Write the next line

[3afan]

Some guy on allsports.com did this and it got alot of replies just write the next line.

"Once upon a time, there was a man who won 315 million dollars. He was absolutely in shock, when he was handed his check...."

[bearcat1]

......wondered if it was possible to purchase the UIL with this amount of money, and thus control the fate of HS Football. So he headed straight for....


3afan:
Some guy on allsports.com did this and it got alot of replies just write the next line.

"Once upon a time, there was a man who won 315 million dollars. He was absolutely in shock, when he was handed his check...."

[wildstangs]

Austin Texas and looked up a Dr. Charles Brieuthapt....

[russ31]

who promptly created a sham contract, took the money, and left for Mexico with two fly senoritas...

[bearcat1]

Now able to do whatever he wanted with HS football, his mission began. He immediately reached for the file labeled.....

[PPHSfan]

...."Sanctions against schools with Lippy Fans on Message Boards", and took out his pencil......

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

PPHSfan:
...."Sanctions against schools with Lippy Fans on Message Boards", and took out his pencil...........to stab him in the eye and tell him to get the heck out of his office because he was.......

[jason]

from crandall texas and folks like them arent wanted in these here parts.

[sinton66]

because they are all mentally unstable and....

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

....are known to be vicious towards others because some idiot came into town and.......

[jason]

should all be put out with traquilizer darts and...

[PPHSfan]

.....forced to move south and work out next season as Presidio's Scout Team....

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[big daddy russ]

Now the man, whose friends affectionately refer to as "Jacket2000", was going through some legal problems with the infamous "pencil gouging incident"...

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: big daddy russ ]</small>

[Billy Boy]

So he hired a famous lawyer from Forney.

[slpybear the bullfan]

Hee Hee, now its slpybear's turn!

The lawyer happened to be an old friend from his days as an amateur Underwater Basket Weaving competitor. His old buddy was named Jasper F. Sinton, (The F standing for Forney). He gave old Jasper the secret UWBW handshake and then laid out the map of the Lone Star State Upon his desk.

Jacket grinned devilishly as he made a circle around the D/FW metroplex with his fingers. "Just look at it Jasper... it is a fertile basket just springing forth talent."

Jasper just slobbered a little with glazed-over-eyes. He passed the scissors to Jacket.

"Now... umm..." Jacket snipped and snipped until only the D/FW area was left intact on the map. "There, now we can begin the Final Realignment of the UIL! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Suddenly, the door flew open and...

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[Jacket2000]

...and it was Matt. He informed J2K that the troops had been deployed. 2 hours later, black helicopters with the letters DFW written on the sides descended on the tiny Southeast Texas town of Bridge City. The local revolutionary, known only as Old Cardinal, cowardly hid in his basement as the town was ransacked.

[Billy Boy]

Lead by Ranger mom guns blazing demanding that old Cardinal come out and tell the world how good Midland Greenwood will be in 2003.

[big daddy russ]

...But just as Ranger Mom was about to rain death on Old Card's beloved football team, Card stepped out of hiding and had this to say...

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

.....Port Isabel will defeat Midland Greenwood in the Division 2 State Championship game next year so forget about D/FW because.......

hehe.

[Jacket2000]

RangerMom then shot Old Card, b/c her was obviously on some kinda narcotic.

[PPHSfan]

....The Old Card's Funeral was held on a rainy Tuesday. Surprisingly, hundreds of posters were in attendance, but it may have just been the free nacho's and chicken enchiladas provided by the catering company from Forney...........

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[Billy Boy]

His body was moved to Jasper were he was layed to rest outside of Dodhouse and a fire hydrant was used for a tomestone. His family wants him to him a lot of visitors a day.

[audasmom7]

You guy's crack me uP....What would I do without 3A downlow entertainment...lmao

[big daddy russ]

Back to J2K, he was tried and accused of embezzlement and terroristic threats and spent a couple of years in jail after losing the case. Turns out that the attorney from Forney was actually a broken-down old wino. J2K, who was pennyless for the better part of a decade, got back on his feet after buying and becoming the sole proprietor of a high-class establishment in LaGrange known as "The Chicken Ranch." J2K enjoys his official title of "Master Pimp" and......

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: big daddy russ ]</small>

[sinton66]

it turns out that Old Cardinal was actually Santa Claus in disguise. His passing marked the end of an era and.....

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

....opened the door for a new December traditon that is now known as Cardinal Roast. This holiday event usually begins the day after the Division II championship and last thru New Years Eve. Participants from all over the Great State Of Texas all travel to Bridge City in pursuit of the finest Roasting Cardinals know to man. Next year there is a Roasting Contest in the works, that Ranger Mom has offered to chair.........

[sinton66]

but only if she's allowed to carry her pearl-handled 44 mag and a back up .380 automatic strapped to her ankle, just in case any of those "rowdys" from......

[Chris Hart]

Forney show up, and start chanting about how they got better gas mileage against the wind, than the posters from Burnet did on their journey to Bridge City, so therefore they should be #2 in line behind Ranger Mom in search of her...

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Chris Hart ]</small>

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

......red colored condoms in a pathetic attempt to fool the state troopers into thinking......

[crzyjournalist03]

that in reality, Burnet is the number two team in state just because they made the finals...but the trooper was smart enough to know better.

Then she proceeds to Jasper to give all the posters there presents since Santa Claus refused to give presents to trash talkers, and while she was there...

[Billy Boy]

The trooper wasn't fooled and found her 44 and .380 pistols. Now she's sitting in the Tom Green County jail waiting for PPHSfan to win the lottery in order to post her bond.

[PPHSfan]

.....fortunatly PPHSfan had made heavy illegal bets on the Celina vs Gainsville game on October 25th and had not only enough money left over to bail out Ranger Mom, but enough change left over for the bathroom Condom machine, that advertised all colors of the rainbow....even RED so with a pocket full of quarters Sinton66 headed for the restroom......

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

and emerged with a lime green one over the muzzle of his M-16, and he then handed the other 392 to PPHSfan who immediately began to remove them from their packages and blow them up, twisting them into grotesque animal figures that...........

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[BarneyBulldawg4President]

...resembled all 132 Bulldog mascots and one floppy eared jackrabbit from Texas 3A High school football.....

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: BarneyBulldawg4President ]</small>

[big daddy russ]

... and of course, she was very happy to find J2K with his newest "prize employee" at the Old Card Roast, a cross-dresser who hails from LaGrange named Pudlugger. There, she met up with her old friends, Matthew328, PPHSfan and Keith7. But all was not well on the homestead. The crazies from Port Isabel, Sinton and Ingleside...

[Jacket2000]

...were still at the Chicken Ranch waiting on Pudlugger to return. They had all piled their money together and had enough for one hour, but when they arrived, they were informed that he, er ah, she was not there...

[slpybear the bullfan]

because "she" was out late celebrating "Crazy Cardinal Santa Claus Day." Upon finding this out the crazies from Port Isabel, Ingleside, and Sinton went absolutely nuts and burned down the Chicken Ranch.

When J2K heard this, he was completely distraught and took Pudlugger, Matt328, Keith7, RangerMom, and PPHSfan out to a non-disclosed 3A Texas High School Football stadium and proceeded to have a "bereaving" therapy session about what had gotten him so far down this road of perdition.

"You see," he said, "I never was like this before. I was a simple, quiet, maniac who thought that his dream of a D/FW Kingdom could come true."

Yes, Yes, they all nodded their heads in agreement, showing J2K the sympathy he needed at this time.

"But it all went down hill," Jacket continued, "when I went to the last game I attended this year and saw...

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[big daddy russ]

...Keith7 streaking across the field in Celina, giving his one-fingered salute to all the fans in the stands. That just really...

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: big daddy russ ]</small>

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

.....pissed everyone in attendance off to the point that they will forever hate the town of Gainesville because the people there are.......

[Keith7]

... it didnt piss off the chicks though, and they all went to Gainesville and soon guy started to jump on the Gainesville band wagon to impress the girls and everyone in the U.S. soon loved the Gainesville leopards and they then got a new domed stadium that holds 250,000 fans but they kept getting sold out...

[aamove]

.....and then Keith7 woke up from this morbid dream sequence and realized after long last that the reason no one outside his demented way of thinking supports Gainsville is because of his rantings an ravings. It was his fault. With tears in his eyes he looked towards the stars, as if in repentence and.......

[sinton66]

realized everyone else in the state thinks people from Gainesville are the result of too much inbreeding. He vowed never to demonstrate the fact in public again. J2K, however was investing his time wisely trying to rebuild the Chicken Ranch. The fire had driven off all the workers. Once the "house" was rebuilt, he hired Keith7 to run it by hand until he could find the girls.......

