found this on another site..

[coach]

whats some funny sayings or quotes that you find yourself using? such He's dumber than a sack of hair or thats gonna itch when it dries up

[Daddy D 11]

When people ask me an obvious question, I say, "Does a bear crap in the woods?" That gets quite a few laughs.


Most of the funny things I say cannot be posted lol way too derogatory and/or sexual:D

[BaseballUmp]

Originally posted by Daddy D 11
When people ask me an obvious question, I say, "Does a bear crap in the woods?" That gets quite a few laughs.


Most of the funny things I say cannot be posted lol way too derogatory and/or sexual:D

Haha all the good ones are

[coach]

Originally posted by Daddy D 11
Well its funny. You didn't say we needed to be innovative with our humor.

lol no dude i wasnt talking about your post...thats just another saying

[Daddy D 11]

Originally posted by coach
lol no dude i wasnt talking about your post...thats just another saying


HAHAHAHA:doh: :clap:



I use alot of coming jokes. Like "Oh yeah, I'm coming." Or "Yeah, she's coming."

LOL it can get pretty creative

[bigwood33]

"He don't know come here from sic 'em"

[Daddy D 11]

Hotter than two rats "doing it " in a wool sack.

lol my dad used to use that one

[Trashman]

"Hotter than a pistol at a Stephenville flea market." :D

"Shoot low Sheriff,They're riding Shetlands!" :D

"It's so dry the Rabbit Sheriff is dusting the catfish at Lake Brownwood for ticks" :D

[sinton66]

Keep it clean please.

[baseballcoach13]

"If I put your brains in a bumble bee it would fly backwards straight up a cows arse"

[bobcat1]

It's so dry the grasshoppers are fartin dust.

This is more fun than steppin on baby chickens.

[jason]

the dingo ate your baby

[bobcat1]

Busier than a one legged cat in a sandbox.

[bobcat1]

My dad's alltime saying. Dang boy that'd gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

[bleedsbabyblue]

oh, how could i have forgotten this one:

i wouldn't kick her out of bed for eatin' crackers!

[bobcat1]

I'm broker than the Ten Commandments.

[bobcat1]

She's about as pretty as the north end of a southbound mule.

[ccmom]

He's more screwed up than a football bat

[Trashman]

Baby your purdier than a new born heifer calf....

[Trashman]

Originally posted by bobcat1
My dad's alltime saying. Dang boy that'd gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

Dang boy that would knock a buzzard off a dead water buffalo at a hundred yards.

Did your Momma have any children that survived?

[lulu]

Hotter than a pot of collards.

Busy 'er than a one arm paper hanger.
(I can personally relate to that one...I've tried it and I do indeed just have one arm)...I did it

[GrTigers6]

My mother always use to say
" Its colder than a witch's (boob) drug through the snow"
What I always wondered was why would someone know how cold that was in order to use it as a reference:D

[bobcat1]

She's prettier than a speckled pup

[bobcat1]

When she walks away it looks like 2 bulldogs fightin in a tow sack

[bobcat1]

When a buddy leaves a putt short. "Throw your purse at it Margaret!"

[bobcat1]

That was rougher than a night in jail.

['Necks 2013-14]

:D How bout this one: If I tell ya a chicken dips snuff boy you better look under his wing!

[IrishTex]

I've been busier than a set of jumper cables at an Aggie picnic!

[bobcat1]

When you finish a fight, you say I've... er... well.... Kissed tougher girls than you. (That's the clean version)

[IrishTex]

Originally posted by 'Necks 2013-14
:D How bout this one: If I tell ya a chicken dips snuff boy you better look under his wing!

(better look under his wing for a can of Copenhagen)

:D

[bobcat1]

If I tell you it's gonna rain get your umbrella out.

[bobcat1]

He's slower than drippin mud.

That's clear as mud.

[GrTigers6]

My all time favorite.
" Lets party till the cows come home"

['Necks 2013-14]

How about: Boy--you could break an anvil with a feather in a sandpile.:p

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by GrTigers6
My all time favorite.
" Lets party till the cows come home" I know what that means.

My Dad used to say, What's wrong son, Did you lay out with the dry cows.

