BaseballUmp
05-03-2011, 01:35 AM
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* Movie nudity is virtually always female.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* Monday Night Football.
* You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
* Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
* Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
* When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* All your orgasms are real.
* A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
* Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
* You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
* You understand why Stripes is funny.
* You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
* Your last name stays put.
* You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
* When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
* You can kill your own food.
* The garage is all yours.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* You never have to clean the toilet.
* You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
* The National College Cheerleading Championship
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
* You can write your name in the snow.
* You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers fix everything.
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
* You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
* You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* Foreplay is optional.
* Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
* Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
* You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
* You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
* You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
* The world is your urinal.
* You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
* You get to jump up and slap stuff.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* One mood, all the time.
* You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
* You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
* You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
* Same work....more pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
* With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
* You don't mooch off others' desserts.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* The remote is yours and yours alone.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* ESPN's sports center.
* You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
* Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
* You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
* You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
* You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
* If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
* You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
* If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
* Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
* You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
* Movie nudity is virtually always female.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* Monday Night Football.
* You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
* Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
* Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
* When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* All your orgasms are real.
* A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
* Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
* You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
* You understand why Stripes is funny.
* You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
* Your last name stays put.
* You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
* When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
* You can kill your own food.
* The garage is all yours.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* You never have to clean the toilet.
* You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
* The National College Cheerleading Championship
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
* You can write your name in the snow.
* You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers fix everything.
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
* You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
* You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* Foreplay is optional.
* Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
* Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
* You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
* You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
* You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
* The world is your urinal.
* You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
* You get to jump up and slap stuff.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* One mood, all the time.
* You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
* You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
* You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
* Same work....more pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
* With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
* You don't mooch off others' desserts.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* The remote is yours and yours alone.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* ESPN's sports center.
* You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
* Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
* You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
* You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
* You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
* If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
* You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
* If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
* Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
* You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.