[PPHSfan]

...that he would need to make it a succesfull operation once more. Keith spent most nights dreaming of how his new job was helping him to "condition" his pitching arm, and soon he was sneaking away between customers to make posts on the 3ADL, warning everyone of his 125 mph fastball that would be making its debut this season, and how that kid from Sinton was just "lucky" that he had 34 wins in a row......

[Billy Boy]

Now Keith 7 Spent his nights working as the #1 employee (15 times employee of the month). But his days he spent praying to the great baseball god in the east. He ask who is the best team and the baseball god told him Sinton! Sinton! Finally this was more than Keith 7 could bare so he check into the State Hospital in Rusk. and

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

...hooked up with some boys from Carthage, Texas who have wild thoughts of grandeur similar to Keith7's wild hoaxes of him carrying state championship trophies and wearing gold medals during a baseball game while trying to catch an infield pop up, but Keith finally realized.....

[PPHSfan]

....that he was making his nemesis J2K enough money to continue his evil plan, so he decided to leave the chicken ranch just as soon as he was released from the "hospital". Meanwhile....J2K was busy making phone calls to mercenary groups in Montana in hopes of finding a good deal on a used C-130 Spectre Gunship.....

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

....his plans were delayed, however, while standing in front of the "Chicken Ranch" the caravan of crazies from Port Isabel, Sinton, and Ingleside rode up and hit J2K with the lead Ford F-350. J2K went flying into the air about 30 some odd feet and upon landing, broke both of his legs, fractured several ribs, broke his tailbone, dislocated his right shoulder, and suffered a severe concussion! His 12 week stay in the hospital allowed the crazies from Port Isabel, Sinton, and Ingleside to take over the Chicken Ranch, and add tamales by the dozen, fajita tacos and tortilla burgers on the Chicken Ranch menu. Patrons of the Chicken Ranch loved those two items so much that.....

[big daddy russ]

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: big daddy russ ]</small>

[bearcat1]

.......they were served 24/7; the staff was especially fond of the 'fixins, and soon the "hired hands" had eaten so much that their welcome banner hanging outside now read "Whole Lot'a Rosie"......Meanwhile

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: bearcat1 ]</small>

[sinton66]

jaws had to be wired shut for awhile, to avoid the business "spreading" out too far. The restraints were removed once a week so that the "hands" could enjoy the best Tortilla Burger in the land. The list of regular customers grew by leaps and bounds, and included such notables as.....

[big daddy russ]

...Richard Nixon, Hugh Grant, the Unabomber and Hugh Hefner...

[bearcat1]

...Ole Hef was so enamoured with the place that he called the others in one night and said 'fellas, I think I could train these hands to be cheerleaders, all you need to do is put together a 3A football team that would be second to none. I'll have calendars and magazine pullouts hangin from every locker room in the state. All we need is a little illegal recruiting effort. And a coach or two. Why, we'll get players and coaches the likes of....

[big daddy russ]

..."Old Hoss" Radbourn, Maria Rinaldi, Groucho Marx, Darrell Royal and Sinton66. Yeah, that's the ticket. And maybe, just maybe we can...

[Billy Boy]

Dennis Rodman to lead our cheers and..

[sinton66]

and maybe, just maybe we can all car pool one night up to Oklahoma and kick the ever loving crap outta Barry Switzer just for grins. When we're done with that, we can......

[3ABirdMan]

...head back down to the DFW area and find us a REALLY GOOD football team for all of those cheerleaders to cheer for, because everybody knows the DFW area....

[big daddy russ]

...has the best cheerleaders...

[bearcat1]

...players...fans...coaches...equipment...buses...

[pakrat]

and the DFW area has the worst 3A football team, the Dallas Cowboys, and..

[pakrat]

Ranger Mom visits there once upon a time when she is in need of colored condiments and may return in 2003 to see...

[bearcat1]

....this team they have put together. There was much debate over a team name. Many suggestions were considered, including...

[big daddy russ]

...the Daisies, the...

[sinton66]

Bob Wills and the Texas Troubadores, but that was already taken, so they asked for a bunch more suggestions like.....

[crzyjournalist03]

the Red Condoms, but people were afraid it would start an uproar, so they settled on naming the team...the Bulldogs of course.

[pakrat]

the Lightcrust Doughgirls or maybe the...

[pakrat]

The Bulldogs, of course. That will ensure the new team of instant vicotries, playoff appearances, lucrative endorsements, such as

[bearcat1]

...ads for Trojans, They came up with slogans such as "Get more noticed with our colored condomints".....

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: bearcat1 ]</small>

[sinton66]

and Pinatas R Us a retail chain out of Nuevo Laredo specializing in large chicken Pinatas with their motto "Whack a Cluck, get a prize!". It is entirely possible that......

[bulldog65]

...a velvet painting of Elvis is in 66's den...

[aamove]

....that hangs right over his original Lava Lamp and the Pirate Chia Person......

[sinton66]

but will never capture his heart like the life-sized wall mural of Creedance Clearwater Revival did.
The new team scheduled a scrimmage with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, but had to cancel it when they refused to play "touch" football.So in order to prepare for their up and coming season, they....

[bulldog65]

took a guided tour of the Miller Brewery in Fort Worth, and after overstaying their welcome, they visited Everman High School and marveled at the back to back State Championship trophy's. They could only hope......

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: bulldog65 ]</small>

[crzyjournalist03]

That the Everman cheerleaders would agree to a scrimmage, because if they didn't...

[sinton66]

they just might have to go home and play with themselves which wouldn't be near as much fun as....

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

......watching trailer park trash beat each other up on the Jerry Springer show while experiencing quite a huge hangover! Even though they ate bowls of "Menudo" to alleviate the hangovers.......it wasn't enough. Instead, they......

[crzyjournalist03]

called their first official practice. All of the coaches were hyped until they realized that they hadn't actually signed ANY players yet.

So naturally, the coaches went out searching for players and started with quarterback. Their first signee was none other than Ryan Leaf...

[Chris Hart]

Ryan turned out undoubtedly to be the correct choice at QB, because the only other available ones were Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter. This turned out to be a good move, but there was more work to be done. The next thing on the agenda was...

[sinton66]

to get a fake birth certificate for Leaf so he could play in Texas high school football without the UIL getting any wiser, and thus avoiding our hero having to buy them so he could FIRE them. Next we needed a good wide receiver, so Hef went after Bob "the Bullet" Hayes and signed him to contract. Bob has to wear a "mask" because even the UIL isn't stupid enough to believe he's still in high school. With these two firmly on board, it was now time to....

[bearcat1]

...arrange transfers for the entire offensive line from....
bc

[Jacket2000]

...the now unemployed girls from the Chicken Ranch. There were a few of the "discount girls" that had some OL experience from....

[sinton66]

'61 Packers where they excelled in strong-arm tactics and cheap shots, so.....

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

.......instead, they were coached to pull on facemasks, and leg whip their opponents to submission. If you're not sure what a leg whip is, someone who might know would be......

[bulldog65]

Hulk Hogan, he instructs OL at the 49'rs camp each spring, while Randy Savage teaches the famous "Elbow Drop" to .......

[Billy Boy]

They also have signed on Tanda Hardin at tight end and talks have begin with Joe Dirt.

[pakrat]

Kliff Kingsbury also paid them a visit, but he wasn't sure who the OL would be the most offensive to. They might turn on him. Since he is fresh meat in the league, he was afraid the old chicken ranch girls would return to true chicken ranch form and pluck him clean down to his birthday suit and then...

[crzyjournalist03]

O.J. Simpson showed up, asking if the team needed a running back, but he was quickly denied because they had just signed...

[Jacket2000]

...Ray Lewis, and they didnt want two criminals on the team. So....

[Old Cardinal]

...then they found out that Old Cardinal was actually working as an undercover agent in DFW trying to determine what Keith 07 was actually....

[sinton66]

trying to prove, afterall, we know his sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to other people, and.............

[greendog fan]

sinton66:
trying to prove, afterall, we know his sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to other people, and.............Everyone move to Burnet, Tx and lived happly ever after as the #2 team in the state.

[Jacket2000]

untill....

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

.....the boys from Wharton paid them a visit, lookin' for a little payback. They got it, and then some. Burnet was no longer #2. Wharton was now the big dawg at #2, but #2 in what? The answer would rest in the head of.....

[pakrat]

Old Cardinal. His fondness for explaining how much smarter his BC boys are than everyone else that surely he wouldn't mind the Wharton boys being #2 in smarts, or is it the...

