What my dingy wife did this week

[CenTexSports]

Me first:

She dropped me off at the CC and went home. She called me 10 minutes later to tell me she tried to open the front door of the house with the automatic opener for her car doors. She tried four times before she realized what she was doing.

[bigwood33]

I'll tell 2 stories on my beautiful, smart, funny and yes dingy, wife.

I had run to the grocery store to pick up some bread, milk, etc and my cell phone rings. It is my beautiful, smart, funny, (you know the rest) wife. I think that she has though of something else that she needs from the store but instead she asks me this question "honey, have you seen my cell phone"? I simply asked her "what do you have in your hand"? She thought that she was on our daughters phone:rolleyes:

Several years ago, one of my oldest son's friends got bitten by a brown recluse spider (some people refer to it as a "fiddle back" spider because of the fiddle shaped marking on it's back). My wife was telling me about it and when I asked if they knew what kind of spider had bitten him, she said "they think it was an "accordion back" spider. Priceless!:p

[Billy_The_Kid]

This is not really a fair fight. I have a severe advantage over everyone with the beautiful dingy blonde I am married too.

I will try to make these short and sweet as possible


exhibit 1

I am from New Mexico where it snows and is cold alot, She has been in East Texas her whole life. Two winters ago we had a very cold night in Jasper and Ice was building on our porch. I was talking on the phone with my mother in New Mexico and she overheard us talking about the fact that my mother just got through putting salt on the side walk and porch. When I got off the phone she asked me why my mother was salting the porch? I explained to her the whole ice/salt treatment and she agreed as if she understood.

About a hour later I walked into the kitchen and observed a terrible mess on the floor and coutertop and my wife was standing at the sink trying to wash her shoes off. As I looked around trying to figure out what was going on she looked at me and said "I already know, I dont want to hear it from you" I laughed and asked what in the world that mess was and she replied "well we didnt have much salt so i used flour instead". I asked why in the world would you do that? She replied "well, you cook with both I thought it might work!

[uncleB]

my lovely bride has always picked up after me and the two kids at our house........ she gets in so much of a hurry to clean up that she randomly puts things in places where it does not belong..... we have found the cordless phone in the fridge, milk jug in the freezer, tire gage in the entertainment center where the dvd's are......... but the clasic that I love the most happens at least once a week....... puts something on the cooktop and forgets to turn on the burner.........

[Billy_The_Kid]

exhibit 2

The other day we were at the sons little league game. My wife made the comment about how much the kids love the pickle sickles that the concession stand sales. I suggested to her that we should make them at home for them for snacks because they are easy to make and are better than most candy. She asked if it was hard to do and I told her no it was just pickle juice and you didnt have to put it in the fancy cups you could just freeze it in traditioinal ice trays. Again, she seemed to understand!

Next day I picked up a big jar of the big pickles from walmart and brought it home. The next evening I am on my way home from work and make a call home just prior to arriving. I ask my wife whats she is doing and she advised she is making pickle sickles to freeze. I remember her complaining about it being harder than I described and not worth the trouble but didnt think anything about it. I arrive home and she meets me at the door seeming frustrated and says you lied this is a pain in the butt and I dont see how they make so many to sale at the concession stand. Confused, I walk into the kitchen and see a few of the big pickles sitting on the counter, the empty pickle jar and a pile of green mush sitting on the counter. I then see the other materials on the counter and relize what is going on. My wife has poured the pickle juice down the drain to get the pickles out of the jar and was trying to squeeze the juice out of the pickles with a hand held orange juicer. She looks at me and says "I dont know how they make so many there is not much juice in a pickle."

[Billy_The_Kid]

Exhibit 3

The first time I took her to New Mexico to meet my brother and his family I remember thinking I hope she dont say anything stupid cause my brother is always complaining about his wife being dingy and I didnt want him to think I married one possibly even more dingy than his bride. We might have been there 10 minutes and was walking around the back yard showing her around and my brother spots an armadillo and points it out. Her first comment was I thought they were only in Texas. My brother giggles but explains that they do have a few around the area but not many and agrees they are mainly in Texas. My wife then looks at me and says "aint the armadillo the state bird of Texas".

[bigwood33]

Kid- You win! OMG Those are awesome! You should feel very fortunate to be around such greatness!

