come!....When she first asked me what was hurting, I said I had a headache..but then I fessed up and told her I had a pain "down there".......So, I had to drop my drawers. She complimented me on my Sponge Bob boxers......and she asked me to lay down on my right side facing the wall and to bend my left leg up.......then the cute nurse walked in to witness....guess that's standard procedure ever since Greendawg created a ruckus with his doctor about 20 years ago when he accused the doctor of pulling one of his grey ass hairs out! Greendawg sued....but lost the case nevertheless.....I asked the doc if the nurse was there just to film the procedure for some low budget porn video production....again, doc didn't answer....anyway, her middle digit went in bout nails length and I thought to myself, "Hey, this isn't so bad"....
That's about when the rest of her digit went in and about the time I chipped a tooth!......As she rotated to probe, I started yodeling kinda like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmLF_biLf0k

Anyway, I checked out OK for the most part..got one small internal rhoid about 8 inches in...that's right! 8 inches!....her finger was that long!...least it felt that way!.....Got some sort of steroid med to get rid of it.....which is totally confusing to me....Wouldn't a steroid on your hemorrhoid make it bigger in your asteroid?.....Medicine these days I tell ya..........So, left the office and went over to my wife's workplace to switch cars but I forgot to go to the bathroom and remove the rest of the KY off me......so every slippery step I took made me lose my balance.....bout dislocated my hip!!..
Bottom line folks: Don't ignore symptoms and see your doc!.......And I must admit, I got a little bit of a crush on my doctor now!......:blush:

[D'Highlander]

:spitlol: Thanks for sharing! :fnypost:

[BEAST]

Well.....I just got violated by my doc this mornin'!......as I waited patiently in the doctor's room I got nervous and started playing with them black ear probe covers....had two of em' up my nostrils when the cute young nurse walked in!.....I told her it prevented me from sneezin' and something I had discovered about 10 years ago.....I don't think she believed me....Anyway, she took my vitals and walked out....I think my blood pressure went up just a tad when I noticed they only had XXL gloves on the wall!.....So when my lady doc walked in I immediately asked her if those gloves were for her hubby (who is also a doctor there)......Of course, she didn't answer me.....As she was looking at my records I kept tryin' to size up her middle finger in anticipation of what was to come!....When she first asked me what was hurting, I said I had a headache..but then I fessed up and told her I had a pain "down there".......So, I had to drop my drawers. She complimented me on my Sponge Bob boxers......and she asked me to lay down on my right side facing the wall and to bend my left leg up.......then the cute nurse walked in to witness....guess that's standard procedure ever since Greendawg created a ruckus with his doctor about 20 years ago when he accused the doctor of pulling one of his grey ass hairs out! Greendawg sued....but lost the case nevertheless.....I asked the doc if the nurse was there just to film the procedure for some low budget porn video production....again, doc didn't answer....anyway, her middle digit went in bout nails length and I thought to myself, "Hey, this isn't so bad"....
That's about when the rest of her digit went in and about the time I chipped a tooth!......As she rotated to probe, I started yodeling kinda like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmLF_biLf0k

Anyway, I checked out OK for the most part..got one small internal rhoid about 8 inches in...that's right! 8 inches!....her finger was that long!...least it felt that way!.....Got some sort of steroid med to get rid of it.....which is totally confusing to me....Wouldn't a steroid on your hemorrhoid make it bigger in your asteroid?.....Medicine these days I tell ya..........So, left the office and went over to my wife's workplace to switch cars but I forgot to go to the bathroom and remove the rest of the KY off me......so every slippery step I took made me lose my balance.....bout dislocated my hip!!..
Bottom line folks: Don't ignore symptoms and see your doc!.......And I must admit, I got a little bit of a crush on my doctor now!......:blush:



:fnypost:

Thats the funniest post of the year.




BEAST

[refereedoc]

I believe your may have missed the best procedure with Dr. Lou.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1go72c5H8

[defense51]

Congrats on taking your relationship with your doctor to the next level! :evilgrin:

[Cam]

:spitlol: Thanks for sharing! :fnypost:

.....no problem!.....

[Cam]

:fnypost:

Thats the funniest post of the year.




BEAST

..until tomorrow!.....:D

[Cam]

I believe your may have missed the best procedure with Dr. Lou.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1go72c5H8

oh man I had forgotten about that skit!.....

[Cam]

Congrats on taking your relationship with your doctor to the next level! :evilgrin:

......all I know is her husband is a lucky man...and so is his ass!!...:eek:..