[sinton66]

folly of a deranged and dangerous mind? Who knows for sure? It certainly shouldn't surprize anyone that......

[crzyjournalist03]

The UIL soon found out about the Bulldogs' attempt to sign former NFL players, and as a punishment, they were forced to...

[Billy Boy]

Eat poop shoots on the Fear Factor Show.

[3ABirdMan]

And while the thought of eating them was bad enough, it was no-where near as bad as the taste.

Once they were all down, to stay, the guys skipped out before the next round, where they were going to have to spend 1 hour trying to trip up PPHSfan in a discussion of....

[crzyjournalist03]

the variable uses of polytetraflouroethelyne (That stuff that is on the inside of cooking pans, also known as teflon).

[pakrat]

But Sinton66 showed and told them it was &gt; slick50 but &lt;WD-40 and they were still looking for Old Card to straighten them out when...

[Old Cardinal]

..And Old Card had to correct the technical name for Teflon it is polytetraflouroETHYLENE. Boy crzyjournalist, don't try to get a little technical with some of these folks are you will bring out their wrath! So the Journalist changed directions and-

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

....spoke plain English for a change......that is, until he moved down to the Rio Grande Valley and had to learn a whole new language called Spanglish. If you didn't mix up the English and Spanish languages while you were talking to someone, people from the Rio Grande Valley would think you were a/an......

[3ABirdMan]

Texas High School football referee, because they are always so clear in their definition of what IS an infraction and what ISN'T an infraction.

So while the crazyjournalist was transmuting the rules of football in Spanglish, TexMike broke into the conversation saying........

[PPHSfan]

....there are several brands of teflon pans, but most of us honest, hard working, underpaid, unfortunate zebras...cook our beans in a cast iron skillet because......

[aamove]

......cast iron is better to bring out the gaseous qualities in beans. And with this new found information Keith7 decided to......

[Old Cardinal]

pass...

[Old Cardinal]

pass...

[pakrat]

hot air. There is only one true gas passer on this
board. He knocks us out regularly. Known only to a select few, his identity is...

[Billy Boy]

Jacket the big brother of the cross-dresser Keith7.

[Jacket2000]

Or as we refer to him, Sister Kelly.
J2K

[3ABirdMan]

Just then, Ranger Mom found herself standing in the shower, and when she turned around, there stood the supposed dead Old Cardinal (doing his best J R Ewing)!

Was it all really true, or was it a dream? Did Santa Claus die? Did Hef and the boys really whip up on Barry Switzer? Did the girls from the ranch really know their blocking schemes?

Or was it dream?

Suddenly, someone burst into the bathroom, finding Ranger Mom and Old Cardinal standing there staring at each other like total strangers. FINALLY! Some-one to shed light on all of the confusion - None other than........

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: 3ABirdMan ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

....Barry Switzer himself. Barry had been down in Bridge City looking for a coaching job when he had heard of Old Cardinals Demise, but being the sly old fart that he was, he knew that O.C. "as Barry and Jerry always called him" would start rumors of his own death at the drop of a hat, if he thought he could get his name in the papers.....

[pakrat]

...Barry, being the diplomat that he always was, ushered O.C. out the door while giving a sly, see you later wink to Ranger Mom. Old C., having planned his own funeral, was seeking the ultimate pall bearers, and of course recruited Barry. By this time they had arrived at Barry's car and Barry's bodyguards, a couple of Barry's old Oklahoma boys recently released from prison, were giving O.C. the once over. Old Card, mistaking them for Michael Irvin and Nate Newton, thought they would be great to go along with Barry, but when they found out it was to be a solemn occasaion with no booze, funny smelling cigs, or coke (the nasal type), they nixed the whole idea. And then...

[Old Cardinal]

and then 3A Birdman called in Texas Mike and the good ole boys- they caught the pallbearers "holding" up the casket. And Mike gave them a good frown, but didn't call a holding call because...

[sinton66]

it was deemed "incidental contact" and didn't affect the actual outcome of the reverse naked bootleg that was being run by the Chicken Ranch girls under the direction of J2K. The left guard rolled out and blind-sided TX_Mike, and he never knew what hit him. Meanwhile.......

[slpybear the bullfan]

...on a dark, deserted football field, in the middle of a non-descript, 3A HS football town somewhere in Texas, the evening dew began to fall, coating a lone figure with its dampness.

The figure was tall, masculine, and obviously at home there on the grass. He began to jog, first to one goal post, then the other. After a little bit, he began to run. Soon the run gave way to a sprint, then it gave way to a torrid, thoroughbred-paced tear from the 20 yardline into the endzone.

"Agghhhhh!!!" the scream pierced through the quiet night. "NEVER!... NEVER!... NEVER!" he screamed and began walking to the sideline. There, underneath the glow from one mercury-vapor light hanging from the press-box, the figure was finely visible. If someone had been sitting in the pressbox, they would have been shocked to see the figure was none other than..

[PPHSfan]

.....Jamie Foxx. Yes the hollywood funny man himself. Coach Switzer had seen him play quarterback in a movie with Al Pacino, and had called him up right away in hopes of signing him to the new gig. When Jamie told Barry that he had already played some 4A ball in Terrell back in 1986 and would have a hard time with his red-shirt status in Texas, Barry just whispered two words into Jamies ear, Brian Bosworth...I am not sure what this name had to do with Jamies Red-Shirt worries, but when those two words fell on his ears........

[sinton66]

he sat motionless as Jacket arrived and proceeded to kick the ever-lovin' crap out of Switzer to show him who the "REAL" coach is. Jacket pounded his butt mercilessly, then tied him up, stuffed him in a crate and FED-Xed him back across the Red River where he belonged. Jacket then turned to Jamie and said " you can play on this team if you want, but how do you look in a dress?" Jamie said "No sweat coach, I'll make you proud!". Jacket shook his hand and told him to report the next day to assistant cross-dresser coach, Pudlugger. The plan for the first game was ........

[pakrat]

...for the chicken ranch girls to run the wish bone with a cameo appearance by a certain cross dressing basketball player who would...

[PPHSfan]

.....who would bring his boyfriend Kid Rock with him to sing the star spangled banner. But only if everyone agreed to dye their hair orange and shout Dennis Dennis Dennis everytime somebody scored. This was agreeable with Jacket with one stipulation.....

[crzyjournalist03]

He himself was allowed to hand out the game ball to the girls after the game, and give them the halftime speech about...

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: crzyjournalist03 ]</small>

[sinton66]

proper hygene in the trenches. Jacket has always been a firm believer in cleanliness, particularly in close quarters. You get to "know" your center kinda personally on a football team, so hygene is important. The girls ratified one more stipulation, Dennis couldn't wear his wedding gown. It just wasn't proper, and even chicken ranch girls have their standards.
The very first game was scheduled for Friday night against the .............

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Old Cardinal]

the Kirbyville Goat-ropers. Now the Kirbyville Goat-ropers has a unique group of cheerleaders of their own; the girls come from Call Junction and Call, Texas-two adjacent towns. Now the Call girls are a vibrant group of country girl cheerleaders in their own right( I can bet that someone has a Texas map out, already to see it there is really two towns like that next to Kirbyville). An those Kirbyville town folks are just itching to....

[Billy Boy]

To playthe game at the new dome stadium in Roganville.

[Tank58]

but then Santa told his dogg "Snoop" to take him to Dr. Dre so they could wreck the mik at this club in Detroit......

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

With Roganville being a terrific neutral site, both teams agreed to play the game there. However, there was some concern, especially from Dallas's center. She was worried about the long bus ride, was afraid that she wouldn't have any feeling in her butt come game time, because she likes the feel of the quarterbacks hands on her rear before she......

[pinecone]

...Dressed out for the game. However her fears were shortlived for the bus was met by Sherrif Billy Rawls just south of Zavalla. Fearing a riot, the chicken ranch girls were strip searched for weapons and contriband and...

[sinton66]

plenty of both were found. The right guard didn't like the way the sheriff searched her, so she made him do it again. Also found was 150 pounds of raw beef. Apparently the chicken ranch girls were going to barbecue after the game. The sheriff said he knew where they could get the best charcoal, and the girls strung him up then and there, cause everybody knows Texans cook beef over mesquite. Anybody that would use charcoal didn't deserve to live. They didn't have any rope, so had to make a noose out of several pairs of their pantyhose. When the necessary ammenities were dealt with, they proceeded to..............