[bobcat1]

He also said Boy you could tear up a steel ball bearing.

['Necks 2013-14]

Originally posted by IrishTex
(better look under his wing for a can of Copenhagen)

:D No sir--this is an old school chicken--it would have been Garret&Sons!!:D

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by 'Necks 2013-14
No sir--this is an old school chicken--it would have been Garret&Sons!!:D My Grandma used to dip that stuff. It was always dripping down her chin. Southern Mississippi woman. God rest her soul.

[BEAST]

My dad would tell me before I went out, "Boy, keep your powder dry.".




BEAST

[lulu]

I tell my Grandson "you can mess up a good wreck" He's 8

[Ranger Mom]

My husband always tell my granddaughter, "girl, you could tear up a tire tool"

and...."that's slicker than owl snot on a door knob"

[lulu]

Originally posted by bobcat1
My Grandma used to dip that stuff. It was always dripping down her chin. Southern Mississippi woman. God rest her soul. Mine too. Brown glass bottle.

[SintonFan]

"He's so cheap that his bleeding nickels have the pennies nervous."

I use that one for myself and family.:D

[bobcat1]

My dad used to tell me I was more trouble than a pet coon.

[bobcat1]

He's so tight you couldn't drive a 16 penny nail up his butt with a sledge hammer. You can hear him squeak when he walks.

[GrTigers6]

My advise for my daughter going off to college was, " Remember I watch girls gone wild" :D :D :D

['Necks 2013-14]

Originally posted by lulu
Mine too. Brown glass bottle. When I was about 7, I think, we went down to Gordon's little store outside of Brazoria and bought some for 15 cents. Spent the next 30 minutes or so trying to wash it out of our mouths!! Good times.:D

[bobcat1]

Originally posted by 'Necks 2013-14
When I was about 7, I think, we went down to Gordon's little store outside of Brazoria and bought some for 15 cents. Spent the next 30 minutes or so trying to wash it out of our mouths!! Good times.:D http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/6264/newlaughdd0.gif

[lulu]

Originally posted by bobcat1
http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/6264/newlaughdd0.gif Nasty stuff!

[lulu]

Speaking of an ugly woman
"she'd make a freight train take a dirt road"

[lulu]

I'll take this one up tomorrow....got to turn it in for the night. Too good to let it
go.

[bobcat4life]

Thats like Michael Jackson running a day care. It just dont make sense

[bobcat4life]

Smooth move X-LAX

[SintonFan]

Originally posted by lulu
Speaking of an ugly woman
"she'd make a freight train take a dirt road"

"I'd say I had coyote syndrome, but dangit, I've never met a coyote that blind!"

[sinton66]

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

[coach]

Originally posted by bobcat4life
Thats like Michael Jackson running a day care. It just dont make sense

its like whipping before ya poop...it dont make sense

[coach]

she is ugly as homemade soap

[sinton66]

ugly as a mud fence.

[SintonFan]

"A cup of coffee..."
:D

[BaseballUmp]

Something my dad would always tell my brother and I before we would go out for the night or something "Keep your pecker in your pocket" haha

[sinton66]

Keep it clean or the thread goes away folks.

[Trashman]

you could tear up an anvil with a rubber mallet.

[Global Swarming]

Here's one that I came up with. " You're looking for fleas on a free dog." Goes along the lines of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

['Necks 2013-14]

To quote the fabulous Buckaroo Bonzai: No matter where ya go....there you are!;)

[Super_R]

Like a fat girl playing dodge ball...i'm out!

[BILLYFRED0000]

Ya gotta put a pork chop around her neck just to get a dog to play with her.

[bigwood33]

"Fish or cut bait" or it's crass cousin "sh!t or get off the pot".

[BILLYFRED0000]

It's colder than a well diggers butt.

one of my grandad's favorites.

[BILLYFRED0000]

If it aint broke, dont fix it.

[MUSTANG69]

Dumber than a bucket of rocks.

Ain't the brightest light in the closet.

Yea and if your aunt had b_lls she would be your uncle.