[Billy_The_Kid]

I do thanks Thats just a few of many LOL Things never get boring at my house. I wouldnt have it any other way!

[bigwood33]

I have always thought that dingy girls/women are generally happier that the rest of us.

[Billy_The_Kid]

A few years back shortly after the postage stamp price went from 42c to 44c I got a call from my wife saying that she needed to mail bills and she looked through my desk and I only have the 42 cent stamps. I told her to look in a seperate drawer where I had several rolls of 1 cent stamps that I recently obtained from clearing out my Grandfathers office after he passed. I explained to her that all she had to do was add 2 of the 1 cent stamps next to the 42 cent stamps. I told her that as long as the postage addded up to 44 cents they would accept it. Again, she acklowedged me like she understood. Only this time she did understand, all too well!!

A few weeks later I went into our local post office to mail a package. As I walked in I noticed a few of the ladies that work inside pointing my direction and laughing. I then approached the counter and the Clerk (whom I knew pretty well with it being a small town and me being law enforcment) laughed and said to me "you know youve become pretty famous around here with that stunt you pulled. I had no clue what she was talking about. She then said "I hope you dont mind but after we delivered the enevelope to the electric company they kept the contents and we kept the envelope to put pin up on our wall". She then provided me with extra small envelope that come with our electric bill to send the payment in with. The entire front and back of the envelope was covered with 1 cent stamps with only two small boxes exposed, the small area where you write who it is addressed too and a small box in the bottom right corner with a blank space with the writing in pen "more postage stapled on back". I also noticed stapled to the back of the envelope was a blank 3X5 card with the remaining 1 cent stamps to equal 44 one cent stamps. All I could do at this point was shake my head. At this point the clerk realized that I didnt know anything about the envelope and commented "oh yea, thats right! You married that Brister girl didnt you? The Chiefs daughter?" I gave them the letter back because they seemed to enjoy it so much and I called my wife and asked her what in the world was she thinking. Of course she just replied "What? You said as long as it added up to 44 they would take it, and I was out of 42 cent stamps"

[Phil C]

Those are great Kid. Go ahead and post anything you want. :)

[Ernest T Bass]

Originally posted by Billy_The_Kid
A few years back shortly after the postage stamp price went from 42c to 44c I got a call from my wife saying that she needed to mail bills and she looked through my desk and I only have the 42 cent stamps. I told her to look in a seperate drawer where I had several rolls of 1 cent stamps that I recently obtained from clearing out my Grandfathers office after he passed. I explained to her that all she had to do was add 2 of the 1 cent stamps next to the 42 cent stamps. I told her that as long as the postage addded up to 44 cents they would accept it. Again, she acklowedged me like she understood. Only this time she did understand, all too well!!

A few weeks later I went into our local post office to mail a package. As I walked in I noticed a few of the ladies that work inside pointing my direction and laughing. I then approached the counter and the Clerk (whom I knew pretty well with it being a small town and me being law enforcment) laughed and said to me "you know youve become pretty famous around here with that stunt you pulled. I had no clue what she was talking about. She then said "I hope you dont mind but after we delivered the enevelope to the electric company they kept the contents and we kept the envelope to put pin up on our wall". She then provided me with extra small envelope that come with our electric bill to send the payment in with. The entire front and back of the envelope was covered with 1 cent stamps with only two small boxes exposed, the small area where you write who it is addressed too and a small box in the bottom right corner with a blank space with the writing in pen "more postage stapled on back". I also noticed stapled to the back of the envelope was a blank 3X5 card with the remaining 1 cent stamps to equal 44 one cent stamps. All I could do at this point was shake my head. At this point the clerk realized that I didnt know anything about the envelope and commented "oh yea, thats right! You married that Brister girl didnt you? The Chiefs daughter?" I gave them the letter back because they seemed to enjoy it so much and I called my wife and asked her what in the world was she thinking. Of course she just replied "What? You said as long as it added up to 44 they would take it, and I was out of 42 cent stamps"

That's one of the greatest stories Ive EVER heard!!!

[trojandad]

billy, i want you to tell your wife that her stories have brought 100 times more laughter and joy to me AND my "intelligent" spouse than her award could ever have brought to you....we have doubled over laughing reading these and all i could think about is that bible verse that says "laughter does good like a medicine but a broken spirit makes one sick".....illness will never reside at your place....

to add to your story, my brother, me and his wife were watching the news years back and they came on with a report about the gov't proposing to sell tickets on the space shuttle to civilians for approximately $250k, his wife turns to him, since he was an aircraft mechanic, and asks "is that one way or round trip".....:nerd:

[injuredinmelee]

wives are overrated....