[pakrat]

hang a pair of panty hose around his freakin neck.
However, he hadn't used his Gillette Mach3 Turbo in a couple of days and the cactus patch on his chin ripped the panthose to shreds. Fearing the game would be a forfeit, Old Card whacked the
poor sherriff over the head with a piece of Texas toast and the girls Texas 2 stepped back onto the bus while the sherriff was in a stupor. Jacket hit the gas and all heck broke loose as the race was on for Roganville, Tx, popualtion 3 chickens, one cow, and a dome.

[slpybear the bullfan]

Meanwhile, RangerMom, PPHSFan, and Keith7 all walked into a BurgerKing. They hitched their belts a little around their waists and proceeded to mosey up to the counter. RangerMom spoke for all of them.

"Listen you little punk kid, I need 328 Whoppers, hold the bread, tomato, onion, lettuce, pickles, and mayo. I want 3 french fries. And I don't mean three orders... I mean THREE french fries. Wrap them individually in foil please. And I would like a Jumbo Coffee, A child Dr. Pepper, and a Medium Orange Juice. And please-"

PPHSFan interrupted, "Don't forget the ketchup!"

RangerMom glared at PPHSfan, then turned back around and continued.

"And please give us 173 packets of ketchup. That will be all." And RangerMom set her purse on the counter and began to stare intently at the clerk.

PPHSFan giggled and began clapping his hands. "Ketchup," he whispered excitedly. Keith7 snickered a little too. He had just finished carving "Gainesville Rules!" into the counter while RangerMom was ordering.

The clerk was nervous, sensing the short fuse that was burning just a counter away from him. His hands fumbled, fingers twitching while he kept mashing the Whopper button, then cut pickles, onions, lettuce... Too slow, too slow! he kept thinking to himself.

RangerMom watched for another thirty seconds, which was just about long enough for the fuse to burn on down.

"LISTEN!!!" She screamed at the clerk, "I haven't got all day here! I have to be in..."

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

Roganville for the big game at seven, and I am NOT going to be very happy if you make me miss it." She continued, "I sometimes shoot slow people because they make the rest of us look bad!" The clerk eyed the grip of the .44 mag protruding from her handbag and began pushing the buttons at a furious pace, sweat dripping from his brow. As soon as the order was complete, he went into the absent manager's office, closed the door behind him, and fell to his knees praying the cook didn't screw up THIS order. He then called his manager at home and told him that he needed to go home to change his pants. He was crawling out of the restaraunt on his hands and knees hoping not to be seen when all of a sudden Keith7 said ........

[Old Cardinal]

...Wow, look at that recent post, Marlin has all the Olympic metal winners! and Matthew 328 said..

[sinton66]

"Poppycock, Anje(Throw-back to picture on 3ADownlow Yearbook thread). Those folks in Marlin can't even spell olympics." PPHSfan began laughing loudly and between tears of laughter managed to blurt out...........

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

...and Old Cardinal can't spell medal. Then PPHSfan pulled one of his favorite pictures out of his handy photo album that he had chained to his Harley Davidson Belt, and said " here is one of Sinton66 back in week six when it didn't look like it would ever stop raining."

http://www.mopar-owners-club.com/curious/aqua1b.gif

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: PPHSfan ]</small>

[pakrat]

So now we will have a movie titled JAWS TEXAS made by a group of well intentioned New Yorkers and starring PPHSfan and Sinton66. Meanwhile Jacket is still herding that bus load of chicken ranch girls and footballs and beefcake down to Roganville to meet up with the Kirbyville Goat Ropers and the Call Girls. (Got to keep this about
football you know.) That racey right guard and the center get in a fight over who is going to be captain for the game and the RG hits the C width a football which....

[sinton66]

started a violent confrontation right there on the bus. Jacket had to think fast. He needed to settle this once and for all and very quickly before any players got seriously injured. He finally struck on the idea to.........

[slpybear the bullfan]

...flood the bus above all of the seats and force the players at gunpoint to compete in Underwater Basket Weaving.

Sinton66 made the driver pull the bus over and run the waterhose through a window. No sooner had the water began pouring in when Sinton66 turned around and saw players stripping clothes of in record time...

[sinton66]

and what a sight to behold it was! There's absolutely nothing like 20 or so heavyweights stark naked and splashing around inside a bus on a Friday afternoon. 66 thought everything had calmed down when all of a sudden, the left guard (heaviest of them all) screamed " CANNONBALL!!!! ". When she jumped, it blew out all the windows in the bus and threw Jacket out onto the hood, just then, another fan of Texas football arrived and said..... http://www.moviebadgirls.com/capimage/Bad_Girls_20.JPG
"Jacket, get your a$$ back in that bus and drive!"

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[pinecone]

We now have an illustrated novel here. Who has the rights to this? This stuff is hilarious. :D

[PPHSfan]

....to which Jacket Replied..."me no speak ingles"...and then he tried hard to remember some 8th grade Spanish and said..."No me tire por favor, yo son solamente el jefe de estas mujeres"..but little did he know, that the girl pointing the gun at him was from Pharr Tx. and spoke fluent Spanish. After determining that Jacket was a pimp of some kind, she decided to....

[Jacket2000]

...put the gun away and ask for a job.

[sinton66]

("Me do not throw please, I are only the leader of these women"???????)

So, Jacket told her "Welcome aboard, You'll be my personal bodyguard!". She introduced herself as "Twinkle". They all got back in the bus and headed on to Roganville. The center and right guard made up and decided to settle their dispute with arm wrestling, all was well, and a football game was about to get underway. Jacket thought "there's never a dull moment with the chicken ranch girls". About half an hour out of Roganville,.............

<small>[ January 12, 2003, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[mustang04]

......they got a flat tire and had to pull over in the ditch and it was raining, until another bus came along w/ alot of footbll players from sweetwater who....

[pakrat]

..were headed to their sister city of Bon Wier, TX. But since nobody from Sweetwater could speak French, they thought they were headed to Agua
Bueno. The chicken ranch girls were in a dilemma.
They needed a flat fixed or a ride to Roganville. Never timid with a bunch of football players, they
began to ply their trade. The Sweetwater boys were soon overwhelmed, but Old Card raised his trusty double barreled shotgun and fired into the air. We ain't got no time fer pussyfootin,he said. And with that, he ordered the girls on the SW bus and the boys to fix the flat. He sweetened the deal by giving the SW boys a hand drawn map showing they were only 20 miles from Bon Wier. So with that the trade was made, and Jacket again was on his way to Roganville with the Bulldogs and then...

[District303aPastPlayer]

out in the south texas town of sinton, i fell in love with a mexican girl. She cooked me enchiladas, at Tasty Taco, and gave me a super roll to go. . . .

[sinton66]

and as I rode away I could hear her say to Jose, come a little bit closer, you're my kind of man, so big and so strong, come a little bit closer, I'm all alone, and the night is so long.

When Jacket and his crew arrived in Roganville, they noticed right away that someone had done an excellent job of promoting the game. There were banners everywhere. They proceeded to the stadium to get dressed out and start their pregame workouts....................

[Old Cardinal]

But the crowd was small at game time, because of a traffic build up on the by-pass loup around Bon Weir. So the Call Junction cheerleaders went out to the center of the field and lead the crowd in a good rendition of.....

[PPHSfan]

...."The House of the Rising Sun". The crowd was really getting into it, but the song did not set well with Jacket's Girls. Just as the cheerleaders began the second chorus.......

[pakrat]

...the Chicken Ranch girls come out with a cheer of their own: 2bits, 4 bits, 6 bits, a dollar. All for the Bulldogs lay down and waller!!

[sinton66]

With pregame out of the way, it was now time to play the game. The Chicken Ranch girls won the toss and elected to defer. They kicked off, and the Call Girls caught the ball on the four, swung right and followed a line of blockers. Chicken Ranch's special teams were spectacular, they broke through the blockers and stopped the return at the nine. On the first play from scrimmage, the Chicken Ranch middle linebacker crashed through the line, intercepted the pitch and scampered nine yards into the endzone for the game's first score. The extra point attempt was wide left, so Chicken Ranch with a 6-0 lead prepared to kickoff again..................

[slpybear the bullfan]

...with Jacket Grinning from ear to ear.

As the Chicken Ranch Girls boomed the kickoff deep into Call Girl territory, the Call Girls formed up in their vaunted, "whoopie" wedge. They plunged deep into the Chicken Ranch Girls kickoff team and penetrated them deeply to the 45 yard line.

On the first snap from scrimmage, the Call Girls' QB fumbled with her snap and dropped the ball. Immediately it was picked up by a Chicken Ranch Girl. The Call Girl QB rushed over and using both hands, did an excellent job of stripping... ...the ball. She cavorted wildly, jostling this way and that as she panted and came closer and closer to scoring. As she neared the goal line her breath was coming in short, raspy...

ERRR... OKAY, SLPYBEAR BETTER JUST STOP THIS CREATIVE POST RIGHT HERE.

Is it warm in here?

...so the Call Girls scored wink and kicked the PAT to go up 7-6 with a full 10 minutes left in the 1st quarter.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

On the ensuing kickoff, the Chicken Ranch Girls pulled off a "wedgie" of their own, and managed to get the return out to their own 41 yardline. They lined up in the old "wing-t" formation, the wing back went motion left, the ball was snapped, QB faked the handoff up the middle, rolled right and threw a long pass down the left sideline to the wingback who after the catch managed to juke everyone from the Call Girls defense completely out of their shoes and went the distance for another score. On the PAT, Jacket decided to go for two. They lined up in a "spread" formation, snapped the ball and the QB did a quick handoff on a fullback trap right up the middle for the two points. The score was now 14-7 for the Chicken Ranch Girls. The stands erupted into a loud and lengthy roar as the entire Chicken Ranch team hugged each other.

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 06:44 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

"Si guardamos el jugar de esta manera, la cuenta del juego será enorme.".....Jacket thought to himself. His new bodyguard had been helping him with his Spanish, and even his thoughts in his second language were easier to understand.

Jacket decided it was time to get control of the ballgame before things got ugly, so before the kickoff he gathered his girls around and......

[sinton66]

and said "anotamos para una vida, de que somos lo que lo hacemos. We gotta stop them from scoring, though. We gotta play some defense. Come on girls, what do ya say? Will you do one with the Gipper?" The center said "you mean win one for the Gipper, don't you? Jacket replied, "errr, yeah, SURE!" He hatched a genius of a defensive scheme then and there. The plan was to........

[crzyjournalist03]

Tackle the person on the opposing side that had the ball. For some girls, this meant getting down and dirty. One of the defensive tackles refused to go down into a three point stance, because she had just had a manicure. So Jacket decided he had to completely overhaul the defensive scheme, changing the defense to a 3-4 so that he could blitz more linebackers and in return, hopefully see the other team's QB hit the deck more often, because Jacket had a unique feeling of....

[Jacket2000]

Hmm, Wing-T? Trap out of the spread? Sounds like my playcalling, alright. Just throw some Wishbone and some stacked I in the mix and that's me. But, 3-4? Ive gotta have a high pressure defense. Gimmie a 52 or even a 4-3,just make sure you blitz alot.
Oh, and one more thing, J2K doesnt speak Spanish. He's Cajun, not Hispanic, so, if you're gonna have me speaking it, at least translate it for me.
J2K

[pakrat]

...a unique feeling of blissful blitzing. Meanwhile the Kirbyville Goat Ropers and the Call Girls are consulting with their coach who is none other than...

[PPHSfan]

.....Willie Nelson. "Willie" to his friends, not "Nelly". Willie had his girls huddled and was discussing the halftime plans if they could keep Jacket's girls within a touchdown. "I have already been up on the roof of the fieldhouse with Old Cardinal" said Willie, as one of the call girls interupted him and reminded him that Jimmy Carter was no longer in the Whitehouse.....

[sinton66]

Ok Jacket, just for you, mine said something like "We score for a living, it's what we do." Then when he switched to French, he said "Les dames, montrons ces hussies qui est le patron autour ici"." Now get out on that field and lets put this game in the history books! This should get easier, even though their coach is a legend, he's done way too much wacky weed to call a good game". So the plan was set, BLITZ, BLITZ, BLITZ, and more BLITZ! The second half was about to get underway.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[pakrat]

Willie had this parting advice for his Call Girls.
Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys, Let 'em be Raiders and 'Niners and such!

[Chris Hart]

Then the local sheriff had enough probable cause, to search Willie for narcotics after such a hideous statement. The sheriff's search was indeed warranted, and off to the jailhouse Willie did go...

[MARLINFAN]

BUT WHILE ON THEIR WAY TO THE JAILHOUSE THEY STOPPED TO SEE BURNET AND MARLIN PLAY

[pakrat]

...the Jasper County Jailhouse. There he joined Opra Winfrey and Ted Koppel who had just been arrested for "MESSING WITH TEXAS"! Asked for his statement as he was being booked, Willie wanted to sing "On the Road Again" but instantly the words of a new song began pouring into his Red Headed Stranger noggin. "Twas the time of the sherriff in the year of '03, but the bribing is over, so let me go free", he wailed. And then...

[sinton66]

The phone rang and when the sheriff answered, he was surprized to find The Prez, George Bush on the line. GB told the sheriff that he was issuing a FULL pardon for Willie, so let him go. Willie did a little soft shoe dance on his way out of the jail, and the sheriff took him back to the game. Once he got there, he was dismayed to find the Call Girls down by 24 going into the third quarter. Jacket's brilliant defense had taken a big toll on the Call Girls players, and the Chicken Ranch Girls seemed unstoppable. Jacket was running up and down the sidelines shouting "Maintenez la chaleur, filles. Nous avons obtenu celui-ci dans le sac."

[PPHSfan]

Willie, who just happened to have penned several popular songs in the French launguage, shouted over at Jacket. "The only bag you have is the one for which you still owe me ten bucks, from back in 77.....and I am fixing to show you some HEAT." With that Willie huddled up the call girls and told them about his new trick play that he had gotten from the President just moments before....

[pakrat]

You've got to throw smart bombs, the Prez had said. put a GPS unit in the receiver's helmet and see if she can find the end zone. I'll send Colin Powell with the latest secret homing devices developed by our friends the N. Koreans and smuggled out by Mao Ying. These devices will fit into the air hole in a football. Glue Saddam Hussein's picture in the receiver's left hand. Use plenty of glue. (He is slippery.) Put all kinds of glue in the other hand too. She will drop nothing. These devices when launched into the air will land only on Saddam H.

[sinton66]

Willie said "Geez, G.B., we don't have that kind of money". The Prez said "then your only hope is to run a misdirection keeper sweep at them and hope it works". Willie said "send it in!". And so the plan was set. They signaled in the play to the QB. Unfortunately for Willie and the Call girls, Jacket had done his homework and intercepted the play call. He sent in a triple team backside blitz to counter the ingenious play. The ball was snapped, the handoff was faked to the halfback, and the QB peeled back against the motion only to be met by three of the largest women she had ever seen just before they crashed in upon her. She suffered a broken arm. Willie was in a tough spot now, he didn't have a second string quarterback. Things were at their bleakest at that time, so Willie thought and thought during the injury time out, "What to do, what to do?" He pulled out his cellphone and called his old buddy PPHSfan who was watching from the stands. He asked him "What do I do now ???? PPHSfan replied.................

[slpybear the bullfan]

..."Everything will be Okay, just calm down, tighten up the belt a little, and go find the meanest, roughtest, cobb of a player you got."

Willie said, "Okay, man, I got just the gal in mind."

PPHS fan replied, "Great, now just walk up to her, pat her on the fanny, slap her on the shoulder pads, and whisper the following three words into her ear..."

[Dave-O]

"Granny Panties Rock!"

[sinton66]

Having totally "blown" her mind, he asked her to go in for the injured QB. She went in and managed to rally the Call girls for two more scores in the fourth quarter. The score was now 31-28 in favor of the Chicken Ranch girls. There was a minute and a half to go, and Jacket and the Chicken Ranch girls were about to receive the ball on kickoff for their last possession. Jacket knew they had to put the game away once and for all, so he called for the hurry-up no huddle offense running out of the traditional wing-t formation. The kickoff was long and deep, and the receiver for the Chicken Ranch Girls fell in behind a massive wall of blockers and they plodded their way out to the C.R. 45 yard line with 1:19 left on the clock. Jacket called a misdirection keeper sweep of his own, and it worked perfectly down to the Call Girls 36 with exactly 1:00 left. He ran several off tackle runs which produced a first down on the Call Girls 22 with :28 left on the clock. He called the patented "Fool 'em all" play. They lined up in the wing-t, wing back went motion right, ball was snapped then pitched to the halfback following the motion back, Jamie rolled out left and took off down the field. As the wing back crashed into the first defender, the halfback pulled up short and threw the ball to the QB flying straight up the left sideline, hit him in full stride and Jamie took it downtown for the score. The PAT was good, so the score became 38-28 for the Chicken Ranch Girls with :04 left on the clock. The game pretty much in hand, a celebration began to break out on the Chicken Ranch sideline. Jacket yelled at them to "Focus"!! he got them under control and sent in the kickoff team. The ball was kicked, and the special team did and excellent job, killing the ball on the Call Girl 6 yardline. The Call Girls were left with a last desperate pass attempt, and the chicken Ranch defense blitzed and chased the quarterback out of the pocket and sacked her on the one yardline to win the game as time expired. The Chicken Ranch Girls had proved their mettle. Jacket was treated to the traditional "Gatorade shower", and was lifted and carried to the locker room by the team. As the team was showering and getting ready to head home, Jacket began to think about where they might find the next game..................

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

...when suddenly the thought sprang into his mind.

"Girls!!!!" he yelled, "I am taking you to the greatest city on the planet... TIJUANA!!!"

And so...

[crzyjournalist03]

sinton66:
The game pretty much in hand, a celebration began to break out on the Chicken Ranch sideline. Jacket yelled at them to "Focus"!! he got them under control and sent in the kickoff team. The ball was kicked, and the special team did and excellent job, killing the ball on the Call Girl 6 yardline. .................."killing the ball" on a kickoff? Wouldn't that be an onside kick recovery???

[pinecone]

Then suddenly the Jasper Co. Sheriff appeared. He arrested the whole team and coaches for playing an 8 man line. As you know 8 line machines are illegal in the state of Texas and many raids and arrests have been made lately, especially in Jasper County. He couldn't discriminate, an 8 line machine is an 8 line machine no matter where it is. So things looked bad for the Chicken Ranch girls until...

[sinton66]

PPHSfan showed him some pictures his private eye had taken of the Sheriff in compromizing positions with several sheep. The Sheriff quickly dismissed all charges and told the team to drive safely as they left his county. Jacket loaded the team onto the bus and drove off westward into the setting sun. They decided to stop by the Chicken Ranch and................

[3afan08]

and hopped on their private jet and headed to san diego to go to try and find tickets to the super bowl......

[pakrat]

However, Jacket was not the greatest jet pilot. Some strange things began to happen. In fact, they couldn't even take off without...

[crzyjournalist03]

having to start the engine with jumper cables. Jacket knew from that moment that it would be a rough flight. Within five minutes of taking off, the pilot got on the intercom and said to the passengers, "I'm sorry to announce that there is a major problem with this plane. I have just noticed that...

[DawgMama]

... all of the tiny bottles of booze in the plane are missing.... WHO took them?"

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: DawgMama ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

"And by the way... my copilot has expired due to acute gingovitis, the flight attendants all have passed out from our pre-flight tequila shot party, and I am having extreme mental delusions resulting in hallucinations. At this moment, tiny squirrels are carrying mop-buckets across the dashboard of the plane. Every once in a while, one of them stops to turn around and give me the finger.

Authors Note: Wow!!! You guys should all see this righteous table that I am making in my room. It is a gourgeous honey pine that I have just put the 12th coat of spray polyurethane on!!!

So anyway, the pilot turned the microphone off and relaxed back in his chair, because H.R. Puffenstuff and the talking flute just appeared to ride copilot while they followed Puff, who was flying ahead of the plane, to the land of Hominy.

Man!!! Keeewwwwwllll....

So then... the H.R. Puffenstuff turns to the talking flute and says...

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

"I really like this pilot despite the fact he has halitosis. I suppose that is better than no breath at all." The talking flute said "I agree, I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like without breath. Probably be pretty dull just leaning up against a wall somewhere!"

Just then, one of the flight attendants woke up and went to the restroom only to discover Ronald Mcdonald hanging from a noose. Obviously, someone had done the world a tremendous favor in eliminating this menace. But, who to thank for it? Why none other than.........

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[3afan08]

......barney.......

[sinton66]

But when his disguise was removed, it was none other than Dave Thomas, Wendy's dear old dad. Dave had grown to hate Ronald over the years for the pretend hamburgers he sold in his restaraunt chain. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Denver so that Dave could be taken away muttering " That freakin clown deserved to die!" The plane resumed it's westward flight and landed safely in San Diego. The team blew into the superbowl and had a great time. They partied with the Tampa Bay Buccanneers after the game. It was at this party that Jamie............

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

...informed everyone that, "If dogs ever take over the world, then I hope that the really big dogs let the little dogs have a say in running things too. Because I'll bet the little dogs have some good ideas."

The rest of the girls just nodded in agreement, so Jacket just stood up and...

[sinton66]

handed him a bottle of 101 proof Wild Turkey, and said "You can make it happen, Jamie, I just know you can!" Then he bee-atch slapped him and said "Earth to Jamie, get a grip!" Jamie immediately called his old pal PPHSfan and blubbered into the phone what happened. PPHSfan said............

[pakrat]

Willie, is that you? You drowning in Whiskey River again?

[sinton66]

After the super bowl party, it was time to get back down to business. The entire group returned to the Chicken Ranch to rest and recover. Jacket had plans to make, and the team needed to practice. He got on the phone and tried to line up the next opponent. He talked with many groups including.............

[PPHSfan]

....all of the Division 1 colleges in Florida. Jacket felt that it was time, once and for all, to prove to the Sunshine State that Texas football was superior. But first he would have to lay down some rules, the first one being that no Florida School could use any of their Texas players.......

[Old Cardinal]

although they would not use Texas ball players,they were very interested in the Kirbyville Goat Ropers bringing them some goats for a big BBQ, with boiled peanuts and.....

[slpybear the bullfan]

...a large bowl of homemade potato salad, and...

[pakrat]

Shiner beer, and fajitas and jalapenos, frijoles, pollo, arros, y salsa picante and more Shiner beer and three Mexican cooks and...

[crzyjournalist03]

Jacket decided that he'd heard enough. He replied to the demands by telling Florida schools to "suck on an orange." There was no way he would take all of those delicacies of Texas to Florida just to play a bunch of lousy teams. So instead, he decided to call the University of Alaska-Anchorage. They were more than willing to play the game on one condition--the Chicken Ranch girls had to travel into the frozen tundra to play...

[slpybear the bullfan]

...the ICEY-HOT Bowl. The rules would be plain and simple: All the team members would wear Parkas and Mukaluks over their pads. When the opposing team scores, the defending team would have strip off one item of clothing. Eventually, one team would be stripped down to the unmentionables, (Looking HOT, but definitely feeling ICEY, hence the name.

Jacket agreed to the deal, (think it might be a really fun game to be a spectator at!. However, when the team arrived in the land of the Northern Lights, he was worried. Coach Jacket took one look at the opposition and felt like it was a set up. He was facing a team of Eskimo Women and the coach was a Kodiak Bear. He knew if the girls didn't get on top quick, there would be trouble.

Turning around to his team, who was streching and warming up on their endzone, he said...

<small>[ January 31, 2003, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[Old Cardinal]

....If you don't play ball we will bring in the DFW Dominance Committee- and exile you girls down to Call Junction Texas, near to where the Goatropers reign. And the girls shuttered and said...

[sinton66]

"Don't worry, coach. No way we lose to a bunch of freakin' frigids! We'll be stompin' their butts before they finish their blubber break! One thing though, you gotta get some folks to keep 'em from sending the huskies after us. Slpybear can handle the Kodiak." Jacket said "No problem, I'll go buy some hamburger meat and Thorazine. We'll make it up in balls, and PPHSfan and 66 can toss 'em at the dogs with a winger." Jamie said" Man! It sure is pretty up here, look at all the snow! I wonder how it tastes?" Jacket said "Go ahead and try it, just don't eat the yellow snow!" Just then......

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

....the members of the newly formed STAAR4 (South Texas Association for the Advancement of Region 4) decided to go ahead and urinate in the snow just to see what it looked like because most people who live in Region 4 country have never seen the stuff.

[Bandera YaYa]

And, then the Wimberley BB player, I believe his name was Jerk, thought the yellow snow was banana flavored and heaped him up a big handful and was about to put it in his mouth, when a Bandera BB player yelled out...

[Bandera YaYa]

And, then the Wimberley BB player, I believe his name was Jerk, thought the yellow snow was banana flavored and heaped him up a big handful and was about to put it in his mouth, when a Bandera BB player yelled out...

[sinton66]

TFiNT had to drink 36 beers to get enough to write his name in the snow. Meanwhile, Jacket and the Chicken Ranch Girls set up their first practice on the frozen tundra. It was really wierd trying to play in Parkas and mukluks. Their opponents were practicing just up the trail a ways, and Jacket sent his assistant Pudlugger up to scout them out. Pudlugger came back with an astonishing report.............

[crzyjournalist03]

The girls from the University of Alaska-Anchorage had been practicing in an indoor practice facility all week!