[Farmersfan]

"Why buy the Cow if you get the milk for free"

"I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole"

and to go along with that:

"She's got little red rings all over her body where men have been touching her with 11 foot poles"

"You are dumber than a sack of hammers"

"That dog won't hunt"

"Busier than a one-legged man in butt kickin' contest"

[Farmersfan]

"Yea, and if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his arse everytime he jumped"

[bulldog82]

Close the gate..........Go to the bank..........Sold!!!!!!!!500 dollars

[RPF2666]

Boy's got a skull full of mush!

[Farmersfan]

"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"

[Global Swarming]

Originally posted by Farmersfan
"Why buy the Cow if you get the milk for free"

"I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole"

and to go along with that:

"She's got little red rings all over her body where men have been touching her with 11 foot poles"

"You are dumber than a sack of hammers"

"That dog won't hunt"

"Busier than a one-legged man in butt kickin' contest"

I can literally relate to the last one on that list lol.

[bulldog82]

N F L ..........Not for long if you keep making those kind of calls!

[MUSTANG69]

I'm finer than frog's hair.

[cowboyandchrist]

Originally posted by Daddy D 11
When people ask me an obvious question, I say, "Does a bear crap in the woods?" That gets quite a few laughs.


Most of the funny things I say cannot be posted lol way too derogatory and/or sexual:D
Not if he is a Polar Bear, Ha ha.

[BILLYFRED0000]

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck
it aint a moose.

[BILLYFRED0000]

That bird don't fly.....


dog dont hunt


cat dont meow


frog dont jump

lion dont roar


etc:D

[Ernest T Bass]

I dont use funny quotes...

[nobogey72]

she's so pretty she could make a stick-horse buck!

feel like I've been ate by a wolf and sh-- off a cliff!

so hungry I could eat a frozen dog!

happier than a sissy in a cucumber patch!

tighter than Ned's hat band.

that baby was so ugly the doctor spanked the mother

sure I like kids.... if they're seasoned properly.

[LIONS]

Its raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock.

[Rocket]

That's about as funny as a rubber crutch in a hospital ward.

You can always tell when nobogey has been over at your house, the toilet's not flushed and the cat's pregnant.

Both of these were from the movie, Rhinestone. Which is worth a laugh in itself.:rolleyes:

[RoyceTTU]

Two of my favorites that I use often

"That Hoovers"

"Hungrier than a Hostage"

[wimbo_pro]

More hungry than Osama Bin Laudin at a Porkfest.

[nobogey72]

Originally posted by Rocket
That's about as funny as a rubber crutch in a hospital ward.

You can always tell when nobogey has been over at your house, the toilet's not flushed and the cat's pregnant.

Both of these were from the movie, Rhinestone. Which is worth a laugh in itself.:rolleyes:

Weak, Weak, Weak!!!!! :nerd: :nerd: :nerd: :doh: :doh:

Lucky as a double di--ed bulldog!!!!

That went over like a pregnant pole vaulter.... or, a turd in a punchbowl.


And my all-time favorite......when the husband got out of a REALLY COLD swimming pool naked, and his wife says-------"Honey that looks like a button on a fur coat".

[jockcity33]

you are almost as sharp as a marble.

[BEAST]

You are as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

or

You are as useless as tits on a boar hog.




BEAST

[nobogey72]

That makes about as much sense as taking a shower in a raincoat.

my grandad was about 80 and said " Sex at my age would be like trying to shoot pool with a rope" He also compared it to "trying to push an oyster through a key hole"

:eek: :eek: I'll probably get reprimanded for those last 2. :D :D I don't care, when you're 2-4 you resort to gettin cheap laughs.

[BwdLion73]

He doesnt know if he found his rope or lost his mule.

[BILLYFRED0000]

Hes bout as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

[BILLYFRED0000]

The lights are on but nobodies home.


He's a brick short of a load.


He's a sandwich short of a picnic.



He's good in a way but he just don't weigh enough.

[BILLYFRED0000]

Picnic

Problem in chair not in computer.


the ID10t error. (idiot for you rocket).

[Old Blue]

I am so broke that if it took a nickel to take a crap i would have to puke

[pero chato]

My grandfather used to say, "We're gonna raise hell and put a block under it".