[Billy_The_Kid]

Originally posted by trojandad
billy, i want you to tell your wife that her stories have brought 100 times more laughter and joy to me AND my "intelligent" spouse than her award could ever have brought to you....we have doubled over laughing reading these and all i could think about is that bible verse that says "laughter does good like a medicine but a broken spirit makes one sick".....illness will never reside at your place....

to add to your story, my brother, me and his wife were watching the news years back and they came on with a report about the gov't proposing to sell tickets on the space shuttle to civilians for approximately $250k, his wife turns to him, since he was an aircraft mechanic, and asks "is that one way or round trip".....:nerd:

thanks buddy! There is definetly plenty of laughter in life. LOL. I will say she has gotten alot better and improved and learned on alot of life skills in the 12 years we have been married. The hours I have spent getting the extension cords out of vaccum cleaners, flushing windshield washer fluid out of radiators, replacing the neighbors mail box, and getting unleaded fuel out of my diesel truck seems to be paying off well.

'is that one way?" thats hilarious. Sounds like your brother could probably relate to some of my stories LOL

[Billy_The_Kid]

Originally posted by injuredinmelee
wives are overrated....

only to queers and ugly men!!

[Billy_The_Kid]

:doh:

[SintonFan]

That's some shunny fit Billy_The_Kid!
:clap: :D

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by SintonFan
That's some shunny fit Billy_The_Kid!
:clap: :D Billy the Kid has come along way since he was that bitchy rykertx chick.:p

[SintonFan]

Once back around 1993 my fiance(my present wife) went to a GP playoff game with me to watch GP take on Austin Westlake(I think). It was cold, rainy and miserable but one hellofa game. Now my wife said she had been to plenty of games in the past. Anyways, in the 4th quarter toward the end of the game GP scored what looked to be the game winning TD! I kid you not about this. My fiance lifts up both arms straight up like many of us and yells loud as day, "HOME RUN!" I looked at her as did several other people around us and couldn't help but laugh. She didn't seem to think anything wrong so I whispered in her ear, "Babe, we're at a football game...
not a baseball game". lol She turned beet red... and denies that happened to this day...:D

[SintonFan]

Originally posted by bobcat1
Billy the Kid has come along way since he was that bitchy rykertx chick.:p
Really?:D

[bigwood33]

Originally posted by SintonFan
Once back around 1993 my fiance(my present wife) went to a GP playoff game with me to watch GP take on Austin Westlake(I think). It was cold, rainy and miserable but one hellofa game. Now my wife said she had been to plenty of games in the past. Anyways, in the 4th quarter toward the end of the game GP scored what looked to be the game winning TD! I kid you not about this. My fiance lifts up both arms straight up like many of us and yells loud as day, "HOME RUN!" I looked at her as did several other people around us and couldn't help but laugh. She didn't seem to think anything wrong so I whispered in her ear, "Babe, we're at a football game...
not a baseball game". lol She turned beet red... and denies that happened to this day...:D
Classic!

[trojandad]

when i was dating my first wife during college my employer (hooker vandergriff of vandergriff chevrolet fame) actually owned the land that old ranger stadium sat on and he'd alternate employees that were allowed his seats behind homeplate and my time came up so i took her.....she knew zero of sports and you all know the die hards that have season tix behind home plate.....anyway she wants to be in on the conversation im having with neighboring people, so she looks out at the scoreboard that reads:

SD - 4
LA - 3

to which she asks in a loud and proud voice:

"who is it that south dakota is beating? is that louisiana?"

everyone around us heard and they were great to be silent and not laugh, but you could tell they were holding in 100 belly laughs.....i was silent, trying to figure out which part to start explaining first, and an elderly black man spewed "i cant hold it no longer brother" and he busted to a chorus of 100 others not able to hold it in....

it gets better....

this was the first inning, the top of the 1st oscar gamble for the indians hits a grand slam, the bottom of the 1st bump wills leads off with a solo homer, then the rangers fill the bases and jim sundberg hits a grand slam in the bottom of the 1st, the announcer says only the 2nd time two teams hit grand slams in the top and bottom of the 1st....

the beginning of the 2nd, after those two grand slams in the first, she asks....

"is it usually this boring?"

i took the poor girl home, she tried :rolleyes:

[SintonFan]

lol
Was she your first wife?

[trojandad]

Originally posted by SintonFan
lol
Was she your first wife?

yea, my current wife was also clueless about sports until the aggie womens basketball team did their magic this year and now she can tell you stats, new recruits, etc etc......

[Billy_The_Kid]

Originally posted by bobcat1
Billy the Kid has come along way since he was that bitchy rykertx chick.:p

Thanks bobcat! If you remember I warned yall, You will learn to love me one day! LOL

[Billy_The_Kid]

My wife didnt let me down again last night. LOL

About a month ago she bought one of the frangrance sprayers that you mount on the wall and it sprays every 10 or 15 minutes.
Well its been working fine but ran out of spray so she went last night and bought some replacment cans. When she initally bought the thing I remember her bragging and telling me that it is refillable. Well last night she took it down going to replace empty can with the new can. I watched her open it up and it appeared pretty simple. You simply take the old can out and slide the new can in and close the door! NOPE!! I noticed that both cans were sittting there a while and she was spending alot of time reading the directions. I asked her whats wrong? She said "I cant figure out how your supposed to get the stuff from the new can into the can that goes into the sprayer?? :doh:

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by Billy_The_Kid
Thanks bobcat! If you remember I warned yall, You will learn to love me one day! LOL :hand: Don't get carried away... I'm straight and a married man. Now you have me :thinking:

[Billy_The_Kid]

Originally posted by bobcat1
:hand: Don't get carried away... I'm straight and a married man. Now you have me :thinking:





:kiss: you had me at hello! :blush:

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by Billy_The_Kid
My wife didnt let me down again last night. LOL

About a month ago she bought one of the frangrance sprayers that you mount on the wall and it sprays every 10 or 15 minutes.
Well its been working fine but ran out of spray so she went last night and bought some replacment cans. When she initally bought the thing I remember her bragging and telling me that it is refillable. Well last night she took it down going to replace empty can with the new can. I watched her open it up and it appeared pretty simple. You simply take the old can out and slide the new can in and close the door! NOPE!! I noticed that both cans were sittting there a while and she was spending alot of time reading the directions. I asked her whats wrong? She said "I cant figure out how your supposed to get the stuff from the new can into the can that goes into the sprayer?? :doh: :clap: :clap: :clap: She sounds perfect.;)

[Billy_The_Kid]

Originally posted by Billy_The_Kid
Thanks bobcat! If you remember I warned yall, You will learn to love me one day! LOL

If i could just get RM on board I think Ill be ok around here LOL

[bigwood33]

Originally posted by Billy_The_Kid
My wife didnt let me down again last night. LOL

About a month ago she bought one of the frangrance sprayers that you mount on the wall and it sprays every 10 or 15 minutes.
Well its been working fine but ran out of spray so she went last night and bought some replacment cans. When she initally bought the thing I remember her bragging and telling me that it is refillable. Well last night she took it down going to replace empty can with the new can. I watched her open it up and it appeared pretty simple. You simply take the old can out and slide the new can in and close the door! NOPE!! I noticed that both cans were sittting there a while and she was spending alot of time reading the directions. I asked her whats wrong? She said "I cant figure out how your supposed to get the stuff from the new can into the can that goes into the sprayer?? :doh:

The hits just keep coming! This is really YOUR thread and the rest of us just observers of the greatness!

[BILLYFRED0000]

I have to agree. that is great stuff.


I do have one to contribute but this is not my wife but still worth the read.

Working a tech problem over the phone with a girl and she needed to change her password. So I gave her the password and told her it was case sensitive. She fired right back
"is that the number zero or the letter zero."

[pancho villa]

Billy my wife does some funny stuff, but yours is awsome funny.

[trojandad]

Originally posted by BILLYFRED0000
I have to agree. that is great stuff.


I do have one to contribute but this is not my wife but still worth the read.

Working a tech problem over the phone with a girl and she needed to change her password. So I gave her the password and told her it was case sensitive. She fired right back
"is that the number zero or the letter zero."

billy, have you thought that maybe YOU're the magnet here?!?! lol great stories, one and all....