Jacket considered this to be an advantage for his team, because they would have plenty of experience playing in the frigid temperatures come game day. Jacket rallied up his troops to declare this great news just as...

[Brahma73]

...word came from across the frozen lake that YaYa was trouncing the crap out of some poor defenseless kid - nicknamed Jerk - and was about to neuter him with a rusty hacksaw, when out of nowhere...

[crzyjournalist03]

He realized that he didn't actually have an old rusty hacksaw, and in his embarrasment, he fled into the woods and decided to "hibernate" until everybody else from Texas had left.

<small>[ February 01, 2003, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: crzyjournalist03 ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

AUTHOR's NOTE: Can you believe this is post #200 on this thing?

With the Ya Ya - Jerk episode behind him and everyone else... Jacket proceeded to give a great pep talk and the Girls took the field.

On the ensuing kickoff, the Chicken Ranch Girls returned the ball to their 25 yard line. Jacket was very happy, the cold weather was incredibly playing into his favor. However, after the first play his good mood soured. The QB lost the snap when her hands got tied up in the folds of her Parka. One of the UA-A girls picked up the ball and scampered into the endzone. The PAT ball sailed through the endzone and the Chicken Ranch girls ran to the bench to take off their parkas.

Jacket shivered as he noticed the wind picking up. The temperature had to be about 35° and dropping. He had to think of something... and do it quick!

He opened his massive parka and pulled out a tired, crumpled notebook. Its cover was a faded green and simply said, B. Bryant on the cover. Turning to page 4, Jacket "Whooped" and said...

<small>[ February 02, 2003, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

"I have the perfect play for just these conditions". Keith7 showed up and was buzzing around Jacket asking "What are you gonna do?" over and over. Jacket thought for a minute and then told Keith7 "You look very hungry . Go over and tell PPHSFan I said to fix you a hamburger"..................

[Billy Boy]

And a lemon snow cone.

[sinton66]

With Keith7 adequately sedated, Jacket could now return his attention to the game plan. The UA-A girls kicked off, and Jacket had sent Jamie in as kick returner. He caught the ball at the four, swung right behind a giant wall of blockers and they plodded their way out to the 40. The wall was beginning to errode around him, so Jamie turned and threw a backwards pass to his "tight" end who was all alone on the 35 at the opposite sideline. She caught the ball and rumbled all the way in for a score. The Chicken Ranch girls lined up for the PAT. Jacket decided to go for two. They lined up in the old swinging gate formation and apparantly the "Frigids" had never seen it before because it worked perfectly. The score was now 8-7 in favor of the Chicken Ranch Girls. Jacket called the team to the sideline to lay out the kickoff strategy. Just then...........

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

...he glanced over at the Frigids sidlines and watched them taking off their Parkas. To Jacket's suprise, they had another set of parkas on underneath. The Chicken Ranch Girls had been SETUP in this "ICEY HOT BOWL."

Jacket saw the Kodiak Grizzly Bear-Coach across the way slapping his rump furiously and pointing a paw straight at him. The bear kept growling, "Rowwl, worrl, row row, worll row, worrll, ROoowwww, Rooww! Rwassswwrhhh, rah, growwll rowll, Grahhwlll!!!"

Jacket threw his playbook down and called out for his defensive coordinator, SlpyBear.

"Sleepy Bear, I need some translation. Just what in tarnation is that #@$%& Bear-coach saying to me?"

Slpybear cocked his head and listened for a bit.

"He's saying that he is gonna stomp our hairless behinds and eat all our granola bars. Uhh, did we bring Granola bars coach?"

"No... er... umm... yeah, I think Rangermom brought some along so Keith7 would sit still through the game. Now tell me, how in the heck are we gonna do any good if the Frigids have on two many parkas... wait a second... TOO MANY PARKAS! Thats IT!!!"

Jacket called the Chicken Girls into the Huddle and pulled Jamie to one side.

"Okay team, listen up, I know how we can win this one. First, ...."

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: slpybear the bullfan ]</small>

[sinton66]

"Let me reply to the Kodiak:(He yells across the field)
http://www.funnydesigns.com/biteme-2.5-wide.gif
Now, let's get down to how we're gonna win this thing.............

[whtfbplaya]

No sorry I wont bite you!

[sinton66]

"We gotta outscore these Frigids in a hurry! The more we score, the more clothing they remove. The more they take off, the colder they get. The colder they get, the harder it will be to play well. It'll be like a snowball rolling downhill. Let's go out and give it all we've got and take control!!!" Jacket's little brainstorm and pep talk worked like a charm. The Chicken Ranch Girls buckled down and took it to them. When halftime came, the C.R. Girls were up 48-7, and the Frigids were down to their unmentionables. They went in for halftime, and Jacket addressed the team again, saying..................

[Old Cardinal]

...what is going on in Texas Sports?...

[sinton66]

Jacket said "In order to get any better, we're gonna have to find better teams than this to play. These Frigids aren't much competition when we put our backs into it." Asst. coach Slpybear said, "You're right coach, but we've got another half to play, and I gotta feeling they have some tricks up their sleeves." PPHSFan said "WHAT sleeves, they're playing in their skivvies!". Slpybear replied " I know that, just the same, we better be prepared for some trickery". Jacket finished the halftime talk with "We're on the right track, let's go back out there and give it our all. Watch out for trick plays in the second half, they're desperate by now." The team and coaches returned to the field for the second half. Right away, Slpybear noticed something odd. The Frigids appeared to be all "shiny" for some unknown reason. The C.R. girls kicked off to start the second half. The Frigids got the ball at the four, and swung right behind a wedge of blockers. When she got out to the forty, a C.R. DB crashed the wedge and attempted a tackle. The Frigid returner "squirted" right out of her hands and scampered in for a score. When the Frigids returned to the bench, their trainer pulled the kick returner aside, had her step onto a towel stretched out on the grass, and began spraying her down with "Pam". Seeing this activity, Jacket said "Uh-Oh, this is going to get very interesting!"

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[slpybear the bullfan]

PPHSFan turned to Jacket and said, "PAM! PAM! How in the heck are we gonna be able to tackle them if they keep lubricating themselves?"

Jacket threw his clipboard down and fumed.

"Coach," Slpybear said to him. "Looks like Coach Kodiak across the way is taunting you again."

Sure enough, Jacket watched the big Grizzly smack his rump with one paw and point to him with the other. The big bear was also taking an occasional swipe at a PAM-sprayed football player with his big pink tongue.

Jacket grumbled to himself and kicked the dirt on the sideline. A large cloud of it was disturbed and Jacket stared at it for a few seconds. He looked over at the trainer and yelled, "RANGERMOM! Did you bring any atheletes foot powder?"

"Of course, Coach"

Jacket grabbed Slpybear and had him douse the entire defense and special teams with the powder until the Ranch Girls Defense looked like they had been battered and floured. The two coaches looked out at the field just as they scored another touchdown and the Frigid's were taking off their tobaggons.

Now, Jacket watched the PAT and wondered if his plan to foil the "PAM" treatment would work. And he hoped the opposing coach had a big lunch before the game...

[sinton66]

Jacket called his assistant coaches aside and said "We gotta stop 'em from scoring anymore. If we don't, pretty soon it'll become perfectly apparent we're using a ringer at QB. We might be forced to forfeit". 66 said "Listen, I think I can distract the Kodiak, but yall will have to figure something out about his assistants". 66 left the game to go to the store, and returned with some fresh Salmon. He and PPHSfan immediately began making up Salmon Croquet balls for launching. 66 told PPHSFFan " If we keep him busy chasing snacks, that will give Jacket and Slpybear some time to come up with something. We aim carefully, and keep him moving back and forth and keeping his back turned to the game". PPHSFan turned out to be an excellent Marksman with the winger. He'd land one on the North forty just behind the line of players and coaches. The Kodiak would smell the Salmon and follow it, wolfing it down in a single gulp. The next one would land on the South forty, just behind everyone again. They kept the Kodiak between the forties with his back turned to the game the entire second half. This gave Jacket and Slpybear time to..............

<small>[ February 10, 2003, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[pakrat]

...pay off he referees. They were a very serious bunch, beyond reproach. They said make out the checks to bccardsmom and pinecone, but pphsfan said it had to be a cash only transaction. Then sinton66 reminded him they did not have any cash.
The tall ref who bore a striking resemblance to Robert Redford but said his name was pakrat, stepped forward and said...

[sinton66]

"Give me Keith7 to sell into white slavery and we might just have a deal!" PPHSFan, Sinton66, Jacket, Slpybear, and all the rest chimed in together,(kinda musically )"Hell, if you WANT him, take him!".

[slpybear the bullfan]

Author's Note: Dang! ROFLMAO, sorry just had to take a breath and crack up before I went on...

So, 66 and slpybear went over to the cheerleader's bench to where Keith7 had spent the entire game pretending to drop stuff on the ground so he could get a "Free Shot". 66 and Slpybear grabbed the teen and hustled him over to the refs.

"Wait a second," said PPHSFan, as he whipped out a permanent marker. He drew 5 big stars on his forehead, patted him on the head, and then waved bye bye to him.

As the refs walked off, one of them asked the other, "Why was everyone clapping and giggling back there?"

[pakrat]

The tall ref put his hand on the spindly kid's arm and spun him around. Keith 7, you're under arrest. I'm a Texas Ranger and I always get my man. Been tracking you for 3 days. You are a war criminal because of the heinous deeds you did during the Star War of the 2002 football season and continuing into 2003. As a war criminal you will be tried by a military tribunal and due to your terrorist activities, you will not be allowed legal representation. And if you give me any trouble, I will give you the old Indian torture treatment which is...

[sinton66]

to stake you out spread eagled over a red ant bed, and then sprinkle sugar all over you(Indians didn't do the sugar part, that's just my personal touch :D ).

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[PPHSfan]

Keith began to whimper, it was bittersweet however, on the one hand err "head" he had finaly received his 5 star rating, but the thought of a trial was more than he could handle. He started singing and begging for a deal. He began by telling the Texas Ranger about pictures he had of the Sinton Baseball Team in a compromising position.....

[sinton66]

And the Ranger said " come on, Keith, the only position the Sinton Baseball team has been in is the top position in the state. If you have pictures that suggest otherwise, I have no doubt they've been faked as was the one on 3A Downlow with you holding the championship trophy, and THAT wasn't even a good fake!" Keith said " Listen, I got plenty of dirt to give. You gotta give me a chance here, what do you want?"

[PPHSfan]

The Ranger thought for a moment then replied. "Keith, there are only two things in all of 3a football that I covet, and you my friend can not get me either one so turn around and spread em."

"WAIT WAIT" Keith begged, at least tell me what it is, I might have a friend that can help.

"You have a friend?" the Ranger asked with a smirk.

"Just give me a chance" Keith Said

"Well..Ok, Tell you what I will do Keith, You get me a copy of G.A. Moores Secret Playbook, or Season Tickets to watch the Sinton Pirates Baseball team this year, and I may give you a break"

Keith bowed his head, because he knew that he had been beat, there were only two people on the planet that could help him now.......

[Billy Boy]

And that would be Stinky Pete and Old Card and they both have tucked their tails between their legs and ran for the border. So your up the creek without a paddle.

[sinton66]

Keith bowed his head, because he knew that he had been beat, there were only two people on the planet that could help him now....... And both of them are having a very hearty laugh at his expense right now! Poor Keith, all is lost. It's off to the big house to become a boy toy for some large bruiser redneck. (The white slavery thing wouldn't have been much better, he would have been sold to a fat Japanese Sumo Wrestler. :D )

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[Keith7]

Ya'll must be really bored

[TarponFanInNorthTexas]

Keith just needs to be sure NOT TO DROP THE SOAP!!!!

[sinton66]

That's good advice, Keith. Or it won't be any of us that's getting "bored". :D :D :D

[sinton66]

The game ended in a forfeit by the "Frigids" for use of an illegal substance. With the win firmly in hand, Jacket and the team headed back to Texas to practice and get ready for the next game. When they arrived at the Chicken Ranch, Jacket got on the phone to line up the next game...............

[Billy Boy]

Jacket call Rick Perry up to see if he could lineup a gme with the Texas State Prison Team. Gov. Perry said to give him two weeks to get the death row boys back into shape.The game will be played two weeks from Sunday in Huntsville at the old prison rodeo grounds. The teams colors are black and white and the teams name is the mainliners. The teams players are:

[crzyjournalist03]

going to have to play without releasing their names because of potential lawsuits for allowing the inmates to leave their cells to play a football game in which little children will be watching.

[sinton66]

Jacket set up a tough practice schedule. They spent the mornings running. The evenings were spent in full contact practice. Although his team was in excellent physical condition, it certainly didn't hurt anything to push for more and better. An interesting thing happened the week before the game,.............

[slpybear the bullfan]

...the team told Jacket that they wanted to have a players only meeting. Not knowing what was up, Jacket thought it over and decided, What harm could come of it?

"Sure," he said, "You can have the locker room tonight from 5:00 till you are through."

As the afternoon crept on, Jacket watched as limosines, Pickups, Harley's, and Horses made there way in and out of the parking lot. But the most interesting thing happened at 5:01 when...

[PPHSfan]

....the Gulfstream GIV made a low level flyby, tipped its wings, turned and then landed right out on the higway. As it rolled into the parking lot and came to a stop Jacket tried to make out the name on the side.

He squinted his eyes, and blinked, there was no name on the plane so his eyes moved towards the silhouette on the tail section.
http://50smemorabilia.safeshopper.com/images/bh0pdxa5.jpg

What on earth could this mean?????

[slpybear the bullfan]

...Awww Man! Red... Sonny... T.C.B. man, T.C.B.!

[sinton66]

What on earth could this mean????? Clint Eastwood is taking up a singing career? :D :D :D

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: sinton66 ]</small>

[pakrat]

No way man! Elvis has returned for a special half time performance. The King himself. The cockpit door opens and strains of Jail House Rock can be heard across the tarmack. What can this mean?

[3afan2K3]

That elvis is gonna sing at forneys opening game at their new stadium at half time.

<small>[ August 10, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: 3afan2K3 ]</small>

[MARLINFAN]

WHILE EVLIS IS SINGING AT FORNEYS GAME, MICHAEL JACKSON IS DOWN THE ROAD SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT MARLIN VS ENNIS IN ENNIS

[Old Tiger]

Then at halftime of the Marlin/Ennis game there is a drumline contest. The drumlines or dualing on and on and finally there is a fight between the 2 drumlines...

[jason]

...and Marlins' band gets the **** beat out of them by Ennis' band...

[Old Cardinal]

I had forgotten about this thread and I sat here tonight reading and laughing at this crazy past entry stuff....do you remember the Call girls(a community near Kirbyville named Call, TX) and the chicken ranch girls having the cheerleader contest at halftime? So here it goes again "The third annual Texas Cheerleaders contest is ready to begin and Keith as head Judge for the contest said....."

[3afan2K3]

"When do the male cheerleaders come out?" :p

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: 3afan2K3 ]</small>

[RBARKER]

After making a remark like that the Texas Cheerleaders association removed Keith from the head judge spot fearing he would be bias toward male cheerleaders. So they went to Forney to find a new judge and after carefull consideration they selected.......

[3afan2K3]

3afan2K3 himself....

[JasperDog94]

...because they knew that he liked men and women equally.

Now as the contest progressed, it became very obvious that the girls with the least amount of talent came from the town of...

[3afan2K3]

..Crandall, Texas...

[slpybear the bullfan]

...however, the really embarassing part came because of a talented group of guys. These CheerLeader Men were all over the stage, romping and stomping and squealing with delite and mirth. It was kind of hard to make out their uniform names, but on the back of the skirts it looked like you could just make out... D... E.... C... A....

Meanwhile, Elvis finished singing the National Anthem and Jacket's team prepared to meet the Mainliners. He knew the Call Girls had a great chance to win, because right before the Anthem started he saw...

[District303aPastPlayer]

the moderators of this site shut down this post because it has carried on for too long and too many months

[3afan2K3]

but too bad 3afan2k3 cotinued the interesting story and brought it back up to the furst page...

[JasperDog94]

...but then they thought better of it and realized that it gave everyone something to do during the off season.

Now when the Call girls saw that Elvis was about to sing the National Anthem, they saw the buses pull up from Gainsville. That's when they knew that their chances for a trophy would be dashed by the superior squad led by their fearless leader, Keith.

The Call girls were in for another surprise. Little did they know that Keith brought a secret weapon with him. They would be shocked to find out that the new head cheerleader for the squad was none other than...

[District303aPastPlayer]

Old Cardinal
:D

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: District303aPastPlayer ]</small>

[Old Cardinal]

An Old Cardinal reached into his bag of tricks and sent for Cat Osterman. There was a big hitting contest and Cat struck out Kieth-six times in a row! She laughed and said, "Maybe now you will not be making bad comments about girls softball!" Kieth sheeplishly replied---