[bobcat1]

He is blinder than a peach orchard boar.

Don't let that alligator mouth overload that Hummingbird behind.

[lulu]

don't let your mouth write a check that your A--- can't cash


I'm to broke to pay attention.

[ronwx5x]

He's so short if he passed gas he would throw dust on his boots.

He'd be pretty tall if there weren't so much of him turned under.

[bobcat1]

He's so short he could sue the city for building sidewalks to close to his butt.

[1st and goal]

A dad telling his daughter's date "Just remember boy, whatever you do to her, I'm gonna do to you!"

[1st and goal]

I can weld a snufflid to a boxcar thru a keyhole with 2 pieces of baling wire and a dead battery!

[1st and goal]

Shinier than a dime in a goats arse.

[BILLYFRED0000]

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

[Old Dog]

If I tell you a rooster can pull a train, "Hook him up".

His elevator don't go to the top floor

I'm gona hit you so hard you're gona hum like a 10 penny finishing nail hit with a greasey ball pean hammer

If you had any brains they would rattle like a BB in a boxcar

clean up after yourself, your Momma or girlfriend don't work here

[nobogey72]

beauty is only a lightswitch away

[Casper]

your like a pet coon what you don't tear up you crap on.
That's shining like a diamond in a goat's butt.
Crap in the bed Margret.

That is a few of my Dad's favorites, no, I don't know who Margret is.

[RoyceTTU]

"ButterFace" - Everything is Pretty "ButterFace"

"Pretty from far but, Far from Pretty"

[nobogey72]

she had freckles on her but(t) she's pretty

[MUSTANG69]

She's so bowlegged she couldn't catch a pig in a ditch.

[Johnnypaycheck]

"Well...Paint me green and call me Gumby!"

[RoyceTTU]

He's so tough even his "fill in the blank here" have muscles.

Terds
Eyes
Teeth

[MUSTANG69]

If you're goin to be dumb you better be tough.

[LE Dad]

She is a six pack short of pretty.

He's such a harda$$ he (craps) rocks.

Sorry bout the job interview... who would have guessed that you were overqualified to be a professional dumba$$.


There are many more but I don't want a warning.:D

[Pawdaddy]

"In theory, there's no difference in theory and practice. In practice, there is. --Yogi Berra--

"No man in the wrong can stand up against a fellow that's in the right, and keeps a-coming." --Capt. Bill McDonald, Texas Ranger--

"Time wounds all heels." --Groucho Marx--

[coachc45]

Ugly as a sack full of Butt-holes!

[rangerjim60]

If grandma had balls she's be grandpa

[nobogey72]

wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first.

[CHS_Grad '85]

Heard a friend (with a heavy West Virginia accent) tell his brother "I'll beat you 'til your eyes shut"... Don't why I found that so funny but I did...

[BwdLion73]

I'm so mean I have to sleep with one eye open to keep from jumping on myself.

[fanofthegame]

"that boy/girl is so ugly, i bet his/her mama used to feed them in the corner with a sling-shot."

and, when someone messes up and tries to back out of the problem,
"boy, your trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube , it don't work"

[nobogey72]

when someone hits and ugly drive but it ends up in the fairway you say..... Well, she was ugly but she had big tits.

[RoyceTTU]

"Out like a fat girl playing dodge ball"

[CHS_Grad '85]

Heard a friend (with a heavy West Virginia accent) tell his brother "I'll beat you 'til your eyes shut"... Don't why I found that so funny but I did...

[LH_Tuff]

If wishes were horses....Beggars would ride.

[pero chato]

For those of us who can't carry a tune...


Please sing tenor - ten or fifteen miles away.

Please sing solo - so low we can't hear you.

[lulu]

Use to wish I could sing
Now I wish you could.

[Sville]

"It is colder than a witches tit in a brass bra"

"Rave on cat chit someone will come along and bury you"

"You know why the birds in Brownwood fly upside down? Cause there aint nothin worth crappin on"

"Son your so dumb you couldnt poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel"

"You look so good, I would like to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit."

"If you cant dazzle 'em with brilliance, then baffle 'em